Of Fear and Women
by Guttersnipe
Summary: Life sucked. Every cloud had a silver lining, but Sasuke was certain that it was really mercury, so when it rained you got mercury poisoning when you decided to have some sushi. And that light at the end of the tunnel? That just meant you were dead. S X S
1. The Women

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

It is also important to note that I do not have any claim to that most awesome of movies, _The Princess Bride_, nor any line attributed to it. (And if you have never had the pleasure of watching this movie, then you won't really understand the first paragraph, but it shouldn't really make a difference, in the long run. Also, if you haven't seen it, I have absolutely no idea as to how you are still alive. Seriously. It is my elixir for when I am ill, and my joy for when I am down. So much awesome packed into one film. It boggles the mind as to how they managed it.)

**Chapter 1: The Women**

There were three all-important rules in the world that people had to follow to avoid misfortune. This Sasuke knew. The first two he learned from watching _The Princess Bride _(It was a guilty pleasure. One that he made dead sure no one _ever _discovered. There was just something about the character, Inigo Montoya, that _really _spoke to him, though he could never quite put his finger on it.); those being, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia' and 'Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.' But the third---as he did with most things---he discovered all on his own (lack of family around to aid in the discovery process, and all).

And what was that third all-important rule, you ask? It was, 'Never believe that you have finally hit the bottom, because the bottom will inevitably turn into a Black Hole of Doom that will suck you down even farther and send you spiralling into territory unknown.'

And right then, that was _exactly _what happened to our Mighty Avenger.

He was just walking along, minding his own business, as he was wont to do, studiously ignoring the wolf whistles and cat calls and the just plain _wrong_ innuendos that were being hurled his way from various females, and yes, a few males (smexiness is androgynous, Sasuke dear). It was nothing out of the ordinary. And as long as none of the onlookers decided to try their hand at grabbing his fine Uchiha tail, he really didn't care. His personal space was foremost on his priorities list.

However, as was previously mentioned, the great Black Hole of Doom allows for stability and comfort in no one's life. And that little fan on Sasuke's back had just become the bull's-eye for one Doomified vortex.

He was walking past a dango shop when it struck, stealthily and without warning (The Black Hole of Doom was most definitely the ninja in the Fate family).

"Sasuke-kun doesn't even look at the girls around him. And it's not like they don't show that they're interested. Sometimes I think he might be gay."

KABLAM!!!

That was it. Something oh so tiny, but with devastating effects. Because he _knew _that voice. He would recognize it through a howling blizzard while standing next to a passing train and a launch pad; it was just _that_ firmly etched within his mind. _Sakura._

What. The. Hell? Since when did _Sakura_ think he, _Uchiha Sasuke_, was not interested in her kind? What gave her that idea? (And yes, our dear boy _did_ kick himself slightly for sounding as dumbstruck as he did. The possible effects of his cold shoulder techniques had not escaped his calculations while he implemented them. He just never thought that Sakura---_Sakura!_---would take it like _that_.)

"No way is he gay! There's no way God would be so cruel to the girls of this village."

Yes! You tell her! You tell her…_Ino?_ He was pretty sure it was Ino. Goodness knew he had heard that screech enough times in his younger days to be able to pick it out of a crowd too. So that he could then leave said crowd, thus avoiding being inappropriately glomped by the owner of said voice. Yes. He was a thinker. Plans for everything.

Except for _this_. Never had he thought to create a contingency for _this_. Sakura thought he wasn't interested in a female, such as herself! (And, yes, a very small part of his mind realized that he _really _ought to have thought of that possibility before and have made provisions for such a turn of events. But the rest of his (_macho, macho_) mind insisted that there was never any reason to strategize a way to convince Sakura---_Sakura!_---that he really _was_ interested in her. …_Kind_! Her _kind_. To convince her that he was interested in her _kind_. Yes. That's what he meant.)

"Ino-pig, think about it. He has never once displayed any sign that he even finds women attractive. You'd think a nineteen-year-old male would have shown _some _sign that he likes what he sees when he's around beautiful women. But no. He doesn't react, even slightly."

Oh come on! What did she expect him to do? Drop his jaw to the floor and drool like some high-on-ramen blonde? Uchiha Sasuke did _not _drool, with jaw dropped or otherwise. Uchiha Sasuke had an extremely rare thing called _class_. He did not gape, nor gawk, nor ogle, nor "check out" Sakur---ah that is, _women_. Yes. That was what he meant. Women. He did not ogle women. It was degrading to them as people. It turned them into objects that are only good for staring at, rather than presenting them as actual human beings. Yes. That's it.

Besides, looks were _so _not enough to tell whether or not a woman was compatible with a man. You could be standing in front of the most beautiful woman you had ever laid eyes on and not realize that that same person was also the _most _annoying person you had ever met in your life. Seriously. Sakura was the perfect examp---that is… Uhhh… What Sasuke was _going _to… Oh! Someone was talking again! Let's listen!

"Not to mention, he seems to prefer the company of guys over girls. He spends more time with Naruto and Kakashi-sensei than he does with me. And he avoids places with high concentrations of women and retreats to a more male-dominated area."

Didn't she realize that the fan-girls had yet to relent? They were rabid raccoons, for crying out loud! He valued his body being _intact _and _unmolested_, thank you very much! After the horrors he endured in his academy days, Sasuke had learned the ways of self-preservation when one was among females. Through his trials, he had come to the indisputable conclusion that the most effective way of dealing with the matter of fan-girls was to _avoid them at all cost_. Retreating to the company of guys was a logical solution. You know, except when said guys included Orochimaru. Yeah. _That _plan hadn't worked out as well as he had hoped. (Shudder. Shudder.)

"I'm beginning so see your point."

_No! No, you see _nothing_! Shino! You stupid, stupid girl! Oh, wait. Ino. It's _InoShino_ is the Aburame. _Ino_ is Sakura's friend. Yes. Get it straight. _

_Ahem_.

_No! No, you see _nothing_! Ino! You stupid, stupid girl! Sakura is being an idiot! She's crazy! You cannot agree with a crazy person. It's illogical. Now convince Sakura that she is wrong! _Do it_, I say!_

"I mean, one _would _expect for him to have shown at least a _hint_ of attraction toward me after all these years. What _straight _man could possibly resist _my_ beauty?"

_What is she going on about? _

"None could, that's who! I should have come to this realization years ago. The moment he rejected me, I should have realized the truth behind the matter and told you and saved you the pain and humiliation of chasing him all these years, Forehead."

Was she insane? Well _of course_ she was insane. She was female. They were born that way. But was she seriously agreeing with crazy Sakura too? And was she honestly using his rejection of her as proof that he preferred guys to girls? It wasn't as though he was the only guy to reject Ino. Sasuke had seen quite a few guys do the same. She was an acquired taste, Ino was. One that Sasuke had _no_ intention of procuring.

"I'm just going to ignore that obvious barb at my expense, piggy. But I will agree with you on that last point. I wish we had realized this sooner."

_Stupidstupidstupidstupid girls!_ There was nothing to realize! He was _very_ much in the habit of liking members of the _female _persuasion. Why were they just jumping to conclusions like that? They were being unreasonable!

"Some of the other girls think so too."

What's that? It wasn't just Sakura and Ino? There were _more _with this twisted and _wrong _idea about him? That simply would not do! He still had a goal to complete. If the entire female population thought he liked other men, he was seriously screwed! Or, rather, he _wouldn't _be screwed, as it were. Ahem.

He had to figure this out. If the women (_Sakura!_) of Konoha believed that he was chasing boys (_Ew._) then none of them (_Sakura!_) would agree to marry him and bear his little (_green-eyed_) Uchiha minions.

His final goal would never come to fruition!

Oh, he needed to fix this now! But how would one do such a thing?

A small area of his brain screamed, "Ask her out!" (A name was not necessary. In Sasuke's mind, 'her' could only refer to one person, though the larger part of his brain liked to routinely ignore that pretty little piece of information. Yes, denial was his slave, and Sasuke worked it to the very end of its limits, not once thinking to give poor denial a break.)

But there was a problem with this strategy. For one, Sakura---er ah, the _girl_ might think he was only asking her out to quell rumours that he liked men. And then S---_she_ might…_reject_ him. Uchiha Sasuke did not get rejected. He might be the rejector, but _never_ was he the rejectee. It was not the natural order of things. So _clearly _that option was out.

And the sad part about it was that rejection was not his real reason for eliminating that possibility. No, the real reason was far more pathetic.

The real reason: he didn't know how.

**Guttersnipe's Word: **This is a very short story I'm working on. It was really supposed to be a one-shot, but it got slightly too long for that. I doubt it will span more than three chapters. This chapter is crazy-short, by my standards, but the next one is quite ample. Chapter two will be out in a few days. Maybe even tomorrow. But you won't have to wait more than three days for it, since it is already written. I just have to shear it off from the rest of the story, which is not complete yet. (As I said, this was intended as a one-shot, and as such, it was written in a big lump that requires me to separate it into proper chapters.)

Anyhoos. Mr. Clicky's family didn't visit him, so he needs some extra love this holiday season. Please review! Thank you!


	2. The Fear

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated by some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Chapter 2: The Fear**

Having spent the rest of his morning ruminating over the possibility of a future without a wife (_Sakura!_) and therefore without (_green-eyed_) heirs, Sasuke ended up wandering (yes, he was that messed up, that he had taken to _wandering_. _The_ Uchiha Sasuke was wandering) past Ichiraku. Upon hearing the uniquely obnoxious call for a bowl of miso ramen, Sasuke entered the establishment, his mind so at a loss that he decided to do the one thing he swore he would never lower himself to: ask Naruto for help.

After hearing about the conversation the Uchiha had overheard, Naruto had pretty much given the entire ramen stand a healthy spray of miso soup and noodle chunks, due to his uncontrollable laughter.

Thankfully, they were the only people in there at the time. Except for---wait… Was that…? Aw heck! Turns out our precious Avenger had missed a third occupant of the ramen stall, and thanks to Naruto loudly repeating, word-for-word, everything Sasuke had told him, they had heard about the Uchiha's predicament in its entirety.

And that third person was none other than Hyuuga Neji.

Sasuke could feel that Black Hole of Doom sucking him down lower again. But still, he had to give thanks that it wasn't the Hyuuga's team-mate, Rock Lee. Now _that _would have been Hell. Plain and simple.

Ignoring the superior look that took residence on Neji's face upon hearing of Sasuke's distress, the ex-avenger turned back to his best friend---though he was loathe to admit such, even internally---and set about the tedious process of extricating meaning from whatever idiotic thing Naruto might decide to spew out under the pretence of being profound.

"Why would they even think that, anyway? Do I give off a gay _vibe_, or something?" Sasuke asked, waving his hands around in question.

Neji blinked at the Uchiha's flailing hands and said, "Well that right there did."

"It's not a vibe or anything, teme. It's the fact that you never look at a girl," Naruto answered, hiding his snicker at Neji's remark under an extra loud slurp of ramen.

"I look at girls," Sasuke grumbled, sounding unconvincing to his own ears.

"Do not! You barely even glance at Sakura-chan when she talks to you, never mind actually looking, and I mean _looking_, as in checking the girl out."

"Wh--- I just find girls to be annoying. I mean they are so…so _whiny_ and, you know."

"I really don't. I mean, you've got every girl---"

"Except Hinata-sama and Tenten." Neji interjected.

"---except Hinata-chan and Tenten-chan, after your ugly self---and a lot of those girls are smokin', teme. I mean, come on! How can you not see what they're offerin' to you?!" Naruto said, slamming his empty bowl on the counter for emphasis.

Sasuke gave a sigh. "I'm not a pervert, nor a depraved, hormone-driven moron, like some people I know."

"That's cuz he has no hormones," Naruto muttered quietly.

Ignoring Naruto, albeit with a twitching brow, Sasuke responded, "I'm not going to gawk at girls like they're steaks and ask one out because they're, as you put it 'smokin''."

Nodding through it all, Naruto answered, "Because you're gay."

"NO!" The Uchiha sighed again. "I. Am. Not. Gay. I do not find men attractive."

"Because you're asexual and have no hormones," Naruto nodded sagely.

"Dobe."

"Teme."

There was a moment filled with a silent staring match between the two rivals. Neji just watched in mild amusement.

"I like women."

"Good job teme! You know, the first step is admitting you have a problem."

"That isn't a problem!"

"It is if you're gay."

"I'm not gay, you moron!"

"Yes, yes. We've covered this already. You don't have to repeat yourself. Makes you sound like you're overcompensating; trying to convince others, when you're only fooling yourself."

"_Dobe_."

"Teme?"

Sasuke sighed for a third time and paused for a moment. "Why the hell am I even talking to you about this?"

"Because you know I have the most baddest women-attracting skillz in da Ko-to-da-no-to-da-ha! Word."

Silence hung in the air for a few moments.

Sasuke's face screwed up into a look of utter befuddlement. "What? Ugh, never mind; I don't care." He ran a hand through his dark hair. "What should I do? I'll never get a girlfriend, and therefore never get a wife, and therefore never have children, and therefore never revive my clan if every woman in the village is convinced that I'm not interested in their kind."

"'Their kind'?" Neji said, an eyebrow raised in a silent, "What the hell?" manner.

"I'm not accepting anymore comments from you," Sasuke muttered, delivering a shiver-inducing glare to the Hyuuga prodigy.

"Well, do you have a girl in mind? And by 'do you' I mean 'you'd better' and by 'a girl' I mean 'Sakura-chan'," Naruto said, between mouthfuls of his eighth bowl of ramen.

Sigh number four escaped Sasuke's lips. "How do I…convince her that…I…don't…_not_ like…her?"

"Wow. Could you get more inarticulate? _No wonder_ the ladies love you so much! Maybe if you threw in a _lisp_ that would get Sakura-san to fall for you again?" Neji said, an uncharacteristic lilt to his words, telling the two teens before him that he was thoroughly enjoying his midday show.

"What did I say about you offering your two-cents?" Sasuke growled, eyes narrowing to faintly red-tinted slits.

"Well, I'm just saying, Sakura-san must have a thing for non-loquacious, antisocial---"

"Emotionally-retarded." Naruto cut in.

"---emotionally-retarded," Neji nodded, "angst-ridden guys of questionable sexual orientation."

_Operation: Devil Scowl commence!_

"What. Did. I. Say. About. You. Offering. Your. Two. Cents?" Sasuke hissed through gritted teeth.

"Come on teme! This is like the easiest thing!" Naruto cried, wiping some moisture from his meal off his mouth.

"Oh?" Sasuke raised a dark eyebrow, and turned a sceptical glance to his blonde companion. "This coming from the guy who spent the better part of his academy and genin days pursuing Sakura and got his head bashed in on every attempt?"

"That had _nothing_ to do with my technique!" Naruto cried, shaking his head in indignation. "She just had her eye on _someone_ else." He suddenly assumed an air of superiority, as he continued, "It was a long and painful road, but I eventually arrived at the realization that you can't make someone fall in love with you, no matter how sexy a man you may be. And this is _me _we're talkin' about here; and with my sexy beast qualities, if _I_ couldn't do it, ain't _nobody_ will be able to do it. And that's a fact." He slammed the countertop with an open hand for good measure, head nodding and eyes shining with assurance that could only come from being as "special" as Naruto.

"Dobe. You are the biggest idiot I have ever met in my life. A _goldfish_ that has had its head beaten in with a _mallet_ has a greater acumen than you."

Neji smirked.

"OI!" Naruto screeched, indignation spewing from his face (or it might have just been more partially masticated ramen bits---_Ew_). "I'm tryin' to help you out here and _this_ is the thanks I get?! Boy, I oughta…"

"You oughta what?" Sasuke goaded, a superior smirk upon his lips.

"…I oughta do…something…really…bad…" Naruto floundered for a threat that just _would not come._ Poor boy. (Some of that damage _had _to be from Sakura smacking him all the time. It couldn't possibly _all_ be from his 'special' status, could it?)

"Kick his face in and etch 'Naruto's teme' into his forehead with acid."

Sasuke turned to Neji with a death scowl on his face. Any lesser man would have found themselves sitting in a puddle of their own pee. But Neji was a Hyuuga. And that Hyuuga pride had a death grip on his bladder that simply _would not relent_. Oh no. There would be no wet seat for him. No siree. Not so long as the Hyuuga pride had a say in it.

Naruto's face split into a foxy grin. "Yeah! Uh, what he said!"

Still glaring at the Hyuuga prodigy, Sasuke said, "You know, I recall mentioning something about you making comments."

Neji shrugged, albeit stiffly. (It wasn't the most comfortable sensation in the world to have one's bladder in the grip of one's clan's pride.)

"And that's the best you could come up with?" Sasuke continued, his scowl having faded, despite his continued irritation. "I heard you were great at making threats; it's supposed to be like a hobby of yours."

The Hyuuga man gave another shrug. "Ah, my heart isn't really in it today. I don't have the energy to make a properly fascist threat."

"Those missions with Nara are starting to rub off on you, huh?"

Neji cast a lazy eye to the sky as he stifled a yawn. "Aa, I suppose."

Now on his eleventh bowl of ramen, Naruto opted to return to the matter at hand.

"You know what I think your problem is?" Naruto said, poking his chopsticks in the air at his best friend, a few noodles flying off and hitting the Uchiha in the face.

Scowling as he wiped his face with Naruto's sleeve, Sauke growled, "I spend too much time around a retard when I should just stay home?"

Oblivious to the insult from his rival as well as said rival's use of his precious orange ninja suit, Naruto answered, "No, I think you're afraid of women." He slurped some soup---which might have been why he failed to hear Sasuke's indignant snort---before he continued, "I think you, for whatever reason, have developed a deep and abiding fear of women, teme."

Said teme just stared at the blonde ramen-lover to his right, a glare poised to make its grand appearance upon voicing his rebuttal.

"I am _not afraid _of women, moron."

Naruto cast a sideward glance at the Uchiha, his eyes narrowed to calculating slits. "Are you _sure_, Sasuke?"

"_Yes_," the dark-haired teen hissed out.

_Scared of women. Pfft! What a crock of bull---_

"Because I think your aversion to being near women or, _gasp_, asking one out, is a result of some untreated trauma from your younger days." Naruto nodded, eyes serious.

And Sasuke could _really _tell that his friend was not joking; the blonde boy's twelfth bowl of ramen was sitting steaming before him and he had yet to touch it. _Oh. My. Goodness._

"I am _not_ afraid of _women_, dobe," he scoffed. Glaring slightly, Sasuke said, "_You_ are the one who's afraid of women. You're always cowering when Sakura comes around, though you try to hide it by jumping around and being loud, which, in case you _hadn't_ made the correlation, is usually the reason she beats the crap out of you, to begin with."

The jinchuuriki waved his hand about while vigorously shaking his head. "Sakura-chan is in a league of her own when it comes to fear and pain, Sasuke-teme. You know that. My fear of her is completely justifiable." He stopped and stared intently at his best friend. "_You_, on the other hand, have absolutely _no _reason to be afraid of Sakura-chan, since she's never clobbered _you_," Naruto grumbled the last part.

"Of course I have no reason to fear her, or any girl for that matter. Which is why I _don't_."

"Now, now, Sasuke," Naruto placated, raising a glob of noodles to his mouth. "Shoo don' hamf 'oo 'ie. I fink feh 'eason foo afai'd 'f mmffmm" he gulped and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, "is because of some childhood trauma."

The Uchiha squinted, until his eyes widened in unbidden horror as he realized that he had understood the entirety of the blonde's speech, ramen-muffled part included. _Oh_, he was spending _way _too much time with this idiot…

"Well, gee Naruto," Sasuke began, feigning curiosity. "_What _childhood trauma could you be talking about?" He raised an eyebrow at the boy who was currently stuffing his face with his thirteenth bowl of ramen.

Naruto paused mid-inhale of ramen, with said noodles still hanging from his mouth as he stared at his best friend for a few moments. A light went on in the blue-eyed boy's head and in one fell slurp, he Hoovered the rest of his 'bite.'

"Well… I wasn't really thinking of _that _childhood trauma, Sasuke," the Uzumaki began awkwardly. "I was kind of thinking maybe your mom used to dress you up in girl's clothes and had tea parties with you, or something, and _that _was what scarred you for life."

Sasuke was aghast. How _dare _Naruto think such horrible things of his dearly departed kaa-san?! She was a _saint_, that woman! She would never, _never _do such a horrible thing to her son! _Oh_, he was going to give the dobe a piece of his mind!

Just as he was about to give Naruto the verbal thrashing of his life, said teen spoke quietly and not with a little nervousness. "I've seen the pictures, Sasuke." The blonde looked away from his friend, eyes shifting between two lanterns that hung on the other side of the stall.

The ex-avenger froze.

It couldn't be. There was no way. No. Way.

_Dear Avenging, no…_

"_How?_" he managed to ask, hoarsely.

Naruto shuffled uncomfortably as he answered, "That time a few months back, when you dislocated your shoulder and Sakura-chan had to give you an at-home check-up, and me and Kaka-sensei sort of tagged along?"

Sasuke nodded numbly, indicating that he remembered. He _should_ remember; Naruto only broke three vases and shredded one tapestry---sadly, it was a record for the blonde. He usually caused much worse damage.

"When I broke the second vase," Naruto continued, "it had water in it and it kind of ruined Kaka-sensei's porn stash. And you know how stir-crazy he goes without his _Icha Icha_."

Again, Sasuke nodded, though his eyes were vacant.

"Well, he started rummaging around, looking to see if _you _had some lying around that he could read to tide him over until we left."

Sasuke wrinkled his nose slightly at this. Like _he _would have something like that disgusting filth in his home. Please!

"I _told_ him, 'Kaka-sensei, like Sasuke-teme is gonna have that stuff in his house. The guy's _gay_, for crying out loud! He wouldn't like the stuff Ero-sennin writes.'"

Here, Sasuke snapped out of his stupor for long enough to glare and smack the blonde jinchuuriki upside the head.

Naruto screeched out an ow, as he rubbed his sore noggin, but opted not to retaliate: he should have _known _that was coming.

"Anyway," he continued. "While he was looking around, he…came across the pictures." Naruto paused, looking like he was caught in a struggle between bursting out laughing or being sympathetic to his best friend's plight. What resulted was a bastard child of the two, as he sort of snort-giggled, while his eyebrows furrowed into a look of apology.

Sasuke could not believe it. He could have _sworn _he had burned those pictures. How could he have missed some?

"What did you do with them?" the shocked teen clipped out. If he knew Naruto and Kakashi, which he did, then they probably kept them for blackmail somewhere down the road.

"Me and Kaka-sensei kept them so we could blackmail you later on," Naruto answered lightly. Seeing his friend's robotic nod, he added, "But I'll give mine back and I'll try to get Kaka-sensei's back too, okay? Now that we've discovered that they deal with the root of your woman phobia, I'm sure he'll give the ones he has back so you can get better." The blonde nodded and took a slurp of his nth bowl of noodles.

With his mind still reeling, Sasuke vaguely heard himself mutter, "I'm not afraid of women."

"Okay teme. Whatever you say."

"And even if I was," the Uchiha teen went on, oblivious to Naruto's comment, "that wouldn't be the reason."

Here the Uzumaki paused his emulation of a garburator, and looked in question at his friend.

"Huh?"

Slowly drifting out of his daze, Sasuke looked at Naruto with distant eyes, and replied, "It's the fan-girls."

"Huh?" was Naruto's response, yet again. He had a noodle hanging from the corner of his mouth that was dripping soup on his trousers, but he was oblivious to it at the moment.

Shaking himself completely out of his stupor, Sasuke levelled an even gaze on his blonde companion and said, "It was the fan-girls. They are the reason I can't stand being around women. They are the reason I don't like to approach women. It's their fault."

Naruto stared at the Uchiha for a few moments. Then he burst out laughing, spewing ramen chunks all over the previously clean counter. (At least he didn't spray it on his friend again; Sasuke might have come out of there smelling like he was wearing miso scented cologne. _So _not cool.)

"_That's _your explanation?! The fan-girls?! HA HA!" Naruto slapped the counter, causing the mountain of empty ramen bowls next to him to clink and totter. Luckily, Ayame, the ramen girl, snatched up the stack before they hit the floor; crisis averted.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched in irritation. "Just what is so funny about this?"

Naruto chortled quietly before he said, "You're blaming girls liking you for your current fear of them. It doesn't get much more retarded than that!"

The Uchiha made a low sound in his throat as his twitching brow mutated into a full-on glower. "I'm not _afraid_ of them! And it is a _very _plausible explanation. They were always all over me, feeling me up, trying to kiss me, asking me out on dates. It was horrible." He shuddered at the memory.

"No," Naruto spoke slowly, stabbing his chopsticks into his companion's arm. "That's called 'Every Guy's Dream.'" He lifted some noodles, but paused and added, "Except for gay guys, that is." He flashed a mischievous grin. "I guess Sakura-chan is right! It's not fear of women that's keeping you away from them; it's the fact that you'd rather be pursuing---"

"Finish that sentence and I'll break your jaw to the end that you won't be able to eat ramen for a year," Sasuke gritted out, his own jaw cracking from clenching it.

Naruto just laughed and turned back to his precious ramen, internally whispering to his food how he could never he parted from it, broken jaw or not.

Staring hard at the chopstick holder, Sasuke muttered, "It wasn't as great as you seem to think it was, you know. The fan-girls… They can get quite…_aggressive. _And inappropriate. Aggressive and inappropriate." He glanced at the ceiling, and mumbled, "Not to mention annoying as hell."

"Mmhmm. Sure. Whatever," the blonde answered, placing a third empty bowl on the new stack next to him. (He just _had _to have empty legs. It was the only explanation.)

"How can I make you understand what it was like?" Sasuke asked with a sigh.

"Well, ya'd have to gayify me first…" Naruto muttered, but trailed off when he caught the glare his best friend was beaming his way.

Suddenly, Sasuke activated his Sharingan.

Understandably shocked, Naruto screeched, "Whoa! _Wait_! I was just kidding around, teme! _Ah_! Don't look in his eyes! Don't look in his eyes!" He began shifting his gaze about the ramen stall, from the ground to the sky outside, yet for some reason, he still ended up looking Sasuke square in the eyes. "Ah crap…" he muttered.

"Now," Sasuke said darkly, "you are going to understand, in very _painful_ detail, just what I went through all those years."

And with that, Naruto was transported into a world he had often dreamed of without ever realizing the dark, twisted truth behind it. (Oh, dear. Our favourite would-be Hokage was going to be getting a bitter dose of reality, with not even a spoonful of sugar to help it go down. Poor boy.)

The entire reveal only took a second in real time, but to Naruto it had been an eternity. (Well, actually, to Naruto it had only been one day. But the disturbing nature of the experience made him fear it would never end.)

Wide eyed and speechless, Naruto gaped at Sasuke with a silently moving mouth. An involuntary shudder pulled itself from the blonde boy's spine, as he seemed to curl into himself a few degrees, his arms coming up around his body, as though in an effort to both comfort and protect it.

Finding his voice, though it was shaky, Naruto said, "Do you… Do you need a hug or something, Sasuke?" He looked down, eyes wide and distant. "I… I think I need a hug…" His head snapped up, eyes wide with fear. "Of the _non-_touching variety, because that was just _way_ too much groping! And from six year olds! What's the world coming to?!" He shuddered again.

It was at this point that the jinchuuriki's girlfriend happened to enter Ichiraku, catching Naruto's eye.

"Hinata-chan!" he cried, the horror from before completely erased. "Where ya been---_No!_" Naruto screamed, waving his arms in front of himself to keep the confused Hyuuga girl at a distance. "Don't touch me! I'll have none of your grabby groping grabbiness! Away with thee foul dame!" he cried, backing into the counter in an effort to maintain an overly large personal bubble.

Hinata was understandably shocked and a little hurt that her boyfriend---who was usually so up close and personal---would be seemingly afraid of contact with her.

Seeing this and shaking himself out of his panic, Naruto cried, "_AH!_ _Sorrysorrysorrysorry!_" while shaking his clasped hands in an apologetic and pleading manner. He took a small step forward, though still refrained from actual physical contact with anyone. "I didn't mean that! It was the teme!" He jabbed a finger at his stoic friend. "He showed me this _horrible_ scene from his past when all the girls would like molest him in school and stuff! It was horrible! I'm just a little sensitive right now. The trauma is still fresh. But maybe later you can hold me?" Naruto finished, eyes bright with hope and face expectant.

Sasuke just rolled his eyes at the dobe's eccentric mind. But at least he knew now. What it was like for him all those years. Being, as Naruto had said, molested by the fan-girls everyday; mauled in school, as well as to and from said place; bombarded with shrill screams and suffocating perfume; having his locker and doorstep littered with reams of wasted paper from love notes and whatnot; being outright _stalked_ by countless man-hungry females with _inappropriate _agendas on their minds (well, really _what _stalker could possibly have an _appropriate _agenda in mind? That sort of went without saying); having unauthorized and privacy-violating pictures snapped of him at every turn and in every situation. Heck, he had even had to _burn _all of his old clothes and underwear when he wanted to get rid of them, lest some crazed fan-girl found them while rummaging through his garbage. Oh, it was a nightmare. And he had lived it _every_ day.

Casting a bored look about the ramen stand, Sasuke noticed Neji giving Naruto a fairly murderous glare, as said blonde continued to flirt with the Hyuuga heiress.

Oh oh! Looks like the brotherly cousin was not too keen on witnessing the courtship between his kin and her long-standing crush.

Good. Maybe now Sasuke would have something to entertain him. Just sitting around while your best friend chatted up his girlfriend, instead of helping _you _with your _own _courtship _issues_, was _not _Sasuke's idea of fun. Then again, not much _did _qualify as such for our Mighty Avenger… Well, the fact remained; he was bored. And a fight---verbal or physical---would be just the cure.

Of course, at the very moment Neji rose to put more distance between the two gravitating sweethearts, a streak of green and orange split the space-time continuum in front of the Hyuuga, with its vibrancy and splendour.

_Youthful_ splendour, that is. For it was none other that the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha, Rock Lee!

"Neji! Good morning!" Lee shouted in his cringing team-mate's face. He flashed a shiny smile and caught sight of Sasuke seated down the way. Leaping in front of the dark-eyed man, Lee shouted, "Good morning, my esteemed rival in the quest for fair Sakura-san's Youthful heart of beauty!" Another flashy smile burst forth from Lee's face.

Sasuke's eyes widened in shock. He could feel a just plain _vile _blush creeping into his cheeks, as his body ran cold.

_How can he possibly know?! I've only talked with the dobe about this today. He couldn't have found out about me trying to get Sakura--- Uhhhh… Trying to get Sakura…to…_

He shook his head vigorously, attempting to dislodge his thought process.

_No. He knows _nothing_. It's impossible. I mean, there isn't even anything to know! _

"What do you mean?" Sasuke muttered darkly.

Lee gave him a curious tilt of his ample eyebrows. "What do you mean what do you mean?" the taijutsu user asked.

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. Lee remained oblivious to the ocular threat.

"What do you mean by us being rivals over Sakura? What do you know? Where did you hear it? I want _names_." Sasuke stood, towering over the green-clad man, invoking every intimidation technique he had ever learned to get the answers he needed _now._

Lee's brows released themselves from their perplexed furrow and rose into a delighted arc. "Oh! Ha ha!" he cried, slapping the tense Uchiha on the arm. "I see! You are becoming serious about our rivalry! You have finally seen the threat I pose to your command of the fairest Sakura-san's heart! Yosh!" His eyes became alit with the Fire of Youth as tears amassed there. He raised a fist and shouted, "By the Will of Youth, I, Rock Lee, will _not _lose the love of the glorious beauty, Sakura-san, to my rival, Uchiha Sasuke! Should I fail to keep my vow, I will take up a rickshaw and cart about the people of Konoha, free of charge, for a whole month, while walking on my hands! THE POWER OF YOUTH WILL NOT FAIL ME!!!" Suddenly, Lee's eyes seemed to burst into two mini versions of Sasuke's Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu, as the energetic shinobi leapt into the air, fist raised as though in victory.

The Uchiha blocked out the display before him, instead choosing to focus on his own predicament, or lack thereof. Fuzzy-eyebrows didn't know about his _non_-pursuit of Sakura! He was just referring to her apparent preference for Sasuke over himself. Whew! Relief washed through Sasuke like so much water through a garden hose. Or, rather, he could _feel _water rushing over him like water from a garden hose.

"DOBE!" Sasuke shouted, leaping form his seat, now sporting a large, dark splotch on his black pants.

_Right over the crotch. Of course. Freaking moron, Naruto!_

"Ah! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!" Naruto shouted, looking horrified by what he had just done. "Please forgive me! I didn't mean to!"

He sounded so desperate. Geez. It wasn't an unconscionable sin. It wasn't _okay_, but it wasn't _totally _unforgivable. Sasuke had not known that Naruto could get so emotional about accidentally spilling ramen broth on his best friend. The guy needed ease up on his emotions a bit.

Staring down at his now half-filled bowl of ramen, Naruto cried, with glossy eyes, "I'm sorry! Ramen! I didn't mean to! Please forgive me! You know I love you, Ramen! Please! I'm sorry!"

Sasuke sagged inwardly, eyes narrowing to disbelieving slits. He was begging his _food _for forgiveness? What. In Avenging's name. Was. That? _Sasuke _was the one who had gotten miso soup all over his pants! _He _was the one who now looked like he couldn't get to a restroom in time! _He _was the one with the _extremely _uncomfortable sensation of wet trousers sticking to his…yeah. And the dobe was _apologizing _to his freaking _ramen_?!

"Excuse me," Sasuke clipped out, clearly seething. (Clear to the average person. Not so clear to a person with blonde hair, blue eyes, and an unhealthy love affair with noodles and soup.)

"Mhmm?" Naruto mumbled, mournfully wiping the counter of the few little dribbles of soup that _hadn't _landed in Sasuke's lap. (A message to the fan-girls: Please repress the urge to envy the soup. It is not healthy for your self-esteem to be jealous of inanimate objects. Thank you.)

The Uchiha's brow began twitching. He had held it off this long, but that brow could not be held down any longer.

"You got your bloody soup all over me."

"Yeah, I know," Naruto muttered, poking at his air-ridden noodles dejectedly. "A total waste of amazing food; I can't believe it. I almost feel sick."

A cracking sound tore itself from Sasuke's jaw.

_I…am _not _going to kill him. I still need him so I can get Sa---a _woman_ to believe that I am _not _gay, so I can eventually marry her and get her to have my children. … And, if she throws in some of that perfect chakra control and her green eyes, I won't complain. Maybe she could teach our kids that inhuman strength. Perhaps a few medical jutsus here and there. Yeah. That would be alrigh---Uh. That is… _If _the woman I marry _happens_ to possess those things! I mean, she won't _necessarily_ have all of those qualities. Because I don't _know _who it's going to be. It could be anyone… _

…_Anyone, except Ino. She's too yappy. And obviously Hinata, since the dobe's already with her. Not to mention, she's a Hyuuga. I'm looking to rebuild _my _clan, not join someone else's. And it can't be the Hyuuga and Fuzzy-eyebrows' team-mate. What's her name again? Temari? No, that was that crazy fan-wielder from Suna. Tezuna? No… That was…the name of that old guy we had to escort on our first mission as genin… Tempura? No. That's food. …Though Naruto's name comes from food too, so it could be… No. That's not it. Teflon? Ah, geez. No… It was something repetitive, right? Tantan? Tonton? No… That's the Hokage's pig. Tintin? Tintin. Yeah. That sounds right. Or maybe it was Tenten? …No. Tintin sounds right. I'm sticking with that. Okay. So, it can't be Tintin, because…I couldn't even remember her name. Enough said._

_And then most of my other options lead into fan-girl territory. That's a road I have vowed never to tread willingly. So there goes the rest of my options, save one._

_Sakura._

_Yes. _That_ is why I'm pursuing her! She's the only one left._

_It has _nothing _to do with me _wanting _to have her as my wife, so that we can then begin the _long, _and very _hard _process of producing mini-Uchihas. I mean, that task is _not _going to be walk in the park. I'm going to need someone who can bring it until it can't be brought anymore. There's going to have to be give-and-take on both ends. We need to have a _union_ of thoughts and goals if our children are to be brought into this world, at a rate of one per year for the next twelve years. There needs to be some perfectly _rhythmic_ synergy going down. _

_This will all be made a lot easier if the person I choose is someone I am familiar with and know fairly well. That's Sakura._

_There we go. Now I've perfectly rationalized my lie for choosing Sakura---my _reason _for choosing Sakura. It's not a lie. This is the real _reason _I have chosen her. There is no other reason. If someone said that I chose her because my dreams are haunted with images of her silky pink hair and her depthless green eyes, which seem to stare into my very soul when she looks at me, and that when I wake up from said dreams, I swear I can smell her scent in the air, and that I spend the rest of the night staring outside at the Sakura trees, lost in thoughts of pink and green and small children with dark hair and depthless green eyes, then they would be _so wrong

_Yes. So, that is why I will _not_ kill the dobe for pissing me off one too many times. He knows Sakura better than I do. He knows _women _better than I do, which is entirely disturbing to me; that the dobe knows more about something than I do. _

_So, I will let him live. For _now_. But I _will _be getting him back for this. Apologizing to his ramen and not me… Idiot._

Something rough and damp smacked Sasuke's face.

"What the hell?" the Uchiha growled, glaring at the offending object that _dared _to attack him: a hand. More specifically, Naruto's hand. Glaring at the blonde ramenvore, Sasuke snarled, "What are you doing, you moron?!"

"You were spacing out for like, a whole minute, teme!" Naruto whined, indignant at being yelled at for doing what he thought was a good deed. "I was just bringing you back to reality."

"Hn," Sasuke replied. He would not apologize for snapping at Naruto. Naruto hadn't apologized for the soup-meet-crotch thing; he wasn't apologizing either.

"I was talking with Neji and Fuzzy-eyebrows over here about what you showed me," Naruto continued on, forgetting their little spat almost instantly.

_Yes. His memory is most definitely like that of a goldfish._

"Neji doesn't believe me about how terrifying it was. So I asked you to show him, but you were all 'head-in-the-clouds' and '_Oh_! How I _wish_ Sakura_-chan_ was here so we could make sweet, _sweet'_---OWWWWW!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

Sasuke just glared at the jinchuuriki, eyes saying, "You know _very well _what the hell that was for, usuratonkachi."

Naruto rubbed his bruised noggin, muttering, "Well at least we know you and Sakura-chan have something in common…"

After a few moments of silence, interrupted only by Lee's quiet counting as he did butt flexes, working his glutes as he sat, waiting for his ramen order, Naruto continued with his tale.

"I want you to show Neji what you showed me," the Uzumaki repeated, swirling his chopsticks in his thirty-third bowl of ramen (but who was counting?).

Sasuke looked over at the Hyuuga prodigy, eyebrow cocked in challenge. "Are you actually going to willingly go under the Sharingan eye, Hyuuga? That's either very brave or very foolish."

Meeting his challenging gaze with one of his own, Neji answered, "Since I do not fear your eyes, it cannot be a brave thing to go under them. And since I do not fear any harm from them, it cannot be foolish to meet them."

"You think I can't hurt you?" Sasuke asked, a smirk pulling his lips.

"I think you _won't _hurt me," Neji replied, a small smirk quirking his own mouth.

"Okay guys," Naruto interrupted. "That's enough subliminal 'My clan is better than your clan and therefore has the better dojutsu'ing for now. You can save it for when someone actually begins to _care_ about which clan has got the biggest hot air-filled head," the blonde said, looking between the two stoic-faced shinobi. "Oh, and here's a hint: that will be _never_," he added, nodding with wide, sarcastic eyes.

Ending their staring match reciprocally, the two dark-haired shinobi turned their attention on the loud blonde.

Noticing their gifted eyes upon him, Naruto finished slurping up his 'mouthful' of noodles and wiped his face with his sleeve.

"Well?" the blonde asked expectantly, head turning back and forth between the two pale shinobi. "Get 'er going, teme!" He slapped his best friend on the back, eliciting a scowl from said male. Oblivious, Naruto continued, "Go get that Sharingan warmed up and give old White Eyes over here," he jabbed his thumb at Neji, "a taste of the horrors we've been through. We shouldn't be the only ones to suffer."

Still scowling, Sasuke muttered, "That _I _went through, dobe. _You _didn't go through what I went through. What I showed you doesn't even _begin _to cover it."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto mumbled between his final slurps of ramen, shrugging, as best he could. "Just get a move on."

Sasuke activated his Sharingan and levelled a challenging smirk at the Byakugan wielder. "Ready, Hyuuga?"

Neji snorted, back straight and jaw set. "I always am, Uchiha."

Naruto just rolled his eyes at their antics. And people said _he _was dramatic.

The lapse in time was but a few seconds but, as with Naruto, eternity wouldn't have seemed as long. Such was the effect of the evil of fan-girls.

Neji was stoic faced and silent, as per usual, but with a stonier set to his features and a definitive rhythmic clenching of his jaw, quiet cracking sounds emanating from said bone at regular intervals.

At that most sensitive and crucial moment for Neji's now more-scarred psyche, his female team-mate happened to come waltzing into Ichiraku for some lunch. (After much begging (crying with manly tears), Lee had finally convinced the Weapons Mistress to meet him for lunch so she could give the hopeless boy some pointers on winning his beloved Sakura-san's heart. It was a tedious and unwelcome task, but she _did_ owe him.)

"TENTEN! YOU CAME!!!" Lee screamed, leaping from his seat and making to hug the girl. "I was a little concerned that you might back out of our agreement, but I realize my folly! My Youthful team-mate would _never _do something like that! Yosh! Tenten! You are an inspiration!"

Before the manly tears could start flowing, Tenten muttered a greeting to her emotive team-mate, and walked up to Neji, intent on giving him a greeting as well. She didn't want to be _rude _to the mighty Genius of Geniuses, now did she?

"Hey, Neji. How's it go---"

Her words ended abruptly when the addressed nin quickly rose from his seat and moved to the one on the other side of Lee, effectively putting a blockade (a Beautiful Green Beast of a blockade) between them.

"What's wrong with you?" Tenten asked, giving her long-haired team-mate a strange look.

"I think the more appropriate question is what's wrong with _you_," Neji bit out, not deigning to look the kunoichi in the eye.

"What do you mea---"

"Oh, I think you know," Neji interrupted, casting narrowed eyes at the confused girl to his far right. "I've seen it all. I know how your _kind_ works."

"My _'kind'_?" Tenten repeated, eyebrows raising impossibly high in incredulity.

"That's what I said," the Hyuuga man replied, snippy. "And I'll tell you right now, I will _not_ tolerate it from you! I've been far too at ease around you. I now realize my folly. I will not be taken for a fool. There is no way you are getting near _my_ goods!" He shifted ever so slightly further away, despite the fact that Lee was already separating them. One could never be too sure how far these _women _creatures might go to get what they were after.

"Your '_goods_'?" the kunoichi screeched. This was getting ridiculous. "What the _heck_ are you going on abou---"

"You _know _what I am talking about Tenten! You and the rest of your kind!"

"What do you mean by my 'kind'? You're not making any sense!"

"Womankind!" Neji fairly shouted. He narrowed his eyes on her. "_Females. _Girls. Women. You all take and touch what isn't yours! You have no right! And I will be _damned_ if I allow you to take advantage of my innocent body ever again!"

"_WHAT?!"_ Tenten screamed, rising from her stool and fingering the hilt of a kunai.

The Hyuuga prodigy seemed oblivious to his team-mate's sudden surge in ill-intent, and continued on. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And I am no fool; therefore there is no way, not even in an _icy hell_, that I'll let you near my personal being ever again," he spoke, with a vicious voice. He cast a disdainful look at the Weapons Mistress and said, "You've had your disgusting way for long enough. Now it's time for me to protect what's mine and mend whatever you may have broken with your filthy furtive forelimbs."

Tenten shook her head, an attempt to jar her current situation from existence. It didn't work.

"Alliteration aside," she began, eying him strangely. "Which, coming from you, is in and of itself a _far_ too healthy dose of disturbing---you are _not_ _making any sense_! From what I can garner from your ranting---again, disturbing, coming from you---you think I've, like, _molested_ you, or something! What the heck, Neji?!"

The Hyuuga closed his eyes in that calm manner of his and said, snippily and coolly, "Judging from what I've seen, it's a likely possibility."

Well! _Now _Tenten was angry. No; scratch that. The _Weapons Mistress _was officially _Pissed. Off_.

"Well you certainly have an inflamed case of '_you're full of yourself_'!" she shouted, leaning menacingly over Lee in an effort to intimidate Neji. "Not once! _Not once_ have I _ever_ so much as flirted with you, never mind _groped _you, you egotistical jerk!" She slammed the countertop and shook her head sharply, jaw clenched in an attempt to _not _pick up what was nearest to her (Lee) and beat something (Neji) with it. A cynical light sparked in her brown eyes. "While we're on the topic, I should say that _I'm _the one who should be accusing _you _of molestation!"

"_WHAT?!_" Neji screamed. (And yes. That was a _scream_. He had never been so insulted, incredulous, or infuriated in his life. He had also never been so many 'in' words in his life, either.)

"Yeah, that's right!" Tenten declared, hands on her hips and head nodding, her eyes holding a rather vindictive glint. "All of your Jyuukening and whatnot. I don't care if there really _are _tenketsu there, my 'chestal' area is _off-limits_! You hear me?" She slammed the counter again, making the oddly quiet Lee jump in fear. "There is no reason for you to be jabbing your fingers at such a sensitive and _private_ area! …Pervert."

"Excuse me?" Neji screeched. _Oh. Fate. No_. He did not just _screech_. Hyuuga Neji never screeched. How undignified. He cleared his throat. "It's called training! I've _never_ touched you inappropriately. It's… It's _training_!" he bellowed, minding the pitch of his voice, and cringing when the last word came out whinier than he had intended.

"Yeah, whatever." Tenten muttered, waving her hand about carelessly. "It's the same deal with me. All _I've_ ever done with you is training. I've never done anything beyond that. I… I just _cannot _believe you would think that of me! Of all the nerve! _UGH_!" She stamped her foot hard, accidentally slamming down on Lee's poor toes instead of the ground.

The Green Beast yelped and pulled his damaged foot up, banging his knee into the underside of the counter in the process. He yelped again and bent to the side so he could clutch his poor battered limb, resulting in him falling from his stool. Lee didn't seem to care, though. He was too focused on rolled about on the floor in agony, rubbing his battered foot and knee, shouting for the Power of Youth to give him the strength to endure.

Ignoring Lee's plight, like the good team-mate he was, Neji sniffed, "Well, if you had seen what I've seen, you might understand."

Tenten cast a sceptical glance at the Hyuuga, also ignoring her team-mate's pain. (He would be up and spouting about the joys of Youth in moments. Lee was a quick healer like that. She wasn't too concerned.) "What?" she said, her still-peeved state making her words rather snippy. "You've been gang-molested by a bunch of rabid fan-girls? I know you were rather popular in the academy, but I don't recall it ever getting like that."

"No." Neji shook his head, taking in a deep, calming breath. "Not to me. Uchiha showed Naruto. And then Naruto insisted that I see it too. So I did." He shook his head again and failed to suppress a shudder.

"That bad, huh?"

Neji stared at a hanging lamp, eyes distant. "Even after it has ceased to haunt my waking hours, my dreams will forever be scarred."

It really had to have been horrible; it had Neji speaking in emo-tongue. He only ever brought that out when his internal barriers had been breached. Poor guy…

Having been watching the scene twixt Neji and Tenten, Naruto's eyes were wide and amazed.

"Sasuke-teme," Naruto whispered slowly, not taking his eyes off the dazed Hyuuga. "I think you broke Neji."

"It's possible," Sasuke answered, eyeing the white-eyed man with boredom. "I did show him a week's worth of abuse, whereas you only saw one day."

Naruto's head snapped about to face his friend. "Why would you do that?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the blonde, hinting that his reason should be quite obvious. "He's Hyuuga," the Uchiha said, like that explained everything.

Naruto's face broke into a foxy grin as he waggled a finger. "Aw, Sasuke. Everyone thinks you're all rehabilitated, but I see, inside, you're the same old evil teme we spent three years hunting down."

"Pretty much," said teme replied with closed eyes and a shrug.

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Okay. That's chapter two. I told you it would be a lot longer than the first one was. I don't know when chapter three will come out. Honestly, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I have no idea what I'm even going to be doing in it. It shouldn't be too long off though. I'm feeling pretty inspired with this tale. It's quite refreshing. I usually have one moment of unhindered thought, followed by _absolutely nothing_, so that I have to _wring _the rest of the story out of my brain. This one is so much easier.

Tell me what you thought. Remind Mr. Clicky that he's not alone down there; please review!

Happy New Year people! Have a good one!


	3. The Consequences

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated by some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Chapter 3: The Consequences**

It was two days later when Kakashi began to suspect that something was not on the level with his former students.

For one, Sakura wasn't beating the crap out of Naruto for annoying her. Indeed, that was perhaps the _most _disturbing thing about the situation. The obnoxious blonde _wasn't being obnoxious!_

That of course didn't mean that Naruto was being completely well-mannered. Quite the contrary, as it were.

He wouldn't stop eyeing Sakura like she were some amorphous alien entity that had just crash-landed and was looking for blood; particularly _Naruto's_ blood, judging by the boy's new-found skittishness of his team-mate. And when the kunoichi would look his way, Naruto would muffle a squeak and snap his head about the other direction, hiding his widened eyes, perspiring forehead, and mumbling lips, which were apparently praying for deliverance.

The strangeness obviously disturbed Sakura, but she valiantly ignored it, along with her mildly twitching brow.

But Naruto was an odd duck, Kakashi knew. His eccentricity was epic, so his behaviour _could _be written off as some odd new quirk the boy had picked up as the result of some misunderstood encounter that led the blonde to completely skew the experience into something that justified his barely concealed terror of Sakura. It was possible. Kakashi had seen it happen before. Naruto's misinterpretation of events and people's words was well-known to the Copy-nin, as the grey-head had often had to suffer through the mind-bending actions that would ensue when Naruto was confused. The jinchuuriki's current behaviour was a hallmark of such a situation.

_I guess I have _that _to look forward to today,_ Kakashi thought, sighing quietly; a nearly imperceptible droop of his shoulders.

Turning his attention from the fairly _cowering_ blonde, Kakashi assessed his other two former students. They were not in much better sorts than Naruto.

Now, it wasn't the strangest thing in the world for Sakura to ignore Sasuke. Ever since his return, she had been giving him considerable space, saying that she didn't want to "annoy" him.

It took a lot out of her to do that, Kakashi knew. She had worked ceaselessly for _years_ to the end of bringing the Uchiha back to Konoha; worked every bit as hard as Naruto had, but after their goal was realized, she wasn't even benefiting from the results as Naruto was. Naruto almost spent more time with Sasuke than he did eating ramen. _Almost._ If he wasn't at Ichiraku and Hinata was at home---and therefore under the ever-watchful eyes of her cousin and father, meaning no Naruto allowed---then it was a safe bet that the blonde was off annoying the ever-living out of a certain Mr. Avenger-person. It was as though Naruto were trying to make up for the years they had lost.

But Sakura usually only saw and interacted with Sasuke during Team Seven's twice a week training, which Kakashi did with his original team as a means of keeping in touch with them. There were few people who had as big an impact on his life as these three, and those other few were already dead. Kakashi did not want to lose these ones before they were even really gone.

During those training sessions, Sakura maintained an aloof disposition, neither smothering nor ignorant. She treated Sasuke as she would Neji or Shino; politely, but not familiarly.

She wasn't being rude, it was just that past and more recent experience gained shortly after his less-than joyous return, had taught Sakura that Sasuke enjoyed her company…as long as she wasn't near him. And so, instead of ignore the implied directions of "leave me alone," as she would have those many years ago, Sakura chose to give him his space, even though it cut and depressed her to do so. So much energy, so much effort, so much anticipation for his return, and what did she have to show for it? A barely changed distance between them and a more absent friend in Naruto, as he spent so much time with the Uchiha now. Kakashi figured the blonde would realize the downward slope his actions were taking soon enough. Naruto had a knack for muddling his way to correct and better solutions.

But regardless of Sakura's "new" usual behaviour, the way she was acting today was _not_ the same. It was as though the very _presence_ of Sasuke was enough to depress the usually buoyant girl to the point of catatonia. Not so much as a half-hearted, "Shut up Naruto, you moron!" passed her down-turned lips, nor did a twitch of a fist flying on a turn show in her movements. And it escalated with every mutter from the Uchiha, and every glance she took at him.

_Hokage-sama save me. I'm going to have to deal with a girl who---a _woman_ who has apparently given up on love._ Kakashi sagged inwardly, eyeing all three nin before him. _Couldn't I have gotten at least _one _emotionally stable student? Would that have been too much to ask? _He glanced at the only dark-head among them and sighed mentally. _And he's the worst of them all._

The Copy-nin had not allowed the oddness in his other students' actions to blind him to Sasuke's irregularities. His were more subtle, unnoticeable to perhaps any but Kakashi himself. They were very similar, he and Sasuke. That made it relatively easy for the older man to divine the younger's hidden thoughts and actions, just as he did six years ago when he tried to explain to Sasuke why he should abandon thoughts of revenge, knowing that the Uchiha was at a turning point in his life. Unfortunately, Kakashi's words hadn't had the desired effect, a still-sore point of remembrance for the Copy-nin. But Kakashi has since learned that when on was dealing with a dissenting or troubled Uchiha Sasuke (which was almost always), one ought to not only be painfully blunt, but also extremely forceful, physically, if possible. ...And damage his hair in some way. (A month of training before the Chuunin Exam had allowed the grey-head to learn an awful lot about his protégé. Like the fact that the boy was extremely protective of his hair. Smack his face, break his bones, lacerate his flesh, and it was all cool, but mess with his hair and you had better make peace with the Almighty, because that kid would _freak_! And it wouldn't be the simple and mildly understandable, "Watch the 'do, man!" No. It would be the heart-stopping _screech_, "_What the hell?! _I just spent_ forty-five minutes _perfecting this! You think my trademark Cockatoo 'Do © just comes natural?! No man! No one just _wakes up_ with hair this awesome! It takes _forever_ to get my hair this way! And then you go and mess it up with your freaking water jutsu! Freaking watch it, man!" Yes. Uchiha Sasuke could indeed, rant about something as superfluous as _hair_. Though a part of Kakashi could sympathize with the boy; the Copy-nin himself was quite protective and obsessive about his own hair. But the difference between him and Sasuke was that Kakashi didn't freak out when something happened to his precious silver Sideways Swish ©. No, he kept all of his anger and frustration inside, allowing it to slowly fester and grow until one day---likely one day _soon_---it would all come out in a torrent of fermented fury, destroying the poor souls who may have the misfortune of being nearby at the time.) The guy would freak, but listen while his 'do was at your mercy. It had worked three times so far for Kakashi.

And since the Hatake knew the Uchiha so well, he knew there was something off with that one, too. And it was, without a doubt, related to a Haruno.

_Time to play psychologist,_ he sighed inside.

"Naruto."

The junchuuriki jumped at his name, having been pulled from his wary watch of his female friend. Rather than remain in his spot and be forced to attempt to keep one eye on Sakura and one on his addressor, Naruto scurried over to Kakashi, taking up a position where Sakura was visible to the blonde, just over his sensei's shoulder.

Kakashi wilted at the boy's antics, but otherwise ignored them.

"Is there a bounty on your head that you think Sakura is looking to cash-in on, or are you just acting retarded for the heck of it?" Kakashi asked, apathy at home in his voice, despite the sincerity of the question.

Naruto's face screwed up, as though he had just eaten a lemon. A lemon of _intelligence_, that is, because it was painfully obvious to the sensei that the blonde boy hadn't understood the meaning of his words, but rather took them in a completely different and unrelated manner, and was about to react accordingly.

"Kakashi-sensei, why would I have a _brownie_ on my head, dattebayo? And even if I did, what would Sakura-chan have to do with it? Unless… Do you think…?" He gasped, a look of terror crossing his bright features. He stared intently into Kakashi's face with wide, wavering eyes. "_She has the hots for me!_" he cried, shrilly. "And now she's looking to steal my _brownies_, dattebayo! _Nooo!_ But I'm with Hinata-chan! My brownies are for _Hinata-chan_, dattebayo! And I'm not even ready to let her have them yet! Not after that abusive horror Sasuke-teme showed us. I just ca---"

"What did Sasuke show you?" The Copy-nin was more alert than he had been in _years_.

Naruto quirked an eyebrow at this, looking unimpressed, and muttered, "I said '_horror_,' Kaka-sensei, not 'whor---'"

"Naruto, shut up." Kakashi glowered reproachfully while feeling his self-esteem drop another eleven points. _Is that what they think of me? It's because of _Icha Icha_, I know… But I just can't stop!_ He clutched the ever-present smut a little bit closer.

"What did Sasuke show you?" he clipped out slowly and clearly. "I'm very aware that anything _Sasuke_ showed you would be lacking in sex and its practitioners."

Naruto shivered, though it was obvious that he tried to hide it. "That's where you're wrong, Kaka-sensei, dattebayo. So very, very wrong."

After Naruto quickly and quietly related the events of two days ago, and the blonde had punctuated it with various violent gestures and animated facial expressions---though he always kept one blue eye on the female behind Kakashi---everything was suddenly making a whole lot more sense to the Copy-nin.

"So, because you saw a snippet of Sasuke's stalking/molesting/obsessing fan-girl-filled past, you're now afraid that Sakura is going to jump your bones?"

"Yeah, dattebayo! Every man would be and _should_ be!" He cast shifty eyes about the clearing, watching the nearby bushes with suspicion. "They're _very_ sneaky, these women folk."

A hefty smack upside the head brought Naruto's wary attention back to the man before him.

"What was that for, Kaka-sensei?" Naruto whined, rubbing his abused skull.

"Naruto, focus," Kakashi spoke, ignoring his former student's complaint. "So, you're acting out because of _that_, Sasuke is bothered by his inability to approach Sakura, and Sakura is distraught because she has finally given up Sasuke as a lost cause. When you three hit an emotional rough patch, you _really _crash spectacularly, you know that?"

Naruto shrugged modestly. "We try."

Kakashi shook his head, once again amazed by the jinchuuriki's obliviousness.

"KAKASHI!!! MY ETERNAL RIVAL! I _DEMAND_ THAT YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS AT ONCE!"

The Copy-nin sighed. _When it rains, the hurricane has made landfall._

Turning about lazily to face the newcomer, Kakashi continued to eye his orange book, though he was very aware of the flustered and, dare he say, scandalized appearance of Maito Gai.

"Gai. How are you?" he said as monotonously as his vocal cords could manage.

Gai was apparently not in the mood for pleasantries, as he jumped right into the cause of his distress.

"My student's Youthful fire is suffering greatly, and it is the fault of _your_ students! As their teacher, I _demand_ that you take responsibility for it!"

Kakashi looked to Sasuke and Naruto with as much reproach as he could muster for the situation. "Boys, their names are Neji, Lee, and Tenten, _not_ White-eyes/Hyuu_gay_, Fuzzy-eyebrows, and White-eyes/Hyuu_gay_'s and Fuzzy-eyebrows' Team-mate. Such terms are hurtful. I don't want to hear you saying those things ever again, you hear me?"

The two addressed shinobi held back smirks as they nodded, going along with their teacher's game.

Turning back to the green-clad sensei, Kakashi shrugged. "There you go. Problem solved. I'm truly sorry about that. I _try_ to be a good influence on them, but there's only so much I can do with such troubled children."

Gai's face reddened to a fiery shade as he sputtered and made strange, jerky gestures with his hands, desperately trying to form coherent words, through sign language if necessary.

"That's _not_ what I'm talking about, Kakashi!" he finally managed to shout, though it came out marginally shrill, a testament to Gai's distress. "His Springtime of Youth is going through a Woeful Winter, thanks to _that_ one's eyes, and _that_ one's suggestion to use them for such a _heinous_ act!" Gai jabbed accusing fingers at Sasuke and Naruto, indignation permeating his flustered countenance.

Kakashi tore his eye from _Icha Icha Paradise_ for zero-point-two seconds to flick over his former male pupils, registering their completely unrepentant expressions, and taking in Gai's passionate thirst for retribution.

"This is about Neji-kun, then? From what I was told, he went under the Sharingan willingly. Can't put full blame on Sasuke and Naruto when Neji knew the risks involved."

Gai turned about and stared at Kakashi as though the Copy-nin had pulled down his mask and spit out a baby. "Neji? What would Neji have to do with this? I'm talking about my _Lee_!" He raised his hands in an "It's the end of the world!" manner, as his eyes bore into Kakashi's lone one, with more earnest than he had _ever_ exhibited. And this was _Gai_. That was saying something.

"Lee?" Kakashi raised his visible brow, casting the corresponding eye to his suddenly sheepish male students. "I wasn't aware that Lee was involved, too."

Naruto shifted uneasily, rubbing the back of his spiky head, with closed eyes and a nervously laughing smile. "Yeah, I may have forgotten to mention that," he chuckled.

"And how bad is he?" the grey-head asked, recalling Naruto's antics and the boy's description of Neji's reaction. It couldn't be worse, could it?

Gai let out a bereaved groan, his face buried in his hands, form hunched in an earnest lament. "It's horrible! I've never seen his Flame of Youth this dampened. He's terrified of Tenten!" Gai snapped his head up to stare intently at his rival. "Do you know what he called her?" he fairly hissed, as though senbon were being removed from his feet. "He called our team's fair flower… 'Unyouthful Vamp'!" Gai whispered the last part, before slapping both hands over his mouth, shaking his head as his wide eyes stared disbelievingly at Kakashi's stoic face. With his voice still hushed, he heatedly spoke, "I can't believe my Lee would say something so blasphemous to Youth!" A distressed hiccup escaped the black-haired man's lips.

Kakashi's eye drooped a few extra millimetres.

"Yes. What a horrible thing to say. What are the young'uns learning these days?" the Copy-nin murmured, voice robotic and ripe with sarcasm.

"I know!" Gai exclaimed, not picking up on Kakashi's insincerity. "I couldn't believe what came over him! At first, I thought he was an impostor. I mean, that just couldn't be my Lee! But after slipping him a micky and seeing his Drunken Fists technique, I knew." Gai shook his head, thinking about the experience. "On the plus side, he completely obliterated the tree he was hiding in. I had tried coaxing him out with curry, but I guess I just don't make it hot enough."

"Fuzzy-eyebrows was _still_ in that tree?" Naruto asked, mild disbelief skewing his bright features.

"You knew of his situation?" Gai asked.

"Oh yeah. He clawed his way in there after the teme showed him the fan-girl experience, and Tenten-chan asked him if he was still up for dating pointers to get Sakura-chan, or something like that. Man, did he _freak_!" Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment. "I've never seen someone literally _claw_ through a tree trunk to make a hidey-hole. He was like a mole, except, you know, in a tree." He frowned. "I guess he wasn't really like a mole then. A beaver maybe? But they chew through wood, not claw…"

"A woodpecker?" Kakashi offered, feeding the inanity that was Naruto's train of thought.

"Naw, he wasn't hitting the tree," Naruto murmured, ever-formulating his way to an analogy suited to the situation. "He was clawing and scratching out a hole in the wood, so he could hide in it. Woodpeckers don't do that, Kaka-sensei."

The grey-head smirked behind his mask, eye on the dirty words before him. "True enough," he answered.

"A woodchuck?! Lee was like a woodchuck!" Gai shouted, far too excited about this very sad naming game.

"Woodchucks don't do that either," Naruto mumbled. "Maybe there _aren't_ any animals that do that, exactly…"

Gai slumped, defeated, put prepared for his self-enforced discipline to follow such a failure. _Fifteen hundred jumping jacks, while wearing all of my weights and standing on a floating log, it is then!_

Still pondering, Naruto shouted, "Hey teme! Help me out here, would ya? Did Fuzzy-eyebrows more resemble an aardvark or a mongoose?"

"Tch! Will you just shut up?! No one _cares_ what Fuzzy-eyebrows may or may not have resembled when he clawed himself a burrow in that stupid tree!"

"Au contraire, Sasuke," Gai interjected, raising a challenging finger in the air. "_I_ care what Lee resembled when he made that hole. If he resembled an aardvark, I will have cause for great concern! They are the epitome of Unyouthfulness."

"Why's that, Super-eyebrows-sensei?" Naruto asked, intrigued beyond healthy levels, as Naruto often was.

"They have long sticky tongues! Now, who does _that_ remind you of, I ask?" Gai answered, giving the blonde a pointed look.

"Oh," Naruto grunted. Then a light went on and the words actually registered. "Ohhh!" he repeated, understanding taking hold, as visions of the former Sound leader filled his sparse mind.

Gai nodded. "I know! However, mongooses _eat_ snakes, so obviously they are quite Youthful." He held Naruto's awed gaze for another few moments. "So, which is it?" Gai asked, turning back to Sasuke, arms akimbo and a stern look upon his features.

The Uchiha stared back for a second, in which a malicious glint flashed and then went out in his slate eyes. "An aardvark," he stated lowly, fighting the smirk that begged his lips for display time. "He resembled an aardvark."

Gai gasped, leaping back a few feet. "You lie!" the Green Beast accused, pointing a trembling finger at a silently gloating Sasuke. "It can't be…"

"These eyes don't lie," Sasuke said, leaning forward a bit so the spandex-sporting man could clearly see his eyes flash their hidden gift for a second, emphasizing the point. "And they saw something akin to an aardvark." He had to force another smirk back. Oh, how he loved messing with people who irritated him.

Gai gave a defeated sob-sigh, his entire frame dropping half a foot. "This is a disaster…" he mumbled, more to himself than anyone else.

"Did you guys at least _try_ to drag him out of the tree, once he got in there?" Kakashi asked, slight concern about his students' morals forcing his eye to their faces rather than the porn that was probably already burned into his retina.

"Oh yeah," Naruto answered, putting his hands behind his head. "We tried everything we could think of at the time, dattebayo. We even tried to _smoke_ him out of there, but every time the teme would try to blow out some fire, he'd have to stop, 'cause he kept getting this creepy smirk-smile on his face, like he was fighting a laugh."

"I did not!" the Uchiha in question snapped, indignant at the affront to his unfeeling, unfun façade.

"You were too, so stop denying it. Not like there's anything to be embarrassed about. Fuzzy-eyebrows' crying sounds like a squirrel's chatter! I was busting a gut listening to it! He looked like one, too!" The loud blonde chuckled. He turned to face Sasuke and mimicked squirrel cheeks by puffing up his cheeks and moving his jaw to make them quiver.

Sasuke smirked. "That's about what he looked like, yeah."

"So, now you're saying he resembled a squirrel?" Gai asked, abruptly ceasing his rather flamboyant laments over the newfound "Unyouthfulness" of his prize pupil.

"Well, when he was sobbing his heart out in his hidey-hole, yeah," Naruto answered hesitantly, eyeing the older man strangely.

"Yes! Squirrel trumps aardvark on the Youthometre! My Lee is still firmly placed in the Springtime of Youth!" Gai struck the "Good Guy" pose and blinded the other shinobi with his ping!ing smile.

Sobering, as his still-troubled student came to mind, Gai turned serious eyes upon the three men before him. "But the state he is in is nothing to be pleased about. It must be undone! I think Lee passed it to Neji. He's very…skittish around Tenten now. And Tenten! Well, she has been especially violent lately and Neji has been the target of her ten-for-ten accuracy more often than usual lately. Their Youthful Flames are spiralling out of control! Just what am I supposed to do to fix this?" Gai asked, desperation in his face as he cast about for answers in the other shinobi's eyes.

"Uhm… Excuse me?"

Four heads turned in unison toward the voice that interrupted their "crisis help workshop."

Sakura was blinking at the blank stares she received, as she calmed her confusion long enough to say, "If you don't mind filling me in here, I would like to know what you're all so riled up over?" She watched them expectantly.

When no one else seemed forthcoming, Gai took it upon himself to answer the kunoichi's inquiry, but a sharp word and eye from Kakashi made him stop. Gai wasn't sure of the reason, but he trusted his friend's judgement.

Irritated, Sakura's eyes alit on Naruto and she smiled, thinking that it would be easiest to pry information out of him, rather than the other three, who were silent as the grave and seemed determined to stay that way.

However, that sweet smile appeared as anything but innocent to Naruto's eyes. The blonde boy yelped in terror and skittered behind Kakashi, peeking over the taller man's shoulder every few seconds, as though checking if she had left and it was safe to come out of "hiding."

Kakashi ignored the jinchuuriki's behaviour, very accustomed to it by now. He just kept a steady eye on his love and made sure _nothing_ drew his attention away from it. He feared the things that may spill from his masked lips should he be looking into wide, innocent green eyes when Sakura asked her question again.

_I'm such a pathetic softie_, the Copy-nin sighed to himself.

Seeing no venue with her sensei, Sakura took her final option. Turning to her left, Sakura levelled Sasuke with a gaze overshadowed by an arched eyebrow. "Sasuke-kun, just what are you all talking about? What happened to Lee-san?"

The Uchiha avoided eye contact with her and stood stock-still. He chose his response carefully, weighing his words and eradicating anything that may lead the girl to the true circumstances surrounding the events that transpired two days ago in Ichiraku Ramen Bar. His answer was thus, "Hn."

A prominent vein made itself known on Sakura's forehead, punctuated by the steady throb of her irate pulse.

"If something is wrong with Lee-san, I would like to know. Maybe I can help. I _am_ a medic-nin, after all," she grit out, fists held still, close to her thighs.

"You can't help him," Sasuke answered, knowing without a doubt that his words were true, and dutifully ignoring the little voice that said he was saying that more to keep Sakura from helping (spending time with) Lee, than to save Fuzzy-eyebrows more trauma with the presence of a terrifying female. "You would just make it worse. There's nothing you can do that will be of any use."

_All true. No one can say I had underhanded motives for saying that… Especially because I _didn't_! Pfft. Sakura can spend time with whoever she wants. I don't care about that. We're not even "together" yet---_IF_ that even happens! It's not like it's written in stone that I _need _Sakura to be my wife and subsequent mother of my children. I decided to pursue her as a _possibility_, but that's not to say I won't find someone else. Someone better. Someone more beautiful than breathtaking. Someone smarter than a walking, talking encyclopaedia. Someone stronger than an inhumanly fearsome goddess who can make sand out of mountains with just her fists. Someone who can say my name even more breathlessly than she can. Someone who can smile even brighter than her intense, sun smiles. Someone who has medical skills that freaking _prevent_ injuries, rather than just heal them within moments of attention being administered, completely _stealing_ any time you could have taken to _enjoy_ that healing touch just a little bit more, an---_Crap_! That is... Well… … … … …_

_I've been _thinking_, and I decided that those attributes are really well-suited for my future minions to possess. And some might say that I've just narrowed the pool down to a choice few, but really, they're just being overly flattering to the people who fit the criteria. I mean, really, how unique is absolute perfect chakra control, coupled with extremely high intelligence, a strong gift in medical jutsu, an inherent knack for genjutsu, depthless green eyes, pink hair, and a given name of Sakura? (The surname is irrelevant, really. It's just going to change to Uchiha right away, anyway.) I'm pretty sure I could find at least…_three_ within a week if I looked hard enough… Of course, I would want someone closer to Konoha, so as to avoid any location conflicts. And then there's the values thing. I can't very well marry someone who's going to try to teach our kids that Akatsuki was a persecuted sect of misunderstood outcasts and that randomly biting people on the neck and giving them curse seals that will very likely kill them is a _good _thing. Yeah. So there are things like that to consider… And possibly the chemistry. I mean, if I'm going to be engaging in a whole heck of a lot of clan restoring (which I will be) with the same woman for _years_ on end (which I will also be doing), then I've got to _really_, shall we say, _appreciate all_ of her assets. I've got to want what I've got, if you get my drift. So, yeah. There's that, too. Hmmm… Sakura _does _have nice legs… And lips… And hips…I don't know why she has such image problems. Really, her body is Grade A a---_

"Sasuke-kun."

The Uchiha was pulled from yet another inner discussion by the sound of Sakura's irate voice clipping out his name in as far from the breathy tone he had been hearing in his head, as it could get. He could swear he heard a _hiss_ somewhere in there.

"Hn?"

Sakura gave an exasperated sigh, coupled with a full-on glare directed at her oh-so articulate companion.

Though Sasuke's words were honest and not meant to be derogatory, they _had _sounded that way, and they cut at Sakura like so many of his words before had.

But that was then and this was now. And she would. not. take. it. anymore. (_Shannaro!_)

"So, I can't help him, huh? All my talents are useless for anything but scraped knees, is that about it?" She took a bold step forward so she was not a foot from Sasuke, staring him down with every ounce of indignation she possessed. "Well, maybe I can't help _you_ with _your_…_issues_," Sasuke didn't like the way she stressed that word, "but I sure as heck can help other people with theirs! You may not find _me_---or someone like me---to be pleasurable company, but newsflash Sasuke-kun! You _aren't _everybody! Some people _do _appreciate me _and_ my company _and_ my talents, which, by the way, are every bit as formidable as yours! So you can stop projecting your personal _frustrations _about your unsatisfied inner wants and goals onto me, because I'm not bearing that weight anymore! Either _come out_ already and say it all, or keep it straight to yourself, but do not---_do not_ keep me tied up with your downward spiral! And if you want to contest my argument about my skill, I'm more than happy to acquiesce!" And with that, the kunoichi stormed off in the direction of the village, mild tremors echoing her forceful steps.

There was a dazed silence for a few moments following Sakura's departure. All four men were shocked by just how forceful the girl had been. Even more shocked that it was _Sasuke_ to whom she'd used those angry words.

Finding his train of thought, Sasuke murmured, "Did Sakura just call me out?"

"Yeah," Naruto answered hesitantly, looking off in the direction the pink-haired woman had made her grand exit. A foxy grin split his lips. "In more ways than one! Ha ha! Come out, come out, Sasuke-teme! Ha ha!"

Sasuke scowled and swiped at the blonde, but missed by a considerable margin, despite the lousy dodge on Naruto's part. His vengeful half just wasn't up for it today, at least not after that…that utter debacle.

"She couldn't have taken that in a more wrong way," Sasuke muttered to himself.

"Quite so," Kakashi said, having overheard, despite their distance. "_You_ are an epic screw up in the world of women, Sasuke."

"No kidding! I mean, could you have picked worse phrasing? I don't think so!" Naruto crowed, dodging five shuriken at the last minute.

Sasuke's vengeful side was being stirred by all the barbs being hurled his way. Like he didn't already know that his women-wooing prowess lacked any and all finesse. Oh, he was _very _aware of the fact, and _desperate_ to correct it. Hello?! He had gone to _Naruto_ for help. _Naruto_. The guy who, for the first seventeen years of his life, thought that Hinata's fainting spells were from a rare allergy she had to the orange dye in his ninja suits, and that Sakura actually _appreciated_ him giving her pointers on how to increase her bust size. Yeah. Desperate didn't really even _begin_ to cover just how utterly pathetic and hopeless Sasuke was.

Seeing how epically Sasuke had just managed to destroy his chances with Sakura, and thinking on the rather annoying and just plain sad behaviours of Naruto, Neji, and Lee, Kakashi was hit with possibly the only solution that could save the traumatized shinobi from a certain womanless fate.

"Gai," he spoke quietly to the Green Beast, ensuring the privacy of their words.

"Yes, Kakashi?"

"I have a plan. I believe it to be our students' only hope." He cast a calculating look at Sasuke and Naruto, the former brooding more deeply than was his usual, and the latter attempting to keep an eye on all potential hiding places, head jerking about like a chicken on crack. Kakashi sighed tiredly. "I just hope he can work miracles."

* * *

It was in a dark and seedy-looking hotel room that four young shinobi found themselves that very day. The dark, hardwood floor was littered with crumpled papers and drip marks from calligraphy brushes. A desk sat in one corner, looking every bit like the floor, except it had a few empty sake bottles and saucers peppered amid the paper debris. A few frayed wall hangings decorated the cracking walls, dust and cobwebs hanging from their cloth and bamboo surfaces in downy waves. The bed was rumpled and covered with moth-eaten sheets. It was quite obvious that the maid service was less than stellar at this particular establishment. But, that was what you got when you stayed at a place that offered hourly rates.

None of the four ninjas felt comfortable sitting down on any of the surfaces in the room. There were just too many questionable stains and when the dirty surfaces outnumbered the clean surfaces by at least ninety percent, it was just common sense to stay on your own two, thankfully still-sandaled, feet.

"Okay, either someone's going to come smashing through that door, wielding a chainsaw to dismember our bodies, or really tasteless music is going to start going, "Bow-Chika-Bow-Wow," and you're going to be overcome with the urge to find out if my lips are as soft as they look…by using your own," Naruto stage whispered to Sasuke, wrinkling his nose when he accidentally bumped into the bed.

Sasuke glowered and smacked the blonde hard on the back of the head, sending him sailing onto the bed, face down. "Keep your repressed sexual fantasies to yourself, dobe," he growled.

Naruto began squealing in disgust. "EEEEEWWWWW!!! OH!!! EWWWW! Gross! UGH! I touched it! Oh goodness! I think I just contracted something unpleasant! Ah! It burns!" He flailed about for a few moments, trying to edge his way to the floor by _hovering _his way to the edge of the bed.

Finally making it to the blessed floor, Naruto spun about to glare at his best friend. "What the heck was that for?! You probably just gave me herpes, you teme!"

"Okay. I _never_ want to hear you direct a phrase like _that_ at Sasuke ever again. I'm here to help you with your women phobia, _not_ counsel you through a sexual identity crisis. That is not my specialty. _My_ specialty it how to get the ladies!"

A surprised and mildly excited expression took over Naruto's face as all four of the waiting shinobi turned to face the man who would be their saviour.

"Ero-sennin?! _You're_ who Kakashi-sensei was talking about?!"

The Toad Sannin struck a pose, standing proud. "That's right, Naruto! I, the Great and Beautiful Jiraiya, who has ladies falling at his feet wherever he goes, and knows the way into even the coldest of women's hearts, shall guide you four troubled boys back to the waiting bosom of the land of women!

Naruto frowned, obviously confused. "But we're looking for help with our fear of women, Ero-sennin, not for pointers on where to get the best hookers. What good are you going to be?"

Jiraiya's "charming" smile froze and he eyed Naruto with a dead gaze. "You really have no idea what it is that I really do, Naruto. _I_ am the greatest ladies man to come from Fire Country! You've heard of Casanova, Romeo, Don Juan? They're all hacks compared to the immense wooing prowess _I_ possess! There isn't a woman who can resist my charms once I've set my sights on her!" He puffed up his chest, looking as proud and full of himself as ever.

Naruto scrunched up his face and shook his head. "But you get clobbered all the time by women when you hit on them! Tsunade-baa-chan threatened to castrate you with a rusty spoon, the last time you asked her out. The only women who don't get violent when you approach them are the ones you pay!"

"Okay, Naruto," Jiraiya began slowly, pressing his hands together before his lips, looking thoughtful. "There is a saying Sarutobi-sama taught me, and I taught to Yondaime-sama, and now I'm going to teach it to you. That saying is: 'Shut the hell up, you little retard, or I swear on all that is holy, I will _beat_ the stupid out of you.' You got that?"

"Not really…" Naruto muttered, honestly confused.

"He means, he wants you to shut up, dobe," Sasuke grunted, rolling his eyes.

"Don't tell me to shut up, Sasuke-teme!"

"Naruto, just shut up," Neji murmured, his brow jumping with various tics.

"Hey! Not you too, Neji! I will _not_ be silenced!"

"Naruto-kun! Just _shut up_! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" Lee screamed, wide eyes seeming to pop out of his skull in his ardent plea. He then turned back to the corner he had been hiding in since they had entered the room, mumbling something along the lines of, "The spandex will protect me… …not allowed to touch me where the spandex covers…. I'm safe in my GSJ… I'm safe in my GSJ…"

Jiraiya gaped at the young Green Beast. The other three males ignored their companion's outburst; they had already experienced his amplified oddities enough times to be accustomed to them.

"So," Naruto began, completely forgetting the avid demands of the other men, that he keep his mouth shut. "What _are_ you going to do, Ero-sennin? What're you going to do with us?"

Jiraiya looked over the four damaged nins before him, an unsettling smile twisting his lips. "I'm going to breakdown and rebuild your little minds into perfect replicas of yours truly's!"

"You're going to try to turn us into epic perverts?" Sasuke deadpanned. "Forgive me if I choose to pass on that."

"Now, now Sasuke," Jiraiya placated, wagging a finger at the Uchiha. "You say that _now_, but I _know_ that somewhere in that stoic and asexual mind of yours, there's a ladies man waiting to be unleashed!" He flashed a winsome smile at the glaring teen.

"Pfft. I think not," Sasuke muttered, heading for the door. There was _no way_ he was enduring training to turn himself into a pervert. Drooling over every girl that walks by was not something he was looking to be taking up. Sweet goodness! Do you know how many women he would be jumping at? The fan-girls were everywhere! If he became a perv like Jiraiya intended, Sasuke would _never_ get past his front door before he was making lewd suggestions to a handful of his stalkers, and they _so_ did not need that sort of encouragement from him. No sir.

"Alright then, Sasuke," Jiraiya called after him, voice falsely acquiescent. The white-head looked at the tattered curtain on the far wall, nonchalance in his every gesture. Far too obvious, but that was the point. "I suppose you could always just _pretend_ you have a hot wife and a bunch of little Uchihas running around, while you sit _alone_ in your cold and empty house. Your house that will never feel like a _home_ because the pitter-patter of little feet and the scent of a beautiful woman that fill it in your mind are but imagined phantoms that will never come to life, all because you couldn't bring yourself to take a chance on the questionable methods and logic of an old man. An old man, who offered you the world, only for you to cast it to the dirty floor without a second thought. An old man, who will just devote the time he would have spent training you in the ways of wooing women, to train that poor soul, Lee, over there, which proves to be just what the unfortunate guy needed to win him the heart of the ever-beautiful Haruno Sakura, making her perfectly inaccessible to you, even if you _did_ someday grow a pair big enough to enable you to approach a woman of her exquisite calibre." Jiraiya sighed, forcing his smirk down when he felt the rage simmering just below the surface of Sasuke's carefully motionless form. "What a shame," he continued, wanting to goad the Uchiha to the breaking point. "With her skills, I'm sure her addition to your gene pool would have resulted in very talented, not to mention good-looking, children. And with a body like that," Jiraiya let out a whistle, "she would probably be _great_ in---"

"Do _not_ finish that sentence. It's far too disturbing for me to stomach; you're almost forty years older than her," Sasuke growled, eyes narrowed and dangerously close to a spinning red. "You shouldn't be checking her out."

Jiraiya smiled, unashamed. "Ah, but some women love an older, more _experienced_ man, Sasuke. And how can I but look and appreciate the beauty that she possesses? Old or not, I'm still a man!" He let out a dirty chuckle. "With the way she's been taking after Tsunade, I won't be surprised if she develops a big---"

"Ero-sennin! Follow your own advice and shut up!" Naruto screamed, clapping his hands over his ears. "I don't want to hear you talk about Sakura-chan like that! The teme's right; you can't look at her like that! It's just wrong!"

"Oh, come on! This is _me_ we're talking about here!" Jiraiya moaned. "This is what I do!"

"Jiraiya-sama, I must agree with Naruto and Sasuke on this one and insist that you refrain from making further comments regarding Haruno-san. It is most…disturbing," Neji calmly spoke.

The Toad Sannin sputtered and looked deploringly between three of his four new charges.

With an indignant huff, he straightened and levelled them all with a no-nonsense look. "We haven't even started yet, and I've already almost lost one student and had three of you oppose me." He eyed them up carefully, narrowing his gaze on Neji, the first one on his left.

"Hyuuga Neji," he called out gruffly, prompting the young man to straighten his already ramrod posture by a fraction.

"Yes, Jiraiya-sama?"

The older man leaned in close, face inches from the pale shinobi's, as he stared intently into his face and said, "Do you _fear_ women, Neji?"

The Hyuuga _wanted _to gruffly retort with a negative, but a recollection of leaping and skittering every time Tenten had whipped out her weapons during training that day, prompted him to mutter a reluctant, "Yes… I do."

"You do what?"

"I fear women," Neji choked out, irritation seeping through, at being expected to repeat it.

"And are you ready to learn the ways of the Gallant Jiraiya, so that you may overcome that pathetic fear?"

Neji took a deep breath, and with a determined nod, answered, "Yes. I am ready. Please teach me your ways, Jiraiya-sama."

The old man smiled widely and moved one step to his right, staring down Naruto as he had done to Neji. "Naruto," he began gruffly. "Do you fear women?"

The blonde nodded vigorously, blue eyes widened to saucers as horror-filled memories came unbidden before his mind's eye. "Yes, Ero-sennin! I'm terrified of them! All of them! Please help me! Help me! HELP MEEEEE!!!" Naruto then latched onto the man before him, a death grip of a hug choking the air out of Jiraiya, as the jinchuuriki began sobbing about his ordeal.

"Na-Naruto!" Jiraiya shouted, clawing at the boy who had just adhered himself to the Sannin's neck. "Get off of me! For crying out loud! Would you stop being such a pansy for five minutes! Geez!"

Naruto found himself flying through the air and landing on the floor on the other side of the bed, after Jiraiya finally managed to pry the blonde's desperately clinging fingers from around his neck. A low "Ow" emitted from the landing spot, but otherwise there was silence.

Straightening himself, Jiraiya huffed and set his "handsome" mane back in order. He then turned his attention on his final student---excluding Lee, because, really, Jiraiya didn't expect to get much of a reaction out of the guy, except for maybe some incoherent mumbling; that one was going to require extra special attention, which these three would not.

Stony faced and just a little challenging, Jiraiya stared down the Uchiha and repeated the same question: "Do you fear women, Sasuke? Are you prepared to learn the ways of the Gallant Jiraiya?"

Sasuke's entire form seemed to have one quick convulsion, before resuming his motionless stance. Very faintly, Jiraiya could swear he heard the sound of a grist mill emitting from the other man's mouth, coinciding with his twitching jaw. With his dark scowl in place, Sasuke muttered, "Hn."

"Good enough!" Jiraiya said, straightening and flashing a pleased smile.

"Now then," he spoke excitedly. "The first lesson starts now!"

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Okay, so I had originally said that this would only last three chapters, but once my inspiration hit, it sort of overflowed. I couldn't fit it all into this chapter (really, I barely got anything into this chapter; consider this one filler) but I'm pretty sure this thing will be wrapped up within the next update. And that one will not take as long to come out as this one did. I already have most of it mapped and whatnot. You won't be waiting over two months like you did for this one, so no worries! If people are not up-to-date on the manga, stop reading here: Consider this my tribute to the Gallant Jiraiya. His spirit will live on forever in our hearts! In our heavy, _heavy_ hearts… OH JIRAIYA!!! Why did you have to die?!?!?! (sigh) The manga will never be the same.


	4. The Way of the Gallant Jiraiya

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated my some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Guttersnipe's Foreword:** I apologize in advance to Rock Lee. I love him to death. Really, I do. Actually, I apologize to Naruto, Neji, and Sasuke, too. I'm a terrible person.

**Chapter 4: The Way of the Gallant Jiraiya**

"Well, little boys. Here is where your first lesson will be held." Jiraiya spread his arms in an all-encompassing manner, gesturing to a large clump of shrubs in the midst of a heavily wooded forest.

"Ero-sennin," Naruto began slowly, as he frowned at the foliage before him. "It's a bush."

"Yes, Naruto," the older man drawled. "_Thank you_ for informing the two prodigies, nature boy, and your teacher that this is, in fact, a bush."

"Well, I don't see how this is gonna help us with our fear of women, dattebayo."

Jiraiya gave a long-suffering sigh. "Think beyond the shrubbery, Naruto. Think," an animal glint lit his eyes, "to the _river_ beyond the shrubbery."

Neji scowled, crossing his arms, and closed his eyes in a frown. "You mean the _girls_, in the river, beyond the shrubbery," he sniffed, clearly not impressed, and ignoring Lee's whimper at the mention of that taboo word: _girls_.

"I was wondering when you would notice them!" Jiraiya chuckled. "Lovely, aren't they? That brunette, especially." He let out a low whistle.

"Hey, hey, Ero-sennin," Naruto whined, watching the foliage in confusion. "How do you know there's a brunette back there, or even anyone? I can't see anything but leaves, and I can't hear anything, either, dattebayo." He hopped about, gunning for a view of his hidden enemy. He was feeling _very _vulnerable!

Jiraiya stood proud, with eyes closed and arms akimbo. "A true voyeur just _knows_ these things, Naruto. It's like a sixth sense."

"Oh yeah?" The blonde turned a sceptical eye on his mentor. "What colour bathing suit is this _brunette_ wearing, then?"

Not missing a beat, the Toad Sannin answered, "Purple, with black accents."

Whirling on Neji, Naruto said, "What's she wearing, dattebayo? Is there even a brunette there?"

"There is indeed a female who appears to be a brunette," the Hyuuga answered, vein-framed eyes narrowed in concentration.

"And?" Naruto prompted, anxious for his companion to refute his sensei's claims, so he could discredit this entire course of "healing."

"And what?"

"Is she wearing purple?! She's not, is she? I knew it, dattebayo! You suck, Ero-sennin!" Naruto shouted, jabbing an accusing finger at the white-haired man.

Jiraiya merely continued leaning against the tree next to him, eyes closed and lips set in a small, knowing smile.

Neji sighed. "You do know that I only see in black and white, through Byakugan, right? I don't know what colour she's wearing."

"Well, could it pass for yellow?"

"Purple," Jiraiya corrected.

"Purple?" Naruto amended, forcibly non-self-conscious.

Neji quirked his brow, calculating. "I suppose it could be a dark purple."

"See?" Jiraiya flashed a winsome smile at his blonde student. "Innate women senses," he spoke, tapping his temple with two fingers.

"It could be dark blue," Neji continued, his forehead furrowed in indecision. "Maybe a green."

"Well, which is it, then, dattebayo?" Naruto grumbled, dead-set on his sensei being wrong, thus refuting any and all claims the man may have about his teaching strategy. Then he could just go home and hide under his covers, forever cowering at the thought of his sweet and timid Hinata-chan – who would stick by him through it all, despite his inability to so much as hold her hand, and his assurance that she should find someone who could make her happy and wasn't damaged like he was – when she would come to bring him food so he wouldn't starve to death due to the fact that he couldn't bring himself to go out into the real world to buy food, for fear that he be exposed to the presence of women. Women who might "accidentally" brush against his still-untouched body. Women who might decide to make him live for real, the scarring experience he had really only experienced vicariously. Yes; he could survive like that. He would have to make a few changes to his daily routine…alter a few life goals… Could a women-phobic man who keeps holed-up in his bedroom, under his blankets, under his bed, clutching a toad plushie, blocking off the opening with a fortification of instant ramen cups, and cries himself to sleep become Hokage?

Neji huffed, annoyed at the other male's inability to grasp the concept that his Byakugan was freaking _colour blind_, wholly and completely. "I don't _know_ which it is," he grit out, enunciating as clearly as possible.

The jinchuuriki didn't look too satisfied by that. "Well, what was the point of you trying to figure out the colour if you're colour blind, dattebayo?! Talk about a waste of time," he grumbled.

A violent spasm shook the Hyuuga male's face. "_You_ were the one who asked. I _told_ you that I could not perceive colour; you _insisted_ that I choose what it could be, so I told you what I thought."

"Okay, Neji," Naruto sniffed, waving a dismissive hand. "Shirk responsibility, just like you used to, those years ago, dattebayo. Except this time, "Fate" has been replaced with "Naruto." Go ahead; backslide to your old ways. And after I worked so hard, wracking my brain to come up with a speech to wake you up from your faulty life view, dattebayo." He sighed deeply, shaking his head with closed eyes. "Why do I even try anymore?"

"Naruto," Sasuke said, before Neji could retort. He had a borderline sneer on his face as he spoke, "Your speeches are quite…feminine."

The blonde's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull. "_What?!_"

"Always yakking about the power of friendship and your _feelings_." He sighed. "I swear, if I have to hear you talk about _bonds_ on more time, I'm going to get some material ones and hang you from a tree by your toes with them."

Neji smirked.

"Hey!" Naruto fisted his hands at his sides, glaring at the Uchiha. "I just say what I think and feel! I don't like to keep it all inside, dattebayo! I prefer to emote! _Emote_, I say!"

"Girl," Neji mumbled under his breath.

"NO! Not "girl"! Naruto, dattebayo! All male!" the blonde shouted, gesturing demonstratively at his body.

"_Effeminate_ male, maybe," Sasuke murmured.

"No! _Manly_ male! I am a manly man, dattebayo!" Naruto sputtered for a few moments and cast fiery eyes on his best friend. "I am a fine piece of man meat, teme, dattebayo! You're like a _drumstick_ compared to me!" He shook an angry finger in Sasuke's face.

"Pfft. And how do you explain your apparent enjoyment of using Henge no Jutsu to turn into a female?" Sasuke asked, eyebrow quirked.

"I-… Peh!" Naruto shot back. He frowned and shook his head vigorously. "That's for my shinobi work, dattebayo! It's part of ninja-ing!"

"_I've_ never turned into a female for such purposes," Neji sniffed. "And I've never seen anyone else do so, either."

"And I've never seen you use it on an actual mission, either," Sasuke added, watching Naruto with condescension. "One would have to assume that you just do it for your own enjoyment, which is just another mark against you as evidence that you are effeminate."

"No, no, no, dattebayo!" Naruto cried, pulling at his hair and fidgeting in despair. "I can't be girlish! I just can't be!" he wailed. Then a thought seemed to go "ding!" in the blonde's mind, as he asked, "Hey, teme? You think that when I henge into a girl, I'm putting myself at risk of being _molested_ by…me?"

"I think you're looking for a different "m" word, in that scenario," Sasuke muttered.

"Huh?" Naruto grunted, not following. Then the blonde's unfathomable mind took his inane theory one step farther, as his eyes widened in near-panic alarm. "And what about my Harem no Jutsu, dattebayo? Does that put me at risk of being…_gang-molested_ by me?!" He squeaked out the last part.

Sasuke turned mildly incredulous eyes on his companion. As bluntly as could be, he said, "_No_, you retard. That wouldn't put you at risk for anything but other idiot males, like yourself, trying to molest you, which, and I don't know if you've ever thought seriously about it, and I _doubt_ that you have, but, it means that you'll have other _men_ feeling you up and having disturbing ideas about you."

"Oh my!" Naruto shrieked. "I never thought of it like that, dattebayo… Now I have to worry about _guys _coming after my innocence too?!"

"Welcome to my world," Sasuke grumbled under his breath, repressing a shiver.

"Okay, you little morons," Jiraiya called, gaining his feuding students' attention. "I would like to get through the first lesson before today's specimens of study run off to their homes."

Three of the younger males scowled at their teacher's plans, while the fourth remained just as he was, cowering behind a rock, beneath some thick foliage, hugging himself into a ball, as he rocked back and forth, singing, "GSJ, GSJ / Keep me safe from girls at play / Your spandex goodness wrapped around me / You're never coming off, even if I have to pee."

Jiraiya continued to ignore the angry glares and very sad mumblings of his students. He had a job to do, and by Jiminy, he was going to do it! The not-yet conceived future generation of Konoha shinobi depended on it!

"Now, what you're going to do," the Sannin began slowly, "is simply _observe_ the targets, taking care that they do not notice your presence. Considering that you are ninja, that shouldn't be too difficult."

"We're just supposed to watch them?" Sasuke asked, looking sceptical.

"Yes! Not a big deal, right?! I'm easing you brats into this slowly."

"How will spying on a group of girls help us?" Neji deadpanned, clearly as unimpressed as his Uchiha companion.

Jiraiya sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "This is an exercise in growing accustomed to the sight of women. Right now, you all shake in your sandals at just the _thought_ of being near a chick! So, what we've got to do is get you all used to the sight and presence of the ladies. And I don't know a better way to introduce you to that than through this task."

"Peeping on girls?" Neji grumbled.

"Not "peeping," Neji! Let's call it…an "_observational_ study of the female being in its natural environment.""

"Yes, as I said; peeping."

The Sannin sighed again. "I think you're missing the point…"

"I think you're trying to gloss over the point, Jiraiya-sama," the Hyuuga insisted.

Jiraiya snorted. With a serious eye on Neji, he said, "Are you telling me that you have _never_ spied on a girl before? Ever?"

The prodigy huffed. "Of course not!"

"With the gift you possess, and you're trying to tell me that you've never once used it to check out the ladies?!"

Neji looked absolutely scandalized. With a shocked face and matching voice, he answered, "I would never! It's not for that! Byakugan is a shinobi tool, not some toy for perverted endeavours!"

"I don't believe it!" Jiraiya responded, shaking his head. "What, have you not hit puberty yet, or are you just so into yourself that you don't have a need to look elsewhere?!"

"Excuse me?!" Neji shouted. He could feel his face reddening by the second. Curse his pale complexion; blushes showed up immediately, even the barest hint. "Just because I'm not a pervert doesn't mean there's something wrong with me!"

"That line of reasoning right there tells me that there is! I don't believe for one second that you've never used your doujutsu to get a peep show! Not one second!"

"You're insane!"

"Hey!" Naruto interrupted, eyeing Neji with a calculating look. "Now that I think about it, Tenten-chan had been complaining about you being inappropriate, when we were at Ichiraku, a couple days ago, dattebayo."

"She was saying that in retaliation to my accusations of her being improper with me," Neji huffed. "None of it was true."

"A likely story!" Jiraiya shouted, appearing pompous as he looked down on his defensive student.

"Yeah!" Naruto said, stepping in close to the Hyuuga and studying his scowling features for the subterfuge he was now _certain_ lay beneath. "You've probably been checking her out every time you two have trained together, dattebayo! No wonder you train almost exclusively with her! You hentai!"

"That's _not _the reason, you idiot! It's Gai and Lee! Neither of us can keep up with their ridiculous training regimens, so we train together! Nothing more!"

"I'll never believe you! You lied about something as trivial as being able to see the colour of a girl's swimsuit, so why would I believe you about something like this, dattebayo?!"

"I didn't lie about that! We've been over this!"

"Why can't you just fess up, dattebayo?!"

"Why are _you_ such an idiot?!"

"Why do _you_ care, dattebayo?!"

"Why are you not denying the validity of my question?!"

"Why are you using such big words, dattebayo?!"

"Why don't you understand them?!"

"Why _would_ I, dattebayo?!"

"Why _wouldn't_ you?!"

"Why is this even a question, dattebayo?!"

"Why can't you answer it?!"

"Why are we even fighting, dattebayo?!"

"…Why, indeed."

Naruto seemed to be thinking intently on that last line from Neji. With an air of falsified understanding, he muttered, "…Touché."

Neji just watched the blonde with narrowed eyes and a shaking head. _Idiot._

In his position, half-buried in the shrubbery separating the males from the river, Jiraiya had gone stock-still. A quiet rage seemed to be leaking out of the older man, which Sasuke had noticed about halfway through Neji and Naruto's argument. The aforementioned at-odds shinobi had not noticed due to their heated disagreement, but it was obvious that the Toad Sannin was _not_ pleased.

Ever so slowly, his white head retracted from the green den it had been lost in. With the mechanical movements of a poorly controlled puppet, Jiraiya turned toward his reluctant protégés. A plastic mask seemed to have replaced the man's face, as not so much as a tic showed in the blank façade that presented itself. His eyes were glassy; dead, by all appearances. But the aura emanating from him could never come from a dead man. Not a chance.

"You morons," he spoke in a low, raspy voice, almost too quiet to hear over the sudden rustle of leaves in a stray wind.

"Ero…sennin?" Naruto said hesitantly. He had never seen his sensei in such a deadly mode.

"You… You…" Jiraiya rasped, eyes cast in shadow as he fisted his hands at his sides. Then in one swift move, he cracked both Naruto and Neji over the head as he shouted, "YOU SCARED THE GIRLS AWAY, YOU IDIOTS!! They ran off when they heard your inane argument!! Now how are you supposed to do your lesson, huh?! You think fine tail like that, so openly displayed, is easy to find around here? Well, it's not! It takes a lot of luck and good timing to get prime peeping privileges like that!" Jiraiya slumped, losing half a foot of his height. He rubbed his temples and muttered, "You're all hopeless. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to this."

"Bu-but, Ero-sennin," Naruto whimpered, cradling his battered noggin. "We need you to help us, dattebayo! Kakashi-sensei said that you were the only one who could, and that if we didn't get through this training, we'd probably all "die alone and unsullied." Whatever that means, dattebayo."

"It means you'll have to kiss marrying your precious Hinata-chan goodbye, and watch her live forever with some other guy, 'cause you didn't have the balls to stay alone in the same room as her for more than a minute," Jiraiya muttered, still seething over the loss of his entertainment–or, that is, the loss of his teaching material. Yes. "It means there will never be any more Uchiha than there are right now, because Sasuke over here," he thumbed at the ex-avenger, "is never going to get a woman to date him, let alone marry him and bear the eleven-hundred children that he's no doubt been planning on."

"It's only twelve," Sasuke muttered under his breath.

"It means the Genius of Geniuses is never going to pass on that talent to any new generation, and therefore will never establish a tradition of Branch House members showing up Main House members. It means that freaky kid, Lee will never have a girlfriend, get married, and have mini-spandex wearing freaks of his own." He paused, thinking for a moment. "That may be a _plus_ for the village. But right now, his psyche is just a liability. All of you are. You can't be spazzing out during a mission just because a girl walked into the room. How the hell will you gather intel if you can't work your charm on a woman for information? You won't be able to! We're not just talking about your personal lives, here, boys. This is about your careers as shinobi. If you don't smarten up, this is the end of the line."

"Well, what do you propose we do, then?" Neji asked, grimacing as he pulled a twig out of his otherwise immaculate hair. That wallop from Jiraiya had sent him flying into a thicket, yet he had somehow come out looking as though nothing had happened, save that one bothersome twig that was throwing off his otherwise flawless look. Such blasphemy! His hair was not to be touched! Ever!

The white-haired man leaned back against a tree, deep in thought. Then his eyes snapped smartly on the three young ninja before him. "You will conduct your "observational study" on the women in your lives. Naruto, you will observe Hinata, since she's the one you really need to get accustomed to being around again."

The blonde nodded hesitantly, the thought of getting close to Hinata again sending shivers through his spine.

"Sasuke, you will observe Sakura, since she's the one you've been trying to get with and have been failing _miserably_ at doing so."

The Uchiha scowled at the insult to his techniques, though he had to admit, if only internally, that "miserably" was quite an apt way to put it.

"Neji, you will observe your female team-mate. What's her name?"

"Tenten."

"Right, you will observe Tenten, but I also want Lee to go with you." Jiraiya cast a pitying look at the ball of green spandex, partially hidden behind a rock. "He's too fragile to send off on his own right now, and he needs to be observing a woman who he is familiar with and used to be totally at ease with, which I assume would be this Tintin."

"It's _Tenten_," Neji muttered.

"Whatever," Jiraiya sniffed. "Now, if you don't have any further questions, I'll be going…"

"But–Wait!" Naruto whined, leaping in front of the older man, waving his arms about like the lunatic that he was. "Aren't you going to give us some pointers? I mean, how do we…_observe_ them?"

"You're ninja!" Jiraiya grumbled. "Observe them as you would an enemy, just _without_ the underlying intent to kill."

And before Naruto could ask another question and further delay his next failed attempt at spying on Tsunade, the Toad Sannin disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Observe them like we're spying on the enemy," Naruto repeated, frowning at the ground. Then his eyes lit up and he smacked a fist into his palm while flashing a bright grin at his three companions. "That's it! Of course, that's how we're supposed to do this! I mean, they _are_ the enemy, after all! It's all making sense now."

"But you must remember, Naruto," Neji deeply intoned, "that we must control our fear while observing them, otherwise this lesson will not work and will likely fail horribly, at that."

"Tch. You're all pathetic, you know that?"

Naruto and Neji turned their heads toward the source of their current suffering, watching him with narrowed eyes. In turn, Sasuke just stood there, with hands in his pockets and an air of nonchalance about him.

"What did you say, teme?!" Naruto screeched, readying his fist to shake _menacingly_ at his rival.

"I said you're all pathetic. You're ready to pee yourselves over the thought of being near girls. Girls you're already familiar with." He shifted his stance, watching the other two arrogantly. "It's embarrassing to be lumped in with the likes of you."

Both Neji and Naruto were scowling darkly at the Uchiha, not at all amused by his claims of superiority.

"And you aren't pathetic, with how you fear the girls?" Neji asked, eyes skewed in scepticism and not a little condescension of his own.

"For the last time, I am _not_ afraid of women!" Sasuke snapped, huffing angrily at the repeated accusation. "I don't _do_ fear."

"Yeah, right. You're the most scared one out of us, dattebayo!" Naruto shouted.

"No, I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!" Naruto shook a damning finger in Sasuke's face. "You're the one who has the entirety of the abuse that traumatized _us_ in your mind, dattebayo! Ipso facto, you're the most scarred and therefore, the most _scared_!"

"I'm not scared," the Uchiha growled.

"It's okay, Sasuke," Naruto continued, giving his friend a sympathetic look, voice soothing. "You can admit it to us, dattebayo. You're just a scared little boy. A scared little boy, all alone in this messed up world." He sniffed quietly. "You need a hug, don't you, dattebayo?" And he made to do just that.

Sasuke's eyes widened in terror. "Get away from me, usuratonkachi!" he shouted (more like screamed), as he pushed and kicked at the advancing jinchuuriki in an effort to keep him back.

Naruto landed on the forest floor with a grunt. "You keep pushing people away, you'll always be scared and alone, Sasuke!"

"I'm not scared!" He paused and then added, "And that attempted hug, right there? _Girly_."

Naruto "pshawed," with a wave of his hand, hauling himself to his feet. "Fuzzy-eyebrows and Super-eyebrows hug all the time, and look at them, dattebayo."

"Yes, _look at them_," Neji grumbled. "And you want to use _them _as your defence of being emotive? Hardly the smart course, Naruto."

"That's because he's _Naruto_," Sasuke said to Neji, watching the blonde with a skittish gaze. There was no telling when the loudmouth might strike next.

"Right."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, having not heard the insult just made to him. He hopped over to Lee's hiding place and dragged the nearly comatose man over to the others. "Fuzzy-eyebrows," the blonde called, shaking Lee with as much gentleness as he would show a vicious enemy.

The taijutsu expert whimpered pitifully, and began thrashing about, the occasional shriek of terror escaping his mouth.

"THE GSJ WILL PROTECT ME WITH ITS YOUTHFUL POWERS!! I'M SAFE IN MY GSJ!! THE GSJ IS MY SAVIOUR!!" Lee screamed, as Naruto continued to attempt to gain his full attention.

"Fuzzy-eyebrows! It's just me! Naruto! It's Naruto, dattebayo."

Somewhere through the haze of his poor, damaged psyche, Lee heard the calls of his friend and realized that he was not being attacked by rabid fan-girls. His round eyes opened wide, clarity setting into them for the first time since his exposure to the horrors of Sasuke's childhood experience.

"N-Na-Na…ruto-kun?" he asked hesitantly, voice muted and so unlike Lee that the blonde had to take a moment to reassure himself of the identity of the cowering man before him.

"Hey, Fuzzy-eyebrows," Naruto greeted, his voice hushed, so as not to frighten the fragile Green Beast.

"Naruto-kun," Lee breathed, relief evident in his slowly relaxing features. "I thought… I thought…"

"I know. It's okay, now. The fan-girls aren't here, dattebayo," Naruto assured him. "I actually need you to help me with something."

"'Something'?" A rising panic seemed to seep into Lee's voice, as his breathing began coming in short, huffing bursts.

"It's completely unrelated to girls! Don't worry, dattebayo!"

"O-okay."

Naruto flashed a deceptive grin at Sasuke, who in turn, scowled as deeply as possible.

"You see," Naruto began slowly, using a soft voice meant to soothe and persuade the other male into whatever twisted plot the blonde had cooked up. "Sasuke over here is feeling very afraid, too, right now, dattebayo."

Said man just snorted and turned away in defiance.

"He's frightened and alone. So very alone…" Naruto trailed off, purposely watching Sasuke with a forlorn expression, drawing Lee into his sad tale with each sentence. Looking back at Lee with a meaningful gaze, he said, "And what do _manly _men do when their friends are scared and lonely, dattebayo?"

A dull flicker of the Flame of Youth seemed to spark in the Rock's eyes. "Why, Naruto-kun. Manly men would--" he stopped abruptly, catching the conspiratorial glint in his companion's eye. "Ah. I see, Naruto-kun. I know what you are asking me to do."

The blonde just nodded and stepped back, gesturing for the green-clad man to make his move.

In the next moment, Sasuke found himself in a position that would haunt his dreams just as fervently as the fan-girls did.

Someone was hugging him.

Another _man_ was hugging him.

Rock Lee, a man, was hugging Uchiha Sasuke, another man.

And Lee had very strong arms.

Sasuke's eyes were bugging out of his face, as Lee sniffled next to his ear, "You don't have to be scared and alone, Sasuke-kun. We, your friends, are here for you, always and forever! Our Power of Youth shall help yours to blaze brightly once again!"

"Get. … … Away. … … From. … Me. Now," Sasuke hissed, teeth grinding in his mouth.

"That's just the pain talking, Sasuke-kun," Lee answered, shaking his head, eyes closed and crying, hug never lessening in intensity. "Let it out, now. Just let it out."

Both Naruto and Neji were stifling their laughter as they enjoyed the Uchiha's abject discomfort.

"Let. … Go. … Of. Me. … Right. Now."

When the hug did not relent, Sasuke realized that he would have to snap his body out of its shocked lockdown and somehow force the other shinobi to let go. His struggle proved fruitless, for, despite his rather violent jabs and kicks at Lee, the other ninja just would not let go!

By this time, Naruto was rolling on the ground, laughing his heart out, and Neji was hiding his chuckling figure behind a tree.

With narrowed eyes, blazing red in anger, Sasuke spat, "Get over here and drag this freak off of me!"

Despite his immobilizing laughter, Naruto still managed to shake his head in denial and look triumphantly back at his tortured friend.

With a sadistic glint in his gifted eyes, Sasuke turned his head ever so slightly toward the far too close man and spoke lowly, "Lee."

The addressed shinobi snapped his head up and opened his teary eyes, only to be met with the deadly red of Sharingan. In only a few seconds, the taijutsu user was doubly scarred, experiencing a new wave of fan-girl abuse via Sasuke's doujutsu.

"_AHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHH!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!_" was the shrill reaction from the newly re-abused man, as Lee leapt back ten feet and fled, screaming his head off.

"Teme! What the heck did you do to Fuzzy-eyebrows, dattebayo?!" Naruto shouted, picking himself up off the ground, his laughing fit interrupted by Lee's violent escape.

"What do you _think_ I did, usuratonkachi?" Sasuke sniffed.

"What the heck is wrong with you?! Why would you do something like that to him again, dattebayo?!"

Sasuke quirked his brow, as he replied, "Dobe, you should know me well enough by now to have figured that I would react like that when you sicced him on me."

"I… I guess," Naruto mumbled, staring at the mossy ground. "I should have seen that coming. Wow. Now I feel kind of bad, dattebayo. I wasn't thinking of that when I sent him over to you."

"Let this be a lesson for you to think ahead, Naruto," Neji said, his monotone once again in place, as he stepped around the tree he had been snickering behind.

"You're forgetting again, that you're talking to Naruto," Sasuke sighed.

"Right," Neji ceded. "Pretend I didn't say anything."

"Huh?" Naruto grunted, looking back and forth between the other males, once again oblivious.

* * *

_Okay! I can do this, dattebayo! It's just Hinata-chan, after all. She loves me! She wouldn't hurt me! So, there's no reason for me to be afraid of her. She won't even know I'm here, what with my crazy-awesome ninja skillz, fo' sho!_

_Huh. Who would have thought… She likes _Mission Impossible_. She always struck me as a _Bond_ girl. So much I have to learn about her…_

_What's this? She mutes it and does the theme music herself?!_

_O…kay… Actually…she's pretty good at that! I wonder if she can do the theme music for _Bond_, too. I'll have to ask her._

_Oh…don't leave the room! I'll have to leave my comfy perch in this tree…outside your bedroom window…where I watch you…but you don't know I watch you… Wow. Do I sound like a stalker, or what?_

_What the heck is Ero-sennin trying to do to me? I should just leave. This… This just doesn't feel right._

"N-Naruto-kun? What a-are y-you doing up there?"

"_AAAAHHHHHHH!!_"

"Naruto-kun! It's just me!"

"_NOOOOO!!_ _I was using my mad ninja-ing skillz! How did you find me?!_"

"I-I can see through walls, Naruto-kun."

"… … … … … I see."

"Naruto-kun?"

"This was _clearly_ a set-up! He did this to me on purpose! Oh, I bet he's just laughing it up from whatever hiding place he picked out to spy on me and the impending attack I was about to endure from a _female_! YOU'RE _EVIL_, ERO-SENNIN! YOU HEAR THAT? PURE EVIL!! AND JUST FOR THE RECORD, YOUR BOOKS SUCK! THEY DON'T MAKE _ANY _SENSE! THEY'RE FULL OF DISCONTINUITY AND THEY LACK PROPER DICTION! YEAH! I SAID IT! EVERYONE WAS THINKING IT, BUT _I_ SAID IT!"

The blonde fell silent, taking in gulping breaths, eyeing the surroundings with a demon glare.

Hinata, ever the pacifist, just watched her boyfriend with wide, concerned eyes. Naruto was odd at the best of times, which was something she rather liked about the guy, but his current behaviour was a little disconcerting, even for one as accepting as her.

"Well, I guess I should go, since I just _failed_ my assignment," Naruto half-mumbled to himself. "It's like the academy all over again."

"B-But, what were y-you doing, Naruto-kun?"

"Eh, heh heh!" the blonde chuckled nervously, running a hand through the hair on the back of his head. "It wasn't anything _weird_, Hinata-chan, dattebayo! I was just… Well, not _spying_ on you, but… And you know, _peeping_ suggests something that so totally wasn't part of my activities… I was…simply _observing _you."

"W-Why?"

"_Why?!_ Uhhh… Well… I-I…missed you! Yeah! That's it, dattebayo! I _missed_ you and I wanted to see you, so I put war paint on my face, donned camouflage, carefully masked my chakra, snuck onto your property, climbed up into a tree, and concealed my presence with tree branches, _just_ so I could see you! And now I _have_ seen you and I even got a bonus out of it by getting to _talk_ to you yet, so…I'm going to go now!"

He spun around and made to zoom his nervously perspiring and lying butt the heck out of there. Alas, a fast and trouble-free escape was not to be had!

"H-H-H-Hyuuga-sama!" Naruto squeaked, finding himself facing Hinata's father. "Hey there! How's it going? Going good?! Oh, that's nice. Well, this was fun, catching up and all! Let's do it again sometime! I gotta run!"

"Naruto-san."

"Yes sir?"

Hiashi watched Naruto with deceptively calm eyes as he spoke, "I was just taking tea in the courtyard, enjoying my early afternoon, thinking how pleased I was with the newest zoning mandates Tsunade-sama approved, allowing me to keep that hedge along the fence line that my neighbour was adamant about me removing. I'm very glad that I won't have to have it taken out, otherwise I would be forced to look at that landscaping tragedy he calls a lawn, rather than the pristine foliage of my hedge."

"Uh-huh," Naruto grunted, not really following the older man's point.

"So, you can imagine my discontent and _concern_, when my relaxing watch of my hedge was interrupted when I noticed a strangely _mutely_-dressed Uzumaki Naruto _scurrying_ across my backyard, as though he were infiltrating an enemy stronghold. Extend your imaginings further to include my thoughts when he proceeded to hide himself in a tree. A tree that just so happens to be directly outside my eldest daughter's _bedroom window_."

There was an obvious threat in Hiashi's words and clear eyes. So obvious, that even Naruto had no problem realizing what the older man was expecting if Naruto wanted to leave the Hyuuga compound with his chakra system in working order.

The blond attempted to reply, but his voice was lodged in his throat.

"Tell me, Naruto-san. What is your business in a tree outside my daughter's bedroom window?"

"I-I…I'm…sorry. I forgot how to breathe, for a moment there," he managed to gasp out, eyes wide as salty rivers tickled his skin. Naruto shook his head slightly, jarring it out of its frozen quiet. Leaving the Hyuuga compound with his ability to mould chakra required that he answer the man. He gave a shaky laugh. "Well, like I told Hinata-chan-_san_!-_sama_! Hinata-sama!" he squeaked, amending his words as Hiashi's overbearing brow twitched and furrowed at Naruto's choice of honorifics. "I was just dropping by to see how she was doing, or…something…yeah."

The Hyuuga patriarch watched the younger man with terrifyingly blank, unreadable eyes. Naruto could almost feel his soul readying itself to flee his body when the death blow came.

"And the front entrance is inadequate for your purposes?"

"Ah…no! No, no. I just… I didn't…want to disturb you!"

"It wouldn't have disturbed me as much as an _intruder_, who gallivants onto my property in the middle of the day, does."

"Ah hah, hah. Point taken, Hyuuga-sama! And may I just say, lesson learned!" Naruto gave a nervous grin. "It's the main entrance all the way, from now on! Eh heh, heh!"

"Indeed," Hiashi murmured, a nearly imperceptible shift in his demeanour erasing the danger he had silently been promising. "Hinata, don't you have some studying to do?" he asked, though not shifting his attention from Naruto, who was "surreptitiously" inching his way to freedom.

"Huh? Oh… Y-yes, tou-sama," the timid girl answered, relieved that the situation hadn't gone as she had feared it would. She had wanted to leap in and defend Naruto's odd behaviour from her father's displeased inquiry, but…she really wasn't sure how. She herself was still fuzzy on Naruto's true intentions for being in a tree, outside her bedroom window, dressed like a shrub. She wasn't naïve enough to believe his hastily slapped together story, but she had enough faith in him to not assume the worst.

Oh, that all kunoichi were so understanding…

* * *

_Well, this isn't that difficult. She doesn't even know that she's being watched. And of course she wouldn't know; she's two kilometres away._

_I'll be perfectly safe, as long as I maintain an ample distance. She never has to know about this._

_Now, to record my _observations_…_

_Subject is seated on the back step of her home. She is sharpening her weapons and organizing them, by what methods, I cannot tell. The subject seems to be speaking to herself, as no one else is near her. Subject is now…_hugging_ a kodachi and…upon further examination, I believe she is talking to her _weapons_. The subject seems to be speaking to the kodachi, which she is…_cradling_, like an infant._

_That is…just more than I ever needed to know about her. I knew she named a few of them, but cooing to, patting, and rocking _killing implements_ is just a bit much. She–no. No, no. _Please_, no. It looks like…she's _singing_ to them. Yes. She is most definitely singing to a bunch of sharp, pointy objects._

_Well, that proves that we have every right to be afraid of women; they're clearly all insane. I–whoa! That's just creepy. It's like she's staring right at me, even though I'm two kilometres away. That doesn't happen often; it always weirds me out, on the odd occasion that it does occur. What the?! She just threw a crap-load of senbon at the spot where I'd be, if I were actually there! That's most disturbing._

"Enjoying the show?"

"Not really. If I didn't know better, I'd swear she knew I was watching her, to the extent of knowing the _position_ of my view of her activities. It's…unnerving, to say the least. But, entirely impossible. There's no way she…could…"

Neji deactivated his Byakugan in as calm a manner as he could manage in his current situation. That is, in the jaws of the proverbial lion. Or, _lioness_, as the situation would have it.

He tried – he _really_ tried! – to suppress the output of his sweat glands, as his heart began hammering a hole through his chest. But, as _fate_ would have it (inner-Neji insisted), his skin was soon glazed with a cool sheen, making it even more difficult to not fidget, than it already was.

His voice came out slightly strangled, due to the limited supply of air in his lungs and the constriction of his throat.

"Tenten."

"_Yes_, Neji?"

"Is there a particular reason why you're here and not…somewhere else?"

"You mean, why am I not at home, putting on my own performance of _The Sound of Music_ with my weapons, while I sharpen them."

Attempting, and _almost_ achieving indifference with an air of superiority (the sea of sweat and barely-concealed trembling of his jaw ruined it), Neji sniffed and muttered, "I don't suppose to know what you should or would be doing in your spare time. It's none of my business or concern."

A dark phantom arose in Tenten's brown gaze. "That's correct. You _don't_ have any business in my personal time, and that includes _spying on me_!"

Neji scoffed in as indignant a manner as a guilty man (who was fearing for his life and for the _sanctity _of his body) could. He carefully arose from his seat on the forest floor, mindful not to expose his back to the _enemy_, and put more distance between him and the kunoichi perched on the branch above him. That was _far_ too vulnerable a position to be in!

Once there was a _tolerable_ three metres between them, the Hyuuga levelled the Weapons Mistress with his harshest look. One that could quite easily morph into a look of pure terror, if not maintained correctly. With that in mind, Neji hardened the gaze. There could be no room for doubt! The Genius of Geniuses was not someone you wanted to mess with! Rawr!

"Are you going to hiss at me and bare your kitty-claws, too?" Tenten drawled, smirking as condescendingly as she ever had at her team-mate's attempts at intimidation.

Cursing Fate for not blessing him with a properly emotive face, Neji ignored the jab and continued his role as a mouse caught in a closed maze; he would continue to scurry about, desperately seeking an exit, but in the end, he was cat chow.

"Is there something you needed?"

Tenten's gaze turned into a leer, as her smirk became sultry. She allowed her eyes to rove over Neji's now fear-frozen body, exaggerating her appraisal to Jiraiya-level ogling. "I think you know what I _need_, Neji," she answered, voice dropping to a smooth, liquid heat.

It was all Neji could do not to scream, "No bad touch!" and run for dear life to the ever-sterile safety of the Hyuuga compound. As it was, he became unto a statue; unmoving, face paused in a look of uncertain fear, skin covered in cascades of sweat, hair…still immaculate.

Raucous laughter broke the tense silence.

Tenten was barely hanging on to her branch, with her body shaken by laughs, pointing violently at Neji's still motionless form, and breaking into louder fits after casting tear-filled eyes at his ghostly face.

"Y-Y-You…! You…! Ha hah hah! You should see your face! You look like a kid who just saw the Boogie Man! Aha ha! It's so _pathetic_! Ha ha! You're twenty! _Twenty!_ And you're scared of–Ha ha!"

As Neji's face began to thaw, it gradually shifted into a scowl, as he realized that his team-mate was laughing at _his_ expense.

"That was low, even for one of your _kind_," he growled, not deigning to look directly at her now giggling form (though he kept her in the peripherals of his wide vision, not wanting to let his guard down. All they needed was one opening and BAM! You're drowning in perfume, shrill giggles, and _very_ grabby hands. Of course, Tenten didn't really wear perfume… And her giggles, though high, were never really shrill… But the grabby hands couldn't be discounted yet! She was a ninja, after all; she could have ways… And obviously she had found a way around his all-seeing eyes, which brought heavy consternation to bear on the Hyuuga's mind).

"How…did you get here?"

"My pet unicorn."

Neji glared at the snippy response. "How did you–"

"–bypass your _infallible _eyes and manage to fool you with a bunshin _and _sneak up on you when you're Byakugan was activated?"

Neji's glare deepened, as Tenten smiled innocently back.

"We've been team-mates for eight years. Give me a little credit. If I didn't know how to give you the slip by now, I wouldn't be much of a ninja."

A deep-seated discomfort rose in the Hyuuga's chest. Accusation his mantle, he spoke, "Then you admit that you have the means by which to _violate_ me without my knowledge!"

Tenten's face lost all of its good-natured humour at that. "What is with you?!" she yelled, eyes ablaze. "Just because I'm capable of it doesn't mean I did it! I'm _capable_ of killing most people in Konoha, but if someone is murdered, that doesn't mean that _I _did it!"

"But you _are_ the only person capable of eluding my Byakugan! And that's the only way someone could have taken advantage of me! _Therefore_, you did it!"

"Did what?! You haven't even _been_ molested! You're reacting to an _implanted _memory and over generalizing based on it! Just because _some _girls molest _some_ boys, doesn't mean that _all _girls will molest _every_ boy they encounter!"

"Of course you would say that! The jay never gives back the eggs it's stolen!"

Tenten scrunched up her face. "What? The jay…? What is _with _you and _bird_ references, anyway?! No. You know what? I don't care. Just…stop _spying_ on me! Or I'll make you a part of my _next_ weapon musical, _Hairspray_. The plot goes like so: Me and my army of weapons hunt you down, and I proceed to chop off you precious locks, while singing about how _angry_ I am that your hair is dulling my blades, after which I will sharpen all of them before your incapacitated form, singing about proper weapon care, and then, as the grand finale, I will use you as target practice while singing the final number, "My Senbon Were Made for Your Eyes." Got it?"

A tremulous nod shook itself from Neji's head.

Satisfied, Tenten stalked off.

She was psychotic! She had zeroed in on the one thing worse than being sullied by fan-girls: damaging his hair!

"Is nothing sacred anymore?" he mumbled, petting his dark locks protectively.

* * *

_So…she really thinks that skirt is enough to go around in? I know she's alone, at home, but come on. What if someone happens to look in the window? Or if she has stalkers and they're spying on her _right now_, like what I'm do–No. _I_ am conducting an "observational study." I'm not like those freaks; this is nothing like peeping. Not at all._

…

_Well, the plus side to her gallivanting around in something that barely covers her rear, is that I get to see more thigh than usual… Because I need to know if she's _healthy_ and the only way for me to do that is through…_observation_. The more I _see_ of her…_assets_, the better informed I am to assess her well-being. These are important issues! How can she bear a dozen kids if she's unwell? She can't! Especially if she has problems in the region of her _thighs_. But now I _know_ that she has no such issues, as I've carefully _observed_ her upper legs and found nothing to be out of sorts or unappealing…for the mother of my children to have…in regards to childbearing… That's… That's all… That's all that that 'thigh' thing is about. There's nothing unappealing about her legs for the childbearing…and, you know…_possibly_ for the child-_making_… _Possibly!

_Er-ahem._

_This whole scenario is so wrong. I can't believe I'm going along with allowing him to try and turn me into a perv! I'll never let it happen. It'll be a cold day in Hell before_ I _go hentai, unashamedly checking out Sakura, thinking lewd thoughts of her. Pfft! Not going to happen–Holy crap!_

Without warning, the ground imploded beneath Sasuke's feet, forcing him out of hiding and into the street.

Righting himself, Sasuke cast a quick glance back at his former "observation post." There was a sizable crevice in place of solid ground and it seemed to stem from a spot further up the road, to his right. Turning ever so slowly, the Uchiha prepared his mask of indifference to show the person who would be standing there, as though it was perfectly normal for him to be caught peering into people's houses with the intention of them never finding out about his…activities.

"Sakura. You know, you just compromised the integrity of your house's foundation by doing that," he said smoothly, not in the least bit self-conscious.

This, naturally, just served to irritate Sakura to the point of seeing red.

"Just _what_ were you doing?!" she shouted, not caring that the neighbours were poking curious heads out of their windows, and clucking their tongues at the cracked road and impending showdown. It would be like having front row seats at the Chuunin Exam. Awesome. Except, you know, with jounins…and no Hokage presiding…and no judge to stop the match if and when it got out of hand…and _they_ would have to clean up the blood spatter…and _their _house exteriors would be damaged, rather than the walls of the stadium… On second thought, this wasn't awesome at all. And really, _who_ was going to end up having to fix that freaking _gorge_ in the street, anyway? No, no. This was not looking good…

Though Sakura didn't care about the edgy audience, Sasuke did. He didn't like people at the best of times, and just being caught secretly _observing_ his team-mate, who was _already_ steaming from the ears, wasn't exactly a peachy scenario for him to be the centre of attention in.

"_What_ were you doing?" Sakura repeated, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. Her fists shook at her sides as she attempted to rein in her anger. She wasn't succeeding.

Scrambling for a suitable lie, Sasuke closed his eyes and straightened slightly, in that superior way of his. "The dobe and I are going to train. He insisted that we ask you if wanted to join us."

The kunoichi wasn't convinced, if her raised eyebrow was any indication.

"And why isn't Naruto here, then? I would expect that he would have had to _drag_ you here, since I somehow doubt that you would have volunteered to ask me, or that you even agreed to have me join you guys."

"Tch. He…said something about you being angry with me hurting our team dynamic and that if I came to ask, it would help smooth that out." _Wow. I was totally channelling that moron, right there. That's exactly the kind of _feminine_ crap he always spews. I'm good._

But Sasuke's ego-trip would be cut short, as Sakura responded with, "And you acquiesced just like that, huh? Well, that explains a lot… But you do know that he's very happy with Hinata-san, right? You going along with whatever he says isn't going to make him change his…_preferences_. Believe me, I know." Her final words were rueful.

Sasuke's face twitched, as the low murmurings of the residents swept about them.

"I don't go along with whatever he says, and you know that," he snapped, glaring at a few spectators. They quickly retracted back into their windows, but re-emerged when Sasuke's dark eyes had left.

"But you certainly hold his opinions in higher regard than you do mine."

"I've never said–"

"But your actions imply it," she interrupted, shifting her stance to one of defensiveness, though not for a physical attack. "And none of this explains what you were doing _peeping_ into my house!"

"I wasn't _peeping_," he grumbled, fighting a determined blush that was seeping into his pale flesh.

"Oh? Then what would you call using a concealment jutsu to peer into my home without anyone knowing about your activities? Somehow I doubt Naruto thought such measures were necessary for you to get me to go training with you."

"I wasn't sure if you had cooled off yet, so, to avoid enduring one of your annoying moods, I thought I'd scope out your disposition first. You shouldn't have been able to sense me until I lowered the jutsu."

"I shouldn't have been able to…?" She stared at him with incredulous eyes, plainly offended by Sasuke's words. "A _medium_-level genjutsu like that and you didn't think I'd be able to sense you?! What do you take me for?! I'm a genjutsu type! I've been training in it for years now! And you think I shouldn't have been able to sense it?! See, _this_ is what I can't stand! You constantly belittle and underestimate me! I'm so _sick_ of it!"

"Don't be stupid," he snapped. "That's not what I said."

"No. Of course not! You never _say_ it! But it's always there!" she shouted back, intent on getting her long-suppressed indignation out in the open.

"No, it's not!" he nearly hissed. She was being unreasonably annoying again. "You just blow things out of proportion! You get offended over every little thing."

"So, I'm supposed to just _ignore_ it when you insult my talents and my work–_who_ I am?!"

"I insult Naruto all the time, and he doesn't get all worked up over it."

"That's because you two insult each other as a weird boy-bonding ritual!" she shot back, shaking her head. "You and I have no such thing! They're just insults! And I'm not taking it anymore. You can tell Naruto that I won't be coming to train with you, as I don't want my _uselessness_ to hamper _your_ all-powerful skills!"

With that, she stormed back into her house, slamming the door so hard, the windows on the first floor shattered. A muffled curse sounded from inside the house. After which, the door fell off. A low growl emitted from the darkness of the home, but no other sign of the seething kunoichi presented itself.

Through the haze that was suddenly occupying his mind, Sasuke sensed a familiar presence come up beside him.

"How _do_ you do that?" Kakashi asked, shaking his head in awe, at his stunned student. "Seriously. It's like your mind works on this level where it discards all words but the ones that will definitely hurt and tick her off. It's remarkable, really." He had to force back a smile at the utterly lost expression on Sasuke's face. "You're like a rare species that should be kept safe in a nature reserve, or something. And hopefully your species is hermaphroditic, because, at this rate, that's the only way you'll be procreating."

"I…can't… I can't…" Sasuke struggled to give voice to the utter dismay he was experiencing at the moment.

"I know," the grey-head said, still watching Sasuke with sad but amused eyes. "Don't worry. We'll get you help for that runaway mouth of yours. If all else fails, I'll crush your voice box. How about that?"

"…Aa."

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Okay. This is not the end of the story, seeing as my inspiration overflowed and I couldn't fit all of the "lessons" into one chapter. That said, there will likely be one or two more chapters after this, so please bear with me.

And yes, I wrote Neji as only able to see black and white when using Byakugan. Whether or not that's canon in the manga, I do not know, as I've never read colour manga. I went by the Naruto Shippuuden depiction of Neji's Byakugan, so that's why I did it, just in case it contradicts canon. I try not to base things on anime, as I don't consider it canon, but I had no other way of getting information about that particular detail.

Give Mr. Clicky a visit and review, please! A big thanks to all of those who have done so already!


	5. The Strategy

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated my some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Chapter 5: The Strategy**

"You're all failures! Complete and utter _failures_! Oh my sweet porn! You all suck! How can three people suck this badly?! You're shinobi, for crying out loud! This should have been a walk in the park!"

"Well, they're shinobi, too, Ero-sennin," Naruto pointed out with a pout.

"I won't accept excuses!" Jiraiya growled, levelling agitated eyes on the three young nin before him. "Tsunade's a ninja. You think I haven't spied on her?!"

"Yeah, and she's caught and maimed you every time, so don't brag, dattebayo!" the blonde shouted back, glaring mildly at his mentor.

The Sannin huffed, running a hand through his white mane. "I…I just never thought it would go _this_ horribly," he mumbled, lost in thought. "I expected Naruto to botch it up spectacularly, considering how he lacks any and all manner of subtlety, but you two!" Jiraiya eyed the Hyuuga and Uchiha, shaking his head in disbelief. "_He_ did better than you two combined!" He thumbed in the grinning blonde's direction.

Sasuke turned his head away and scoffed, indignant at the insult.

"Jiraiya-sama," Neji's deep voice spoke. "I believe Naruto had it slightly easier than either I or Uchiha did. He and Hinata-sama are a couple. And Hinata-sama is extremely docile; regardless of Naruto's actions, she would never show any extreme ire, unlike our subjects of observation."

"Oh! And the excuses just keep coming!" Jiraiya boomed, not looking at all moved by the prodigy's explanation. He watched Neji with an accusing gaze. "Are you sure this isn't about your defeat at the hands of your team-mate?"

The Hyuuga scowled darkly, but said nothing.

"I must say, I'm marginally appalled that Rin-Tin-Tin could fool your eyes so easily. You make me doubt your skills, Neji," the Sannin admonished. He closed his eyes and shook his head, "tut tuting."

"Tch. She's not a _dog_. Her name is _Tenten_," the Hyuuga bit out. "Really, what's so difficult about it? It's repetitive, even." He sighed, calming himself. "And she's a highly skilled shinobi. I train with her most often. I had never considered the possibility, but it shouldn't have surprised me that she found a way through my defences."

"Mmm," Jiraiya hummed, with a nod. "That's an important lesson, Neji. You should never underestimate that which you pursue. If you do, unpleasantness is guaranteed to ensue. Isn't that right, Sasuke?"

The addressed shinobi huffed and scowled at the ink-stained floor. He didn't need anyone making jabs at his…_altercation_ with Sakura. Yesterday had been a practice in executing disaster, the likes of which Sasuke knew even Naruto could never match. And ever since Kakashi had dragged his mortified form away from the scene of his transgression, Sasuke could hear the slow flow of solitude, coming in higher and higher tides. There was a futility in these attempts, he was sure. Something told him that there was no way to get back that which he had already cast away. But what was he but stubborn and self-righteous? He wasn't one to stop pursuing that which he wanted. And he _really_ wanted this. More than he could say.

Beside him, Naruto grunted and cast about, searching for something that was curiously absent.

"Hey! Where's Fuzzy-eyebrows?" he asked, quirking his own blonde brows at his mentor.

Jiraiya sighed tiredly. "After that little _incident_ with Sasuke, he went running to Gai, who brought him to me. His psyche is far too damaged for him to be properly rehabilitated through this therapy, now. I have him in a far more intense rehab program. You won't be seeing him until he's through with it."

"What sort of therapy are you giving him, Ero-sennin?" Naruto asked, blue eyes wide in concern.

"That's not something I can disclose as of yet," the Sannin rumbled. "The methods are…experimental. I've never seen someone with as much mental scarring as Lee has." He gave Sasuke a stern look, though it went unnoticed by the Uchiha, who seemed lost in some depressing thought. "As such, the techniques I had to opt for are less than conventional. I'd just like to keep it all on the down-low until I see some results, or else someone might think to interfere, thus ruining any headway we might have made."

"Well, there's something to be thankful for, dattebayo," Naruto spoke lowly. "Things can always get worse."

Neji nodded in agreement.

"Yes, they can. But let's see that they don't. You three are already dangling over the precipice of life-long celibacy. Let's keep clinging to that ledge, shall we? I think it's time to begin the next lesson," Jiraiya said, which spurred the blonde and brunette to straighten up and watch the Sannin expectantly.

In his secluded corner, Kakashi turned another page in his green book, seemingly lost in the story, though they all knew he was listening in on the conversation just as intently as the participants were.

"Sasuke," Jiraiya intoned deeply, serious eyes on the younger male, who snapped his head up to focus attention on the events at hand, rather than his own inner turmoil. "This next bout of training is specifically designed to address that loose-lipped mouth of yours. It's specially tailored to help you learn to talk like a ladies' man. After I'm done with you, never again will Sakura blow up at you for saying the monumentally retarded things that you say in her presence. You will be suave and chivalrous; a gentleman who can make any woman swoon for him with his words alone."

"I don't see why you're only picking at what happened to me," the Uchiha grumbled. "Both Naruto and Hyuuga were caught, too."

"Yes, but _they_ didn't piss off their respective quarries to the point of them putting a _valley_ in a street and subsequently making it so the entire main floor of their homes would need to be boarded up, due to them breaking their windows. _They _didn't force their study topics to express their utter _disdain _for them and their habits. _They _didn't--"

"Okay, I get it," Sasuke grumbled, glaring at the floor.

"No, no," Jiraiya insisted. "I wasn't finished."

Sasuke shot a venomous look at the Sannin, but the man seemed immune.

"_They _didn't get shut down in front of a street-full of people. _They _didn't run their mouths off with the absolute _worst _choice of words for them to have used. Words that any idiot with half a clue would have _never _said, as they would have known the obvious outcome if they did. Words that may very well have completely destroyed your chances! Do you have any idea the trouble you've caused yourself? And me?! I'm trying to get you a wife here! I'm trying to get you someone that your frigid, repressed self can have wild, hot se--"

"Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi interrupted, casting a gauging look at his protégé. "Sasuke… He's a little uptight when it comes to discussions of the…"restorative process" that he's ultimately aiming for. Not to mention, considering his magnificent failures so far, I think a more conservative goal of "a civil conversation with Sakura" is the smarter course."

"You're probably right," Jiraiya ceded with a sigh. "Any "clan restoring" has probably been set back at least three years, with this."

"I calculated five," Kakashi responded, watching his dejected ex-student sadly. When the older man gave him a questioning look, he elaborated, "I've estimated and made allowances for his future screw-ups to add another two years."

"Ah," the mighty pervert agreed with a nod.

"Are you quite finished making estimates on how badly I'll botch my life?" Sasuke hissed through gritted teeth, glaring at the older men with unconcealed malice.

Jiraiya sighed disapprovingly. "You know Sasuke. I think part of your problem is your attitude about this therapy. If you had a more positive and energized attitude about it, things would probably go more smoothly."

The ex-avenger scoffed. "Of course I'm negative about this. You're trying to turn me into a pervert! I don't want to _be_ a pervert!"

"No, no, no!" Jiraiya denied, waving a hand. "I'm going to turn you into a _man_!"

"A perverted man?!"

"Is there any other kind?!" the Sannin said, hands raised in question.

"Of course there is!" the Uchiha snapped, scowl nearly permanently etched into his features.

Jiraiya paused and watched Sasuke with a calculating eye. When he spoke, his words were smooth and sure, like he knew the truth before he even posed the question. "Are you saying that you have never had lewd and lascivious thoughts of your lovely and currently unattainable Sakura?"

A blush was burning itself into Sasuke's glowering features, much to his dismay. "I… No. I wouldn't… I'm not like that!" he snapped, turning away slightly in a poor attempt to hide his reddening features.

"WHA?! Teme! You pervert! You're LYING! I can see your blush!" Naruto shouted, pointing an accusing finger at his embarrassed team-mate. "Leave Sakura-chan alone, you hentai!"

"I haven't done anything!" Sasuke defended, glaring at anyone and everyone who dared look his way. And they were all looking. With condescension and amusement, they were looking.

"I think," Jiraiya began slowly, a smile playing at his forcibly neutral face, "that I won't be at fault if and when you come out of the hentai closet. It would seem that you made yourself into what you are. And what you are, Sasuke, is a pervert!"

"No, I am not! I'm not like you three!" He gave a cursory glance at Naruto, Kakashi, and Jiraiya, disdain in his eyes. "I've never peeped on, made lewd suggestions to, read or watched inappropriate material of, or used or created a perverted jutsu of women! I am not a pervert!"

"You think that just because you haven't done those things that means you're not a perv?" Jiraiya scoffed, smirking at the younger male's flustered countenance. "I've got news for you, Sasuke: Just _thinking_ lewd thoughts qualifies you as a hentai, if you think them often enough. And judging by your omission of that from your list of perverted activities, I'd say that it's a safe bet that you do just that!"

Sasuke sputtered for a few moments, attempting to produce a scathing retort, but, as with many things of late, he failed miserably at doing so.

"You have no proof that I do such," he sniffed, having calmed himself slightly.

"Your dodginess is proof enough for me and the rest of us," Jiraiya breezily replied.

Behind him, Kakashi nodded, eye still on his beloved smut.

Next to the mortified Uchiha, Naruto was watching his best friend with a distinct air of superiority. "I always knew you were a sicko," he said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

Sasuke snapped his eyes on the blonde. "Oh, _I'm_ the sicko? I'm not the one who enjoys transforming into a naked girl in the middle of crowded streets and peeping into the women's section of the hot springs."

"It's _training_!" the jinchuuriki screeched in defence.

"Training for what? Getting a restraining order slapped against you?"

"Alright! That's it! You two brats in your corners!" Jiraiya bellowed over the racket of the at-odds friends.

"What?" they both asked, confusion emanating from their faces.

"I said," the Sannin spoke slowly and dangerously, "in your corners. Now!" He pointed violently at two separate corners and gave the Uchiha and Uzumaki pointed looks that left no room for argument.

Of course, Naruto wasn't the most proficient one at reading warning signs.

"Pfft! I'm not a little kid, Ero-sennin! You can't just send me over to a corner like some disobedient brat! I'm a man, dattebayo! And as a man, I demand respect! And a non-corner area to stand in! That is my way of the niiiinnnnjaaaa!" He raised a commanding fist in the air, eyes triumphant.

"Get over there before I send you flying there with a geta to the butt!" Jiraiya growled, dark eyes narrowed on the defiant male.

Naruto seemed to grudgingly shrivel up a few degrees, as he shuffled over to his new place of detention, pouting all the while.

Turning his attention from the Uzumaki, the Toad Sannin noticed that he wasn't the only rebellious student in his flock.

"Forgive my inferior eyes, but I could swear that where you're standing is not _that_ corner," he snapped, jabbing at the wall junction to his right.

Sasuke scoffed quietly, indignant at being treated like a rowdy academy student. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You _will_ go to your corner, Uchiha! That's an order! If you don't, I'll stop helping you out with your disastrous habits, and you can prepare yourself for a life of flying it solo!"

"That's fine," the ex-avenger growled, eyes narrowed on the older man. "It's been going worse since I started this ridiculous "therapy" of yours. I'll go back to doing it by myself."

""_Doing_ _it_ by yourself" isn't going to get you little kiddies, Sasuke," Jiraiya commented nonchalantly.

"That's not what I meant!" the Uchiha snapped, another blush brightening his face.

"What? You didn't mean that you were going to try to get the girl by yourself and, through the girl, the children? Then what were you talking about?"

Sasuke grit his teeth so hard, his jaw ached. "I didn't mean it in the way _you_ meant it."

"How did I mean it? I meant it how I explained the way it wouldn't go according to the way I thought you meant it. Unless you meant it in a different way."

"No. _You_ meant it in a different way. I meant it in the way you said you thought I meant it, when really you didn't think I meant it that way."

"But I _did_ think you meant it the way you say you meant it, according to the way I said I thought you meant it. But then you said that that wasn't what you meant, which brought me to think that you didn't mean it in the way I thought you meant it."

"No, no, no! The way you initially meant it was _not_ the way I meant it, but then you changed the way you meant it, so you could accuse me of meaning it the way you initially meant it. But I didn't mean it that way, and I have not changed the way I meant it, though you are trying to trick me into admitting to meaning it in the way that you meant it, when I didn't mean it that way!"

"Nnnggghhhh! Kaka-sensei! Make it stop!" Naruto whimpered, cradling his head in his hands and rocking back and forth on his heels.

"It's okay, Naruto," the Copy-nin soothed, appearing by the blonde's side and patting him on the back. "I'm sure Jiraiya-sama and Sasuke didn't mean to hurt you."

Jiraiya stared down the seething Uchiha for a few moments, seemingly gauging the other male for some unknown factor. Then a grin split his lips and he boomed, "That was a test! And you passed! You've got to stick to your thoughts, your plans. You've got to say what you mean. Clarify, Sasuke! Clarify!" He smacked a hand to his palm as he spoke. "That's the number one rule when pursuing a woman. Make your intentions clear!"

Sasuke seemed to back down slightly, his agitation and rising blood pressure relaxing, gradually settling back into his normal "prissy" setting. (And no, that was not meant to be "pissy." Most people saw the ex-avenger as "pissy," but Kakashi knew that was all a façade to cover his _prissiness_.)

"But Ero-sennin. You told me that the number one rule when pursuing women is "Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am.""

Jiraiya let out a defeated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose tiredly. "That's regarding a _different_ situation than what Sasuke's after, Naruto. You should probably just forget I ever told you that."

The jinchuuriki blinked absently, and you could almost hear the eraser squeaking across the loose-leaf surface of his mind. He then flashed a foxy grin and said, "So, what's the lesson today, Ero-sennin?"

"Today," Jiraiya began boisterously, "you are going to learn the fine art of cruising for chicks!" His lips split into a malicious grin, clearly relishing the idea of said activity.

His students, however, looked anything but impressed. In fact, they looked downright put-off by the thought.

"You want us to just randomly hit on women?" Neji deadpanned. "I think not." He closed his eyes in that concluding manner of his.

"Hey, hey now! Don't go shooting down my plans just yet. This is a vital step in your therapy. You'll see."

"How so?" Sasuke said, monotonous as ever, eyes rolling even as he asked the question.

"It's going to give you an opportunity to try your hand at confronting women, as well as being in control of the situation with them," Jiraiya answered. "A man needs to be confident and strong when he approaches a woman, which none of you are right now, what with the way you're still terrified of them. You're going to go in there with your own agenda in mind, and you're going to get it done! You need to have a battle plan and stick to it no matter what." He raised a hand in a call to pause, as he continued, "Now, though you may have your own ideas, so does the girl. Her reaction is the independent variable. You need to alter your tactics according to her reactions."

"But you just told us to stick to our plan, no matter what, dattebayo," Naruto complained, confused, as he often was.

"Yes, but let me finish. You have to alter your tactics, but in a way that will steer the girl to your ultimate goal. Keep the final aim in mind."

"Isn't this a precursor to disaster?" Neji spoke, scepticism evident in his crossed arms and raised brow. "How far are we supposed to take this? They're going to be expecting a date, or something, when that's not what we're after."

"Yeah, and I already have a girlfriend, dattebayo! It doesn't seem right," Naruto put in.

"You're only going to flirt with them as practice in how to control a female-involved situation," Jiraiya explained, trying not to lose his students in the seemingly unscrupulous details of his therapy. "If it seems like they're ready to give you their information, just accept it with a smile and bring it to me."

"You're joking, right?" Sasuke scoffed, looking as unimpressed as ever.

"What? I'm tearing my hair out here, trying to save you from a certain lonely future; I think I deserve a little recompense," the Sannin responded, seemingly serious.

"We're not going to pimp for you," the ex-avenger snapped, cringing at the thought.

"Fine, fine," the white-haired man sighed. "But if they seem like they're going to give you their info, just _politely_ and _suavely_ remove yourself from their company. Such a situation would mean that you've succeeded in the lesson's endeavour, anyway."

"And how exactly do we initiate these…attempts?" Neji asked, honestly curious about the best way to approach the situation, but at the same time, hesitant to learn of something bred from the mighty pervert's mind.

"Using directions from this, of course!"

Jiraiya whipped out a bright red book. Across its front were the words:

_**Icha Icha All-purpose Guide to the Art of Wooing Women, Fourth Edition**_

_The moves to use. The words to woo.  
__**New to this edition:**__ Twenty percent more pickup lines.  
__Eighty-five percent more lines for dumping her with style.  
__Two hundred percent more moves for the good times between pickup and putdown.  
__**New!**__ Examples of how _not_ to pickup a girl. In this new feature, you will learn through the adventures of Haruto, Eiji, and Sousuke, how you _shouldn't_ interact with women! Don't do what these guys do!_

"You're lucky!" Jiraiya gushed, waving his new "masterpiece" about proudly. "This book hasn't even gone on sale yet! You'll be the first ones to use its genius tutelage!"

"Man, Ero-sennin! Where do you get ideas for these characters?" Naruto said, paging through the "instruction manual." "They're such idiots! Especially this Haruto! Geez, what a loser, dattebayo!"

Both Neji and Sasuke wilted at the blonde's obliviousness and then recommenced glaring at the Sannin. They were _not_ impressed.

"Just what is the meaning of this?" Sasuke seethed, waving the book through the air with a violent snap.

"Well, Sasuke," Jiraiya began, voice patronizingly slow. "This is what we call a book!" He held up said item. "And in these pages, you will find that the "meaning of this" is the proper way to go about everything and anything as it relates to women." He gave an innocent smile at the other male's twitching face.

"You cannot really be intending to release this to the public, Jiraiya-sama!" Neji demanded, looking flustered as he paged through the tome, cringing as he relived his recent behaviour through the actions of the character "Eiji" in the text he read.

"What? Pre-sale estimates have this release as poised to be my biggest seller to-date! Of course I'm going to release it!"

"But…this is illegal!" Sasuke snapped, leafing through the pages and stopping when he found what he was after. "This right here," he pointed at the text, "is the exact, word-for-word account of what happened between Sakura and I during training. But I didn't give you permission to use my story in your book! You can't do that! It's a violation of privacy and you can't hold a copyright on someone else's story."

Jiraiya didn't seem too concerned as he replied, "I think you'll find that I changed it _just_ enough, so that I don't need to have your written consent. The names have been changed, certain events slightly altered, the setting revamped."

"But everyone who reads this and knows us is going to know who inspired these characters!" Neji spat. The usually composed Hyuuga was nearly steaming at the ears over this. There were _many_ shinobi in the jounin ranks who read the Perverted Hermit's work. Neji didn't need his colleagues knowing of his ineptitude with women. No sir.

"Oh, no one's going to know!" Jiraiya said with a wave of his hand. "I could have gotten inspiration for these characters from anywhere! My fans know how wide my pool of experience is. No one's going to make the correlation to you three!"

""Sousuke, the lone survivor of a renowned clan, is trying to get with Sayaka, a fiery red-headed nurse. But Sousuke finds himself incapable of civil speech with this fearsome woman, as he continuously says things to incur her ire. Sousuke's problem has greater ramifications than just him not being able to get laid! His final life goal--after exacting revenge upon his sister, the one who murdered their family--is to revive his fallen clan, by getting busy with his lady love, Sayaka. But his goal may never come to fruition, as Sayaka pulls farther and farther away, due to Sousuke's inability to say it right." _No._ They'll _never_ make the connection," Sasuke snapped sarcastically.

"Okay, okay," Jiraiya grumbled reluctantly. "I'll see about changing a few more things. This is just a preliminary version, anyway."

"Preliminary?" Kakashi repeated, perked up and _very_ interested, considering the heavenly streams shining from his eye. "So…then this version would be considered quite _rare_, wouldn't it?"

"Mmm, I suppose," Jiraiya mused.

"I see… I have to go." The Copy-nin then poofed out of the room, red contraband in hand.

The Sannin shook his head, amused. "He could have just asked for it. I would have let him have it."

"When are we going to be enacting this plan of yours, Jiraiya-sama?" Neji asked, frowning as he scanned the pickup line section. There was _no way_ he was saying that! Or that. Or _that_.

"Well, you seem to have had enough time to scan through those, haven't you? Let's see how you brats can do, right now!"

"Wait, wait! I want to know how this ends!" Naruto protested, waving his book around like a maniac. "Ero-sennin, this is the first story of yours that has actually been interesting! I mean, this Haruto! Now there's a character, dattebayo! But man is he stupid! Seriously! It took him like, seventeen years to figure out that this girl, Hinako, is in love with him! Who does that?!"

All three nin's eyes turned to disbelieving slits as they watched the blonde turn back to the focus of five-second attention spree.

"You know," Jiraiya spoke slowly, "it really speaks to my talent, that I could teach _that _moron something like Rasengan. I am a genius."

* * *

"So, are you going to tell me your name, or am I going to have to stalk you, dattebayo?"

SMACK!

"Owwww!"

"Naruto, you idiot! What was that?!"

"I was just using a line from _your_ book, Ero-sennin!"

Jiraiya sighed, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "Didn't I tell you that the pickup lines under the "Creepy Come-ons" section won't work for you? You don't have the personality or presence for it! Now, Sasuke could probably pull that one off, but not you. You need to stick to the ones under the "Cute and Cheesy Makes it Easy" section. That's what's going to get a girl's attention on you, and _then_ you can get into a conversation and maintain control of the situation!"

Naruto didn't take too kindly to being told that he couldn't do something, especially when Sasuke could. "What?!" he screeched. "Why can't I use a pickup line like that? I'm just as manly as Sasuke--no! I'm _way_ more manly than Sasuke-teme! I can use it, dattebayo!"

"No, you can't, Naruto!" the Sannin snapped, understanding the younger male's irritation, but being irritated himself that his student couldn't listen to simple directions. He went on to explain, "This has nothing to do with manliness. The lines in the "Creepy Come-ons" section are the most difficult to execute, because they rely on the user being totally suave and in-control. He needs to have a presence that commands a woman's attention before he even initiates contact. And he needs to have a certain dark, mysterious quality about him. Sasuke has all of that--well, except for the "suave and in-control" part, but we're working on that. When someone like you or me uses a line like that, it just comes out sounding, well, creepy." He stuck a point-making finger in the air. "It doesn't suit us, and women can tell, Naruto. They know when we men are attempting something that's out of our league."

"I will not lose to Sasuke! I can do this!" the blonde declared, fist rising by his side in an oath on his nindo.

Jiraiya shook his head and let out a heavy breath. "Naruto! Listen to me! It will never work. _Never_. Your entire image and personality are at total odds with lines like that."

"But Sasuke's isn't?"

"No."

"Why not? What's he got that I don't have?!" Naruto whined, stamping his foot in a mild pout. There was no way Sasuke was more capable than him in this! "I want examples, dattebayo! And keep them simple!"

"Yes, yes. Simple, got it," the white-haired man mumbled, leaning against the support struts for the water reservoir on top of the building he was keeping watch on his charges from. "It's not about what you lack that he has, or anything," he began, watching the nearly seething blonde. "It's about your differences. You are loud, obnoxious, immature, and very open. Sasuke is quiet, controlled, mature, and reserved. You are someone a woman will naturally feel comfortable talking to, because you aren't overly threatening and you have a certain boyish charm that puts them at ease. Sasuke, on the other hand, is a walking danger sign. And every woman, whether she's seen him before or not, knows it the moment she looks at him. They will expect something dark and dangerous from him." He snorted quietly. "Heck, most women will pursue him _because_ he seems dangerous."

"Why?" Naruto asked, face contorting into the look of befuddlement that he often wore when he was being taught something.

"Why?" Jiraiya gave a wry smile, any humour in the gesture being lost to the ruefulness seeping through. "Because women love danger, Naruto. They flock to it like moths to a flame. Because danger is mysterious; they want to learn more about the twisted mind behind the handsome face. It intrigues them and women love to be intrigued. And that's why a line like that would work for Sasuke; women will accept and even expect something like that, or darker, from him, because his presence has already told them that he is the dangerous type." He gave Naruto a pointed look, punctuated with a gesturing index finger. "You are not the dangerous type. In fact, you're the direct opposite of that. You're the safe and secure type. You're the type to make a girl laugh and fawn over her and complement her, which is why you need to stick with the cute and cheesy lines." A shrug slipped from the Sannin's broad shoulders at the blonde's sour face. "Yes, they sound horrible and make you force back a cringe when you say them, but if you learn how to use your boyish charm to its full extent, they'll be pure gold. Trust me, I know."

Naruto seemed to be contemplating his mentor's words, as he didn't speak for a few moments, but rather stared down at the dusty rooftop with a slightly furrowed brow. "What about Neji?" he said after a few more seconds, countenance perking up as his natural curiosity reared its head. "What section is he stuck under?"

"Ah," Jiraiya sighed, nodding with closed eyes, as he thought on the Hyuuga prodigy's traits. "Neji actually has it harder than you and Sasuke. He's too anal to pull-off boyish like you. But his presence isn't dark and twisty enough to be dangerous. He _can_ do mysterious to a point, but because he lacks the proper personality to back it up, such isn't terribly useful past getting a girl's attention. What he has to do is work his debonair qualities. He's very well-bred and respectable."

The blonde glared, though it appeared as more of a frown than a scowl. "Are you calling me a mongrel?"

"No, that's not it," the Sannin rumbled, chuckling a little as he thought of the boy's lineage. "Far from it, actually. It's not about your actual heritage; it's about the way you conduct yourself. When have you ever seen Neji when he's not composed? Recent events aside."

"Never, I guess." An exasperated sigh flowed out of Naruto's lips as his blue eyes rolled. "He's a stick in the mud, Ero-sennin. Sasuke-teme is more loose than he is, dattebayo! Do you _know_ how uptight a person's gotta be to be more anal than _Sasuke_?!"

Jiraiya grinned. "That's my point, Naruto. That's why Neji has it harder than you two. He's not well-defined in any one type. And the one quality that does set him apart can very easily work against him, making him a stick in the mud, as you put it. But if he learns to emphasize his refinement, rather than allowing himself to appear stuffy, the ladies will like!"

"I get it, now." A new light of respect seemed to brighten the jinchuuriki's eyes as he met his teacher's gaze. "How'd you learn all this stuff, Ero-sennin? It's pretty complicated. I can't believe you thought of it."

Jiraiya scowled, not impressed by the pathetic excuse for a complement. "You know, there's more to me than perverted books and getting drunk with pretty ladies. I've spent the majority of my life in pursuit of a fool-proof way for a man to get the woman he wants. And you know what I found?"

"What, Ero-sennin?" Naruto asked, eyes once again wide in wonder.

"I found that even if you know what type you are and can work your attributes to their full extent, if the woman you want just doesn't feel that way about you, you'll never get anywhere with her. That's something you kids, especially Sasuke, are going to have to learn."

The blonde frowned. "What? You think Sakura-chan doesn't feel that way for him anymore? Then shouldn't you be telling Sasuke this, dattebayo?"

"Naruto, this is a lesson Sasuke needs to learn for himself, if that is indeed the case. He's got to learn to let things go when they become detrimental to the parties involved. A man has to learn to take defeat and use it to make him stronger."

"So that he can find a better way to get Sakura-chan to be with him," the Uzumaki added with a nod, finally understanding his sensei's reasoning--not.

"No." Jiraiya shook his head. "So he can let go of that dream and seek out other people."

"You think he should give up?! Then what are you even helping him for?!" Naruto shouted, and had they been on the ground, he would have drawn an audience. "This doesn't sound like you, Ero-sennin. You never told me to give up during my training, even when it seemed like I was never going to get it."

The Sannin let his breath out in a hiss between his teeth, face indecisive. "Matters of women cannot be compared to learning jutsu, as I've led you to believe, Naruto. Sometimes… Sometimes your best efforts don't succeed. You can't make a woman fall for you if she's not willing to let go of what's holding her back."

"But Sakura-chan loves Sasuke-teme, dattebayo. She's just angry with him because he's a moron. All you have to do is get him to stop acting like an idiot and they'll be together."

"Naruto," Jiraiya muttered, eyes flat. "I couldn't get _you_ to stop being an idiot. Somehow I doubt I'll have any more luck with Sasuke."

"I'm sure you could think of something, Ero-sennin," the protégé answered, ignorant to the insult.

"No… I think I may have failed you all." The older man's voice was quiet and melancholic as he spoke and Naruto didn't think his second teacher had ever looked so old.

"What do you mean? We've made progress!" Naruto insisted, not liking the way this conversation was heading. Doubt led to ceding defeat, and he and his friends _really_ needed the Sannin's continued tutelage to get their lives back on track.

"How so?" said Sannin grumbled. He waved a hand about, the gesture exuding sarcasm. "Where is this "progress" you speak of?"

"Uh… Well…"

"Mmhmm?"

"Well, I… …Sasuke doesn't… …Neji is…" The blonde trailed off, hand reaching up to scratch his chin thoughtfully, mind searching for a possible achievement to reassure his teacher with. But alas, Naruto's mind was blank.

The Toad Sannin grinned wanly. "That's right. You're all still just as incompetent as you were when Kakashi and Gai brought you to me. I've failed you all."

"Well, don't get too down on yourself! Some of it's probably our fault, too, dattebayo."

Jiraiya seemed to bubble at this, shoulders bunching and then snapping straight, as his eyes narrowed on his protégé. "Of course it's you retards' faults!" he shouted, huffing at the notion of it being any other way. "I'm not lamenting over _my_ incompetence! I do just fine with the ladies. I'm lamenting over yours!" He leaned forward to look the other male in the eye more directly, gaze heavy. "I'm scared, Naruto. I'm scared that I may be the last of my kind. The mammoth failures you've all turned out to be has all but dashed any hopes I had for the next generation. Tell me, who among you will take up my mantle of the true voyeur? Who will take up my post outside the women's bathhouse? Not a one of you is qualified!" He shook his head, seemingly indignant in his disappointment. "I used to have high hopes for _you_, but these past few days have dashed that dream."

Naruto cringed in distaste. "What the heck, Ero-sennin?! Of course none of us are going to take to writing porn, dattebayo! That's not what we signed up for! Don't call us failures just because we aren't living up to an expectation that we weren't even aware we were being measured against to begin with!"

"Oh, fine! I'm not scouting out my successor in you three anymore!" he huffed. "But that doesn't change the fact that you're all failing miserably at this therapy."

"Come on! We're not that bad!"

Jiraiya quirked a white brow and pointed down to the street. "Watch the Hyuuga. Watch him and then you turn to me and repeat what you just said, to my face."

The blonde peeked over the edge of the roof and squatted down to enjoy the show.

* * *

_Okay. Just do it. Go over there and get it done. Do not hesitate. Do not waver. You are confident. You are not afraid that she will leap at you and paw all over you. You are in control._

_... ... ..._

_Okay. The point of a pep talk is that you actually go and do what you are intending to do after the bolstering is complete. You are bolstered as much as you're going to get. Just go over and say the line Jiraiya-sama suggested, chat her up a bit, and then _calmly_ walk away._

_... ... ... _

_Come on, Neji! Get it together! I'm sure plenty of _Main House_ members have done this. You will not be outdone by the tyrants! Now do it!_

Neji let out a heavy breath and began walking toward his target, shoulders back and head held high. His gait was sure and steady; not fast, but not hesitant--in control.

The line he had readied for his attempt was repeating itself in his mind, enunciation perfect and timing precise. Oh, that pickup line was going to come out, alright. And it was going to come out over the span of exactly four-point-three-six seconds, with pronunciation strictly adhering to dictionary standards. There would be no fumbling with him. No sir. For he was Hyuuga Neji, anal retentive speaker extraordinaire.

Neji managed to force himself to step within a metre of the woman he was targeting, face set in a neutral, if mildly determined, mask. He waited patiently for a few moments, pausing the execution of his plan until the woman noticed his rather imposing presence beside her.

The girl looked up with a jerky movement, surprised by the stranger's proximity to her. Freaking shinobi. Sneaking up on regular villagers. What was she, a mission target? (Little did she know...)

"Uhm... Can I help you?" she asked hesitantly, eyes shifting around the quiet street as though trying to determine whether the stranger was really _hovering_ there for someone else and she just happened to be in the way.

With his face unmoving and voice flat as the road he was standing on, Neji leapt into the fray.

"Did it hurt?" he asked, countenance blank in what he thought was a properly aloof manner.

What the woman saw was an uptight, slightly irritated man who would give his left eye to be anywhere else.

"Did what hurt?" she asked slowly, wondering why someone who seemed so apathetic would even bother to ask something like that, especially when there was no apparent injury on her.

"When you fell from heaven," he finished, face set in stone.

Was he even looking at her?

The villager couldn't really tell, but she would put her money on the answer being "no." She just stared at the Hyuuga male before her. She knew that much about him, due to the telltale eyes, but other than that, she knew nothing of this guy, who was apparently...hitting on her? Was that right? He had used a pickup line. That had to be what he was doing. But he sure as heck didn't look too excited about it. Why would someone hit on a person when they didn't even want to? And did he really expect it to work? Talk about out of the blue; the guy obviously didn't know the meaning of "the mood." She had to shake her head at his incompetence.

"Does that _ever_ work for you?" she asked, brow twisted in a mix of curiosity and disbelief. Part of her really wanted to know what he had been thinking, pulling a stunt like that. But, upon taking in his unresponsive, statue-like visage, she opted for the less time-consuming course and just gave a "hm," and continued on her way, leaving a still and silent Neji to ponder the cause of his failure.

* * *

"See."

"Uh huh," Naruto mumbled, pulling at his lip in thought. "But that's 'cause he let his stuffiness overtake his actions, not because we all suck, Ero-sennin."

"Yeah, yeah," the Sannin sighed, casting a look back down at the Hyuuga. "I guess I should go give some pointers to the incompetent prodigy." He turned to Naruto. "Go find some more unfortunate girls for you to try your come-ons on. And remember, stick to the "Cute and Cheesy Makes it Easy" section. Unless you _want_ to spend the rest of your afternoon being hunted down by a mob of angry, restraining order-bearing women."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto grumbled under his breath, as he took off, roof-hopping a few streets over.

Jiraiya stepped off the edge of the building to land next to the yet-to-move Hyuuga.

"When they walk away like that, it usually means that your attempt failed, so you should leave too and try your luck with someone else."

Neji turned toward Jiraiya, a faint frown creasing his features. "What am I doing wrong? I said the line perfectly."

"Clinically, yes; you said it right. But were you listening to yourself?" Jiraiya repeated Neji's recent words, imitating the youth with a flat, robotic voice, as he barely moved his jaw or lips to speak. "Next time, try not sounding constipated! Women tend to go for men who actually sound alive!" He shook his head, appalled by the Hyuuga's _horrific_ performance. Then a thought hit him and he went on, "And what's another thing, your timing is terrible."

"Excuse me?! I delivered the line in exactly four-point--"

"Yeah, yeah," Jiraiya interrupted with a wave of his hand. "You didn't rush the line and you didn't drag it out. That was fine. I'm talking about the time between greeting and using the line. I mean, you just walked up to her, a perfect stranger on the street, with no prior interaction, and you say your line in your monotonous monotone--because seriously, your tone makes _Sasuke_ sound like an excited little girl--and you actually expected that to work? You can't just spring it on them like that! There has to be some prior interaction, if only eye contact and an obvious preamble before an attempt can be made." He shook his head in disappointment. "I'm beginning to think I seriously miscalculated just how challenged you are."

"What?! I said it perfectly. So, I didn't say it with much emotion. What was I supposed to do? Leer at her and try to imitate some porn star by overemphasizing every word as if they're all innuendoes, when they aren't?"

The Sannin stepped back and gave Neji a quizzical look. "How do you know that's how adult film stars act?"

Neji's eyes widened slightly. "It's not how you think it is!" the Hyuuga prodigy sputtered, heat rising beneath his pale skin. "It's common knowledge, whether you've seen it or not--which I haven't!--that the acting is terrible in such...media productions." He cringed as he finished, unimpressed with even the possibility that someone might think he, Hyuuga Neji, partook in the viewing up such filth. The nerve!

"Mah. No need to get so defensive. Geez..." Jiraiya muttered, shrugging his broad shoulders in indifference. "Makes you look guilty when you do that. Not that there's anything to be embarrassed about." He flashed a mischievous grin. "I _am_ the Prodigy of Perversion; the Prince of Porn; the Hentai King! There's no need to be so conservative about your baser interests around me!"

"I have no interest in such! It was just a side comment! Nothing more!" Neji snapped, scanning the area with his wide vision to ensure that no spectators were amassing behind his back as the Sannin accused him of such unscrupulous activities. Please! He was as pure of mind as an infant!

"Yeah, yeah," the older man rumbled, lips still smiling knowingly, as though he knew it wouldn't remain as such for very long.

"I don't mean for you to overdo it," Jiraiya continued his lesson. "You just need to sound like you actually want to be hitting on her, rather than like you were put up to it by some sadistic superior."

Neji raised an eyebrow as he stared back blankly at the man before him.

"I'm training you!" Jiraiya said, defending himself from the unspoken accusation. "You think I'm doing this for my own pleasure? I don't find watching males fail spectacularly at the simple act of speaking to women to be a particularly stimulating activity." He paused, and then added, "Take the male element out, and then we might be getting somewhere more enthralling."

"Whatever," Neji grumbled, shifting slightly. His ego was taking a major blow here, what with his belly flop of a come-on attempt.

"At any rate, you need to try again." Jiraiya pointed down the street at two girls looking into a shop window. "Go forth and don't screw up! There needs to be a connection before the electricity can flow!" And with that, the Toad Sannin leapt up onto the roofs, his Naruto senses tingling, as he took off to coach another incompetent student.

* * *

"Be unique and different; say yes."

"No!"

"Aw, come on!" Naruto whined, grinning boyishly. "What type of person are you looking, anyway? Wait, don't tell me: medium height, blue eyes, shockingly blonde hair, and Konoha's next Hokage, dattebayo?"

"No."

"No?! Well, I'm telepathic, and I can tell that you love me," he said, self-assurance exuding from his being. "You do, right?"

"NO!"

"Crap." He snapped his fingers in defeat. "I always get "love" and "lust" mixed up."

"Actually, right now it's "annoyance"..." the poor girl, who was Naruto's target, muttered. "And why can't you take a hint? I don't even know you!"

"Oh, but you do! We've actually met before, dattebayo. Remember the dream you had of the perfect guy? I was the guy standing to his right."

"Oh, how wonderful," she exclaimed, falsely exuberant. Her voice became vapid as she went on, "Your mediocrity has wowed me."

Naruto was not yet dissuaded. After all, sarcasm wasn't something he picked up on easily. "Well, I can tell by the way you're ignoring me that you want me."

"Like a pebble in my sandal..." the girl murmured, resisting the urge to just kick the idiot in the knee and take off.

"Hey," Naruto said, perking up slightly as he studied her face with startlingly blue eyes. "What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off." He licked his thumb and attempted to wipe something off her cheek, sending the girl into a rigid, tightly wound stance. "Hey, it's not coming off, dattebayo!" he said, still pawing at her face.

A resounding "SMACK!!" echoed in the street, quickly followed by a screechy "Owww," and rapidly shuffling footsteps, as the girl took off down the street, intent on getting as far away from the psycho, who was now nursing a stinging cheek behind her, as she could.

"Hey, Naruto!" a voice called to the newly injured blonde. "What are you doing?"

The jinchuuriki looked up with troubled eyes as Kiba and Akamaru approached him.

"Training," he mumbled, gingerly rubbing his abused face. Still, it was nothing compared to the beatings he got from Sakura. Not. Even. Close.

"Really?" Kiba said, quirking a sceptical brow at his friend's condition. "'Cause it looks like you're getting your face beaten in by girls."

"It's a result of my failed attempts at training."

"What sort of training?" the Inuzuka asked, suddenly interested. What if it was some uber-awesome new jutsu he was working on? He couldn't have Naruto pulling ahead of him like this!

"Hitting on girls," was the sullen reply.

"What?!" Kiba shouted, anger building in his suddenly taut body. "But you're going out with Hinata-chan, you jerk! How dare you--?"

"Ah! It's not like that, Kiba, dattebayo!" Naruto quickly said, hands raised in a warding motion and eyes desperately honest. "It's more therapy than training, I guess. It's just to help me get over my fear of women, dattebayo!"

"Fear of women?" Kiba let out a few snorting laughs, his rage dissipated. "Who the heck is afraid of women?!"

"Me, Sasuke-teme, Neji, and Fuzzy-eyebrows. And don't laugh. I laughed at first. And I haven't laughed since." He shook his head, a distant look in his eyes, as though remembering some long-lost innocence.

"Well, it's easy enough to get over a fear like that!" the other male replied. "All you have to do is remember that they're more scared of you than you are of them."

"That's dogs, you idiot!" the blonde snapped, dismissing his peer's words with a careless wave.

"No way! Dogs aren't like that!" the Inuzuka answered sharply, seemingly insulted at the blonde's accusation.

"Arf!" Akamaru put in, equally offended, it would seem.

"Well then, what was that about?" Naruto asked, scratching his spiky head.

"Women! I'm telling you, it was women!" Kiba insisted, nodding his head, as though that alone could convince the other guy.

Naruto frowned, not satisfied. "But Sakura-chan thinks I'm funny when I try to be scary."

"Naruto," Kiba spoke, face set in a "think about it" look, "don't _you_ think you're funny when you try to be scary?"

"Well…yeah. I guess," he murmured.

"Is this why Hinata-chan's had more time to hang out with Shino and me lately? You're scared of her?" the Inuzuka let out a barking laugh, slapping his knee at the thought. "You're scared of Hinata-chan!"

"Shut up, Kiba!" Naruto growled, his face contorted into a something akin to a ready-to-attack fox mask. "I'm not scared of her, dattebayo. I just..." He sighed quietly. "I'm..._uncomfortable_ with the idea of being alone with her, lest she do inappropriate things to me." He hugged his arms tighter to his body at the thought.

""Inappropriate things"? What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Kiba demanded, anger flaring again, as did his nostrils. "Don't go saying things like that about Hinata-chan! She's a sweet, innocent girl who could do way better than the likes of you! So, don't even suggest that she could do something unconscionable. The only one I'm worried about being inappropriate is you!"

"What?!"

"You heard me!" Kiba snapped. His voice dropped to a low, threatening timbre, as he spoke, "I'm watching you, Naruto. If you do one thing--_one thing_--to upset her or make her uncomfortable, I'm gonna tear you a new one. No. There's not even going to _be_ anything left to tear when I'm done with you."

"Chill, Kiba," Naruto said, voice shaking mildly, despite his efforts to calm it. "I would _never_ do something like that, dattebayo."

"Yeah, whatever," the brunette muttered. "I'm still going to be watching. Screw up and I'll catch it. I will. Shino, too. And believe me, you _don't_ want to get that guy pissed off at you."

The blonde's eyebrows shot into his hairline at the thought of the aloof and _weird_ Shino attacking him with his creepy little bug minions.

"Come on, Akamaru," Kiba said, patting his dog on the head as they both continued down the street.

"Man," Naruto breathed, watching the dynamic duo leave. "I need to get back to normal and fast." He looked back in the direction his most recent victim had run off in. "But I'll never succeed if I can't even do _this_ properly, dattebayo." A frown marred his whiskered face. "How can someone as awesome as me do so poorly in this?"

"Well, I can tell you exactly what you're doing wrong," a rough voice spoke from above Naruto's head, closely followed by the soft sound of an experienced ninja landing on the ground, nothing more than a whisper of fabric as his body cut through the air.

Naruto turned to the man at his right, looking up at him with troubled expectation in his face.

Jiraiya set his arms akimbo and spoke, "You're _supposed_ walk up to them with a grin on your face that says, "Ladies! I'm going to say something to you that's going to make you fall all over me because of my charm," when it's really saying, "Hey there! I'm about to give you a poorly delivered and cheesy pickup line, so get ready to laugh and possibly slap me!" You've got to put on a face that exudes confidence, yet at the same time shows that you have a decent amount of humility. There has to be strength, but just enough fragility to intrigue her and draw her into your web of lies!"

"But, Ero-sennin, that's impossible!" Naruto whined, scuffing his feet on the dirt road. "What girl would ever believe that _I'm _fragile, dattebayo? I exude such pungent manliness, they'll never believe that I could be insecure!"

A low rumble sounded in the Sannin's throat, showing his displeasure with his student's ineptitude. "That right there is why your lines keep falling through. You're too busy ego-tripping to hold some of yourself back in order to ensure the success of your attempts. And if you can't even get a girl to stick around long enough to listen to your come-ons, you sure as hell are never going to carry a conversation with one. Which is why you're going to fail at this."

"I will not fail!" Naruto huffed, fists clenched and jaw set. "I can do this, dattebayo! I'll show you how to carry a conversation, Ero-sennin! Just you watch!" He paused, stance shifting to one of deep thought. "Hey, Ero-sennin. What should I talk about with them, once I get past the pickup lines and whatnot?"

"That," Jiraiya began, as he made his way toward the street corner, "is something you need to decide on your own, Naruto. But choose well. Even if you get to that point, if you mess it up, you still fail." He gave a careless wave just before he rounded the corner, and said, "Now I have to go see how your hopeless friend is doing. I've left him unattended this entire time. I fear what depthless pit of despair and uselessness he's cast himself into by now."

* * *

Jiraiya found his third student shrouded in the shadow of some nondescript shop, clearly brooding as he leaned against the wall.

"Sasuke. How goes the chick chasing?" he rumbled, strolling up to the pale shinobi before him.

"I give up," the Uchiha grumbled, almost inaudible, even to ninja-trained ears.

The Sannin sighed, rolling his eyes to the sky. "Have you even _tried_ a line on anyone yet?"

"No."

"Well, they don't work just by reading them!" he said, snatching the unopened tome from lax fingers and paging through it. "You have to say them to some sexy ladies!"

"I can't make myself do it," Sasuke murmured, seemingly uncomfortable with just talking about the possibility of performing such actions. "It's just not me."

Jiraiya looked up from the pages he was leafing through to stare seriously at the younger man. "Sasuke. Do you or do you not want to learn how to talk properly to Sakura, so you can convince her that you don't hate her but really want her to have your ten thousand children?"

There was a pause, wherein obvious irritation flashed across the ex-avenger's face, before he hissed out, "Yes."

"Well, that's not going to happen if you can't do something as simple as this. What? Are you going to go through life alone and pathetic just because hitting on girls isn't something you generally do?" He snapped the book against his palm as he continued, "Newsflash, Sasuke: What you usually do isn't working out so well for you right now. Failure awaits you at this day's end if you can't bring yourself to overcome that. I mean, what do you plan to do if, in your hesitancy to go the distance, your dear Sakura finds someone else? Someone who doesn't indiscriminately insult her and hurt her feelings with every word he speaks? Hmmm?"

"...I'll just go join a monastery."

A smile quirked Jiraiya's lips at the idea, knowing Sasuke was being sarcastic--or, in other words, as close to humorous as the guy got--but also seeing it as not entirely impossible, considering how messed the boy was. "Mmm. Yes. And be celibate for the rest of your life."

"Well, it's worked fine so far," Sasuke muttered, narrowing his eyes at a stray stone on the ground. (Was nothing safe from his death glare?)

"And so far, you've been pretty pathetic, haven't you? Now, I don't suppose to tell you what to do..." Jiraiya trailed off a bit before shoving the opened book in the Uchiha's face and continued, "but you are going to do this, so help me!!"

"It's not going to work," Sasuke snapped, frowning at the parchment before him and batting it away.

The Toad Sannin was not going to be dissuaded, as he shoved the book right back under Sasuke's nose. "It's _going_ to work," he insisted, nodding his head for emphasis.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is. Here. Use this one." He tapped a spot on the open page and flashed a confident grin.

"I'm not saying _that_," Sasuke snapped, wrinkling his nose at the hated words.

"Oh, come on! It'll work out just fine. Just make sure your face shows some change. Facial expression is key here." He emphasized his point by waving a hand across his face. "Now go do it!" the Sannin ordered, pointing across the street.

Sasuke grudgingly stalked over to the group of women Jiraiya had pointed out. They looked up when his shadow fell across their table and when their eyes met his, they nearly shot hearts out at him.

He grumbled internally at this. _Of course_ the line was going to work. He didn't even need to say the line and they'd be all over him.

_Vultures._

... ... ...

After extricating himself from the jungle that was the girls' arms, and using his speed to take refuge around the corner, where the "bright" women that they were would never think to look for him, Sasuke let out a deep, whooshing breath and leaned against a brick wall. That was another experience he would just as soon forget.

An uppity figure appeared next to him soon after, a chuckle booming through his chest.

"See! I told you it would work!" Jiraiya boasted, smacking the Uchiha on the arm as he did so.

"It didn't work," Sasuke murmured, tilting his head against the brick as he watched a small bird pass by overhead.

"_Nooo…_" Jiraiya deadpanned, rolling his eyes. "They were fawning all over you because of your _own_ suave pickup line."

"No. I didn't say anything," he sniffed. "They just attacked."

""Attacked…?"" the Sannin repeated, a serious, inquisitive face replacing his joking one. "You're telling me that you don't even have to say anything and they just latch onto you?"

"_Yes,_" the youth hissed through tight lips, feeling his shoulders twitch at just the thought of their surprisingly strong hands gripping his body like vices.

"But after they latch-on, you wow them with your words, right?" Jiraiya continued, leaning closer, captivated by the turn the conversation had taken. "They were rapt; you had to have said something."

"I didn't say anything," Sasuke sighed, bored with the monotony of the situation. "That's just how they act. They just start yakking and giggling over goodness-knows what. I don't talk. I _can't_ talk. It's impossible to get a word in."

"So," the older man began slowly, formulating his theory as he spoke, "it's safe to assume that, in your entire life, you've never had a conversation with a woman that didn't revolve around a mission? And your mom doesn't count."

"That's…fairly accurate. Yes."

"My smut!" the Toad Sannin half-shouted, his eyes wide with excitement. "You're a freaking god! You can get tail like that without having to think of conversation topics?! Oh that all men had it so easy!"

"But, him not needing to hold conversations with girls is a double-edged sword, Jiraiya-sama," a calm, deep voice spoke above the pair. They didn't have to look up to know that Kakashi had just poofed into existence on the lamppost next to them. "He's had no experience with talking to females, and now that he needs it with Sakura, he doesn't know how."

"Indeed," Jiraiya hummed. "And because of that, you fail horribly at this task, Sasuke. The point was to woo women with your _words_, so you can practice proper conversation tactics with girls, in order to fix that little runaway mouth problem you have. You didn't do that."

"Tch. It's not my fault they don't wait to listen to me," the male in question muttered, casting a dark glance to the side as his brooding aura became heavier.

"Ah, but it is!" Jiraiya countered, hand raised in the air in a motion to make a point. "You have an intimidating presence, Sasuke, but you're reluctant to use it when you approach women, which they can sense. They know that they'll have to make the first move if they want to talk to you. You need to make them believe that you _want_ something from them, that way they'll be more inclined to give you time to speak before they "_attack_" you. Because in your current state, the women are running the conversations you're in with them. You are not in control of the situation. That's why you fail!"

The ex-avenger let out an irritated, and mildly frustrated, sigh. "And how would I go about gaining control of the situation, then?" he muttered out the side of his mouth, clearly loathe to admit that he was willing to learn how; that he was going to actually attempt this again.

"How do you control any of the other conversations you've had in your life?" Kakashi asked, lone eye on his stolen reading material, though he tried to hide it by putting it inside an open copy of one of Jiraiya's older works to make it look as though that was what he was reading, which just brought the Sannin to roll his eyes and mutter something about not having to hide it, he could just have the bloody thing, it was no problem. "And I don't mean with girls," the Copy-nin continued. "I mean with anyone. I know such experiences are few and far between, but try to conjure up a memory of when you were talking with someone for about five minutes or longer."

Sasuke's brow furrowed slightly in concentration as he tried to follow Kakashi's direction. It was difficult, but he finally managed to dredge up a memory or two.

"Okay. So?"

"So, were you passive and acquiescent to whoever you were speaking with?"

"No," Sasuke answered hesitantly with a frown.

"No, you weren't. You were vocal and made your ideas clear. In fact, you probably led most of those conversations."

"I suppose..."

"Well, that's all Jiraiya-sama is talking about. He just wants you to use your presence--your nature--when approaching this task. Be the intimidating jerk we all know you are, but with tact," Kakashi finished, an innocent smile curving his mask as his ex-student glowered up at him at his last comment.

The Sannin nodded his head in agreement. "And with that in mind, why don't you go give it another go?" he said, gesturing in the direction of a woman up the street.

"I--" Sasuke began, but was cut off.

"We won't hang around to watch you, so don't be shy," Kakashi spoke, a smile in his voice.

Jiraiya hummed his agreement. "We'll go check on the other two, so go make a few more attempts. And remember: make your intentions clear. Own the conversation. You're as wilful as they come, but you go all wishy-washy when you're around women. Don't let it happen again."

And with that, Sasuke was left alone with his teachers' words ringing in his mind and a red book clutched against his side.

Tentatively, he raised the book to chest level and opened its pages.

"If this doesn't work, I'll kill them," he muttered under his breath.

* * *

It was a long, arduous process, but... Well... No. Forget it.

Sasuke was screwed.

Plain and simple.

It didn't matter how forward he tried to be or how intimidating he allowed his presence to be, the girls...they just kept walking all over him! He could make a seasoned ANBU trip in his step at a mere flare of his chakra, but a bunch of twittering fan-girls weren't in the least bit fazed by his most overbearing look.

What the heck was the deal with these girls, anyway? Were his intimidation techniques just useless on females, or were they just incapable of sensing the vibes he was sending out?

They were impossible. He had managed to get a pickup line out a grand total of two times in his eleven attempts, now. Two. And Sasuke was almost completely certain that the women he had been approaching on those individual times hadn't really even heard him, considering how their following actions and words had absolutely no correlation to what he had said. It was insanity.

And the hands... Oh, goodness, how he _loathed_ the existence of hands. They were everywhere; groping and feeling, grabbing and squeezing. Sasuke was on the verge of either dismembering said appendages from his assailants or hyperventilating due to the severe discomfort and flashback-inducing panic he was having trouble controlling.

He needed to get out of there. Lonely future be damned, he couldn't stand a second more of this!

With a simple hand seal, the Uchiha disappeared from the women's midst, sending a shock through them as they realized that the firm, warm, and pretty, pretty flesh they had been molesting had been replaced by a rough log.

He peeked around the corner of a small shop just up the street, making sure none of his attackers had realized where he had gone. Not that there was really any risk of that. They were all villagers, with not a shinobi among them. That and judging by their _stimulating_ choices of conversation, they weren't scholars of their generation, either.

Pulling back around to lean against the wooden siding of his cover, Sasuke let out a deep exhale and set his head back against the wall. This was getting old. There had to be a better way. There just had to be. There was no way he could give that another try. Just no way. Every man had his limits; this was Sasuke's.

"Sasuke-kun? What were you doing?"

Sasuke froze. Oh, lord of vengeance; please let him have imagined that.

"Sasuke-kun…were you…_flirting_ with those girls?"

The Uchiha had to bite his tongue to keep himself form correcting Sakura by telling her that _he_ wasn't the one flirting, since none of the girls would let him get a word in edge-wise. Sakura wouldn't see the difference; he, Uchiha Sasuke, had willingly been in the presence of women and hadn't been expressing any irritation with them--at least not outwardly. That alone damned him in her eyes. No explanation would make her see the situation as anything but what the exercise was meant to emulate: Sasuke was out hitting on chicks.

"Sasuke-kun, if you're hitting on girls, then that must mean…"

Ah, well. Now some good might come from this awkward situation, yet. If Sakura thought Sasuke was going after girls she would no longer think he was gay, which would really help him with clearing up that little misunderstanding. But, the kunoichi seemed to be having some difficulty wrapping her mind around this new development, so Sasuke thought he would nudge her along the right path to the truth about him.

"Aa, I was," he spoke gruffly, trying not to be self-conscious of the rather alien circumstances he was in.

_Once she realizes that I like women, she will be more receptive to and more likely to respond to my…attempts._

But, Sasuke's positive thinking was brought to a screeching halt when the pink-head responded, "Since when do you go for women? Is it just something new you wanted to try, or are you just that deep in denial?"

"I… What?!"

"This isn't going to make your life any less confusing or unhappy, Sasuke-kun. Turning yourself into a lecher won't change anything about what you really want."

Sasuke felt his pulse slow to a sleeping rhythm, as he reined in his irritation. She hadn't outright said anything, but Sasuke knew darn well what she had been referring to.

"You need to stop talking about things you know nothing about," he spoke lowly.

"I know enough to realize that what you were doing just now was not something you enjoyed doing," she countered, chin raised in defiance. "I know that you would have preferred those girls to be someone else."

Sasuke's hopes _almost_ rose as she said those words; almost made him think that she had figured it out. But then, if she knew who he really wanted those girls to be, she wouldn't look so sad then, would she?

"I guess I should thank you," she spoke quietly, eyes cast in shadow. "You could have easily taken advantage of my…feelings, to have saved yourself the trouble of looking for a suitable…placeholder companion, as you try to figure yourself out, but you didn't. So, I'm grateful that you didn't do that."

"A placeholder…?" Sasuke repeated, pausing a moment as he realized what she meant. "Sakura, I have no idea where you came up with that, but it's not even close to what I've been doing."

"Then what have you been doing?" she asked quietly, shoulders hunched in slightly, as though subconsciously trying to protect her. "You've been acting so strange… I could help you, Sasuke-kun."

"You can't help me with this, Sakura. It's beyond your scope--And I don't mean it in terms of your shinobi abilities or intellect," he quickly added the last part, seeing her narrowing eyes. "I just mean this isn't something that you're suited to helping me with."

"But any random woman you meet on the street is?" she said, condescension veiling her damaged emotions. "So, what are the requirements for being able to help you, then? Let's see… Judging by the girls who you deemed _worthy_ of the task, I'd say big-breasted, curvy-bodied, and ditzy are the three _rare_ qualities you're looking for in someone to help you with your "special" issues. So stereotypical, Sasuke-kun." She shook her head, unimpressed. "It just makes your trouble that much more obvious."

"My "trouble," as you put it," he ground out, "is not what you're implying, so it's not really making anything obvious. And you don't know what this is all about, so I would appreciate it if you would stop acting as though you do. Just because you think you're right doesn't mean that you are. You shouldn't assume things."

"I suppose you're right, Sasuke-kun. How could I possibly know what you're thinking? I shouldn't assume. I just don't have anything else to go on…" she mumbled, trailing off as her eyes fled from his to the unimposing blankness of the ground.

Her green eyes were distant as she looked down the street. Completely unreadable, which disturbed Sasuke, even if he couldn't name the source of his discomfort. She was a wall in that moment. Sakura was never so emotionless; frozen and dull--the opposite of all that she was.

"Naruto's calling you," she absently observed, watching the waving blonde as he shouted at his unresponsive team-mate, as well as a greeting to Sakura.

Sasuke cast a quick look at his friend and realized that it was probably time to regroup. Sakura was watching Naruto with a wistful eye, as though she coveted something but had the grace to let it go. Sasuke frowned as he began walking up the street, not liking what he was certain she was wishing she had that she thought the blonde had.

_I have got to make some headway in this training soon. I need to convince her about the truth, instead of letting her continue to believe her wrong thoughts, just because I don't know how to talk to her properly._

He recalled Jiraiya's instructions from earlier, to make his intentions clear. But it was easier said than done. Especially when Sakura was so resigned to the contrary of what he meant. If she could just raise her hopes again, she might notice the intentions behind his screw-ups. She might see what she had always hoped for.

But, as of yet, she didn't see such. She had no hopes about Uchiha Sasuke. She just watched his back grow smaller as he walked away with Naruto.

_Always Naruto…_

But she wasn't entirely certain about Sasuke's orientation anymore. Initially, it had seemed like a possibility. But after his adamant denials and skirt-chasing, she wasn't so sure. Then again, he hadn't really seemed into his pursuits…

_Either way, _she thought, _I'm way outclassed. If it's guys, I never had a chance from the start. And if it's girls, he's obviously only interested in women who are buxom, curvy, and all-around gorgeous._ She cast a tired glance at her reflection in a shop window. _Whichever it is, it's the direct opposite of me that he's after._

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Man, I had quite the bit of trouble getting this one out. The crack! just wasn't liking me with this one, so I apologize if it isn't up to snuff (which I know it's not). And it would seem that more angst seeped in than I intended. Meh. I realize that I didn't actually write Sasuke using any pickup lines, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The after-effects of his attempts were more important anyway, what with him still not being able to actually talk to women.

The next chapter should be out in a few days. Really I could have put it out with this one, but I didn't feel like going through and editing it right now.

Mr. Clicky has an itch that only YOU can scratch! Give him a visit and please review.


	6. The Art of Speech

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated my some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Chapter 6: The Art of Speech**

"Okay, so maybe I overlooked a step here," Jiraiya rumbled, scrubbing a hand over his scruffy face; the man looked as though he hadn't slept in days. "Before sending you out to try your hands at initiating contact with girls through pickup lines, and then holding conversations with them, I should have made sure that you were actually capable of proper speech! Of course, one would naturally assume that such would be unnecessary, since most half-normal people can carry a proper conversation, if only by lying their way through it! Naruto, once again, outshone you other two!"

The blonde grinned cheekily. "I'm _that_ awesome!"

"Shut up, Naruto," the Sannin snapped. "I didn't mean it as a complement. You were _terrible_. You were just marginally less terrible than Neji and Sasuke."

"Hey! I got pretty tight with a few of them," Naruto insisted, snapping his finger in the air to emphasize his point.

"Yeah, and then you opened up a conversation that should have never, _ever_ come into existence!" He gave Naruto a serious look, appearing every bit like a disapproving father whose son had just back-sassed him. "Going on about the mysteries of what happens to your male anatomy when you use your Oiroke no Jutsu, does not constitute exemplary conversation tactics."

"Well, I just wonder where it all goes, is all, dattebayo," Naruto defended, shrugging at the odd looks his peers were sending his way. "I've tried to figure it out but I just can't tell!"

"Yes, well, I have it on very good authority that no woman wants to hear about your disappearing attributes, which makes it a "Hell No!" topic of conversation."

"Well, at least I got to that point!" the blonde huffed, setting a hand on his hip and waving the other in a "pshaw" motion. He then jabbed an accusing thumb in his peers' direction as he continued, "Neither of these two losers got anywhere close!"

Said losers cast heavy glares at the Uzumaki, but he remained oblivious, as he often was.

With a hiss underlying his words, Sasuke spat, "But if we had, we definitely wouldn't have chosen such a moronic topic to discuss, _dobe_."

Naruto jumped into an accusing stance, which doubled as his defensive stance, as Naruto's mode of defence was usually attacking others. "Hey!" he cried, defensive/offensive finger jabbing the air. "I just didn't think they'd take it as innuendo and start screaming for help, like they did. I mean, it's just anatomy, right? They know I've got it, and when I turn into a girl, I become similar to them, which means they know I wouldn't have it then, so it seemed to open up that direction for talk, you know, what with the mutual understanding of the differences in our anatomies."

The room's four other occupants' eyes narrowed to disbelieving slits as they watched the blonde's "justification" for his choice of discussion.

Sasuke's dark head shook slowly, giving his rival a "Who are you?" look. "Dobe...that makes absolutely no sense."

"It does so!" Naruto shouted, voice climbing dangerously close to his ear-bleeding screech. He poked a finger at Sasuke's face, breaching the inner barrier of the Uchiha's metre-wide safety zone, as he spoke, "Somewhere in that teme-ish mind of yours, you _know_ it makes sense."

"On what level?"

"On _my_ level, dattebayo!"

"I'm sorry but my mind doesn't work on "_retarded._"" Sasuke sniffed, arrogance practically exuding from his pores.

"And _that's _why you don't rock like me! I--Hey!" Naruto's face contorted into a scowl as the insult finally sank in. "I'm not retarded, dattebayo!"

"Never said you were," Sasuke said breezily, turning away from the seething ninja before him. "At least not today," he added, half-mumbled.

"Tsunade-baa-chan said I'm intellectually developmentally challenged, dattebayo!" the jinchuuriki insisted, shaking his head at his teammate's idiocy; they were _completely_ different things!

The Uchiha gave a quiet snort. "And that's just the politically correct way of saying _retarded_."

"No it's not! It is what it is, teme! It can't be something else!"

"Of course it can be! They're synonymous! They mean the same thing!" His voice went patronizingly mellow as he continued, "For example, if I said, "usuratonkachi," or, "dobe," they would both refer to the same thing: You!"

"Why you--!"

"That's enough!" Jiraiya bellowed, gripping Naruto's collar just as the blonde lunged for the Uchiha, teeth bared and fingers clawing for purchase on his target's being. But he was just swiping at air, his reach falling just ten centimetres short of his goal.

"Ero-sennin! Why are you protecting him?!" the jinchuuriki whined, still futilely flailing in Sasuke's direction, snarling when he noticed the other male's smirk widen at Naruto's situation.

"I'm not protecting him, it's just that you're the only one who's trying to attack," Jiraiya sighed, rolling his eyes as his student relentlessly tried to continue his attempted assault. "Just give it a rest already!"

"Fine! I'll be the bigger man and let it go," Naruto said, eyes closing as he raised his head and straightened his shoulders in a stance of dignity and poise.

"Actually, since you were the one who started it, and I didn't so much as retaliate, you're only the bigger man if you apologize," Sasuke said smugly, lips tilting upward at their corners.

Naruto seemed to blanch at that, and when he looked for confirmation from Neji--the authority on all etiquette-related things and basically anything overly controlled and structured like that--the Hyuuga answered with his patented closed-eye nod.

The blonde furrowed his entire face in a frown and then stuck his nose in the air, head turned to the side as he spat, "Well screw _that_."

"Bigger man, indeed," Jiraiya muttered to himself, eyes cast to the dark ceiling.

The dry sound of paper sliding against fingers came from Kakashi's post by the shabbily covered window on the other side of the room. His eye didn't leave his new, stolen reading material (hidden in a different volume of _Icha Icha _than he had used last time, apparently to throw off suspicion) as he spoke, "Jiraiya-sama, today's exercise has a specific start time; shouldn't we brief them?"

The Toad Sannin huffed out a sigh, as he nodded and said, "You're right; we need to get started."

The three would-be ladies' men turned their attention on their teacher, loathe to engage in yet another disaster spurred by the Perverted Hermit, but seeing no alternative.

Jiraiya assessed his three charges with a steady gaze. They were pitiful. Absolute train wrecks, each and every one of them. By all rights, he should drop their pathetic persons and just go find a gentleman's club somewhere, to spend the rest of the day in the midst of lovely ladies and never-ending sake. Man, that would be so sweet! That was where he would love to be, really. So what was keeping him here, with three incompetent boys who couldn't even talk to a girl without getting tongue-tied or petrified for fear of having their (oh, kill him now) _innocence_ stolen from them? And then there was the matter of his fourth student...

All of Jiraiya's spare time--when he wasn't berating the three morons before him for screwing up monumentally--was devoted to working with Lee, that poor, damaged soul. His therapy was intensive and highly perilous. Jiraiya had told Gai as much, which was why the man was hovering outside the secluded location Lee was sequestered in, wringing his hands and crying to the Power of Youth to bring his precious and adorable student through his ordeal.

In all honesty, Jiraiya didn't know what was going to come of it. The guy could be cured by the end of it, or he might end up so thoroughly ruined that he would have to be institutionalized.

The Sannin justified putting Lee through a therapy with such high risk because he figured, with the scarring Sasuke had already put him through, Lee was headed for the loony bin as it was, so the dangers involved in the experimental treatment were justified by the inevitable outcome of taking no action at all.

This therapy, along with Lee's, had escalated to the point where it consumed all of Jiraiya's waking hours, and even his sleep, as he had barely gotten more than three hours of rest last night, with not much better results for the nights preceding. There was just this nagging, almost desperate _need_ to fix these young men; to bring them back to the state they ought to be. He couldn't explain it. It was just..._wrong_. So very wrong. That young, heterosexual males like them would be so completely adverse to the world's greatest and most exhilarating pursuit--the pursuit of women--completely and in all ways horrified Jiraiya. He was _disturbed_ by the very thought of it. And he _had_ to fix it.

"Gentlemen," Jiraiya rumbled, catching each individual's gaze before he continued, "today you will be training yourselves in the fundamental and all-important art of one-on-one conversation with a woman. How can you engage a woman's interest in a romantic setting if you can't even converse with a woman with whom you have no romantic interest in? You can't! That's why you all failed so spectacularly at the last task."

Neji moved slightly, drawing the Sannin's attention to his frowning face. "But, I'm not trying to engage a woman in a romantic capacity," he spoke. "Naruto and Sasuke are the only ones who need that sort of training. I just want to stop fearing them."

Jiraiya waved Neji's words off with a careless hand. "Women are women. Interested or not, you have to speak to them the same. However, the non-romantic situation is a lot less stressful and less easy to botch than the romantic situation is, which is why you will be engaging in this next activity with girls you are familiar with, but who you are not involved with or aiming to be involved with." He gave the three shinobi pointed looks, gauging their dispositions.

Naruto didn't quite understand the plan, Jiraiya observed, as the blonde was nodding sagely in that oblivious manner of his. Neji was nervous. The Hyuuga was, by all appearances, calm and collected, but Jiraiya's trained eyes could see the tensing of his facial muscles as he clenched his jaw slightly. Sasuke was as stoic as Neji seemed, but like Neji, he was just hiding his discomfort under layers of frigidity; appearing unmoved outwardly while crying like a baby, rocking back and forth for comfort, inwardly. Oh, it had to be the most painful for him. That guy was a walking, breathing example of Murphy's Law as it applied to conversation. Jiraiya held every belief that, left to his own devices, Sasuke would _literally_ dig his own grave with his mouth. He was just unfortunately talented like that.

"That said," the Sannin continued, "I will now assign you to your conversation partners." He met Naruto's blue gaze. "You will be conversing with..." he cast a quick, questioning look to Neji as he spoke, "Tenten?" With a confirming nod from the Hyuuga that that was indeed the right name, Jiraiya reiterated, with more conviction, "You will be conversing with Tenten. Neji, you will be chatting up Sakura."

The pale shinobi seemed to blanch slightly at that, but made no protest.

"And Sasuke, that leaves you with Hinata."

"Hey! Why does Neji get Sakura-chan?! I wanted to go with her!" Naruto whined, huffing at the injustice of his situation.

"You can't go with Sakura, Naruto. She'll beat the crap out of you the moment you open your mouth," Kakashi explained, shifting against the windowsill, continuing his enjoyment of his treasured reading material. "Plus, you're too familiar with her. Jiraiya-sama wants you to talk with people you don't normally interact with closely, to give you a closer experience to that which you would have had, had you succeeded in the previous lesson and managed a conversation with one of the girls you hit on yesterday. You know Tenten, but you're not terribly close to her, which is why she's the best match for you in this task." He turned a page as he went on, "If you were to be paired with Sakura, you would have the advantage of knowing her interests, speech patterns, and probable reactions to your words. You wouldn't have to improvise or study her reactions as much as you would with someone you are less familiar with, which won't help you much with this lesson, which aims to have you exercise your on-the-fly conversation skills. Being able to control and adapt to the situation with an unfamiliar woman is intrinsic to you getting over your fear of women."

"So then, why don't we just strike up a conversation with some random girls on the street?" Naruto asked, frowning slightly. "Why do we have to risk getting the girls we know angry at us with our failures?"

"That is precisely why you're going to do this with the females you are acquainted with," Jiraiya answered, arms crossed and stance immovable. "Too much damage was caused with yesterday's fiasco; I can't justify exposing those poor village girls to your incompetence again. If women must be scarred by this experience, it will be those who can make you regret it, through much pain and suffering, if you screw up that badly again."

A collective cringe seemed to flow across the three shinobi's faces.

The Sannin grinned dangerously at Neji. "You especially ought to stay on your guard. Keep your mind ahead of your mouth, or else you might get a taste of what Sasuke was served when he failed the first lesson."

Neji didn't seem quite convinced of what Jiraiya was telling him. "Surely Haruno-san wouldn't lose her composure over an innocent slip of the tongue."

A low chuckle sounded from Kakashi's corner, as Jiraiya's grin widened and Naruto smiled obligingly at the obviously confused Hyuuga.

"Ah, Neji. Dear, naive Neji," Naruto sighed, placing his hands in his pockets as he rocked back on his heels, the picture of a man who was seeing his past innocence reflected in another's green beliefs. He stared intently into Neji's white eyes as he explained, "Let's make this clear, shall we? Sakura-chan will lose it over something as trivial as saying "yeah" two times in a row. She hates rambling stories and will beat that point into your skull if you happen to be telling one. Even complements aren't safe territory. For example, when mentioning her crazy strength, don't call it "inhuman" or "freakish"; it won't pan out." He shook his head at the memory of committing such transgressions. Or, rather, he shook his head at the _lack_ of memory of committing such transgressions; those beatings had taken their toll, after all. First-hand accounts from other people was where he had gotten the information he had just imparted to Neji, not from his memory of the actual event.

"So basically, I just have to make sure I don't talk as you do and I'll be fine," Neji deadpanned, watching Naruto with dull eyes.

"That's about the gist of it," Kakashi answered instead of Naruto, who didn't seem to catch the small barb at his expense. "He's the only one she ever really gets physically violent with." Looking up, a thoughtful glint in his eye, Kakashi added, "And Sasuke. Don't talk as Sasuke does, either. There's a chance you could end up losing some part of you that you value if you shoot your mouth off like he's been doing."

The male in question stiffened at the mention of his rather egregious errors.

"Well, I doubt I'll have to worry about such," Neji sniffed, eyes closing in his self-assured manner. "I'm not one to throw out insults at someone I have need of."

"Mmm. Yes, well, it's more than that," Jiraiya hummed, leaning against his highly disorganized desk. "You also have to be aware of double-meaning. What you mean and what she hears can be two different things. That's how Sasuke ended up angering Sakura as he did. Choose your words carefully with her."

Neji gave a curt nod in acknowledgement. It couldn't be too difficult. Just watch his words; stick to neutral topics. Don't piss her off. He could do that.

"That's the same point I've been trying to drill into Sasuke's head: clarify. Don't leave room for ambiguity. If you have to, be painfully blunt. Sometimes that's the only way to escape a potentially volatile situation." He gave Sasuke a sideways look. "Why you can't bring yourself to do that is beyond me."

"I'm sure it's beyond him as well, Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi said before Sasuke could snap at the older man.

"Hm, indeed," the Sannin agreed. Turning to Kakashi, he asked, "What are their locations and statuses?"

"Tenten is currently at Team Gai's old training grounds, under the impression that Neji will be meeting her there for training, so Naruto can move out immediately. Hinata is occupied at the moment, and won't be going to the park, where she thinks she'll be meeting Naruto, for about a half hour, so Sasuke will have to wait a little before he can set out. And Sakura is working in the hospital all day, so any time is as good as any for Neji to seek her out, though she does have a set break in about fifteen minutes. If he goes now, she might actually take her break to talk to him," the Copy-nin answered, relaying the intel on the situations that he himself had set into motion.

"Okay, you heard him," Jiraiya boomed, turning back to his students. He flashed a grin as he spoke, "Kakashi has arranged it so your lady friends are going to be in the places he just mentioned, at the times he said. We had wanted to ensure that they would be alone when you approached them, but Sakura had to work at the hospital today, so, Neji, you'll have to rely on following Kakashi's advice and get to her near her break time. Apparently she doesn't generally take her breaks, but if you're there and needing time with her, odds are she will take it so you can talk." He eyed Naruto before continuing. "You are to go to Team Gai's old training grounds to meet Tenten. Remember, she will be expecting Neji, so explain to her that he won't be coming and he asked that you let her know. Sasuke," he turned his attention to the Uchiha, "the same goes for you. Hinata thinks Naruto will be at the park; you will explain that he sent you to let her know that he couldn't make it.

"We've set you three up as perfectly as we could for this. The rest is up to you." Jiraiya cast a surveying look over the three young ninja before him, a commander assessing his crew. "Don't screw it up."

* * *

"Well, I mean, what are your thoughts on it, Tenten-chan?"

"I…don't know, Naruto," the Weapons Mistress sighed, holding her face in her hand, pretending she was somewhere else. Like, in an ANBU interrogation room being questioned, as only ANBU can, i.e. painfully. Because that would be so much more pleasant. Truly, it would.

"Come on! I'm fresh out of ideas here, dattebayo!" Naruto whined, slapping the trunk of the tree Tenten was perched in.

"I don't know what to think about it." She grimaced and added with a mutter, "I don't _want_ to think about it."

"Nothing at all?" Naruto asked, voice falling to a disappointed sigh, and he seemed to lose most of the energy he had come bounding into the clearing with not five minutes earlier, claiming to have just (_coincidentally_, he had stressed) stumbled upon her, waiting there in her tree.

"No, I'm afraid not," Tenten breezed, not feeling any guilt for not putting much effort into this particular conversation.

Silence fell on the duo in the training grounds for a time, as the blonde pouted at the lack of answers from his companion.

But, soon after, he perked up and turned _glowing_ blue eyes up to her, looking as though he had just discovered the answer to the world's troubles. "Well, what about if it like, goes to some alternate dimension and it's just _hanging_ there, suspended in air, and the people there are all like, "What the hell is that?!"?"

"Henge is not a space-time jutsu, Naruto," Tenten sighed, rolling her eyes, "so I doubt that your…_package_ is transported to another dimension when you turn into a girl."

"I suppose…" Naruto mumbled, frowning in dissatisfaction. "But maybe it does something similar to that, dattebayo! I mean, how can we be completely sure that my junk doesn't--?"

"Okay! You know what?!" Tenten shouted, no longer able to control her revulsion at the topic at hand. "You need to learn the art of shutting up! I _really_ don't feel comfortable discussing this with you!" She frowned, assessing the male in front of her. "And why are you even here, anyway? Neji is supposed to be here to train with me, but instead, you show up."

Naruto held back a grin, thinking on how easily Kakashi-sensei could manipulate the people around him, making the girls think they were agreeing to meetings with their team-mate or boyfriend when they were really just falling into the Copy-nin's master plan. Dude was dangerous.

His face was falsely sullen when he replied, "Well, actually, Neji won't be coming to training today."

"Why not?" Realization seemed to shift her face into a controlled, condescending smirk. "Eh! Is this about me threatening to chop off his hair and poke his eyes with senbon? Because I only meant that if he kept spying on me. Using his Byakugan on me during training is okay."

Naruto waved off her words, trying not to snicker at the circumstances surrounding Neji's failure at their first lesson. "Aw, that's not why he isn't here, Tenten-chan. He's got something else he needed to do, so he sent me to tell you that he won't be coming. That's why I'm here, dattebayo."

A sharp light edged Tenten's eyes as she snapped her full attention on the blonde before her. "I thought you were wandering through the training grounds and just happened to find me. "_Coincidentally,_" you said; just stumbled upon me here."

A cold flush swept through Naruto, from his scalp to his toes. A (_very_) small part of his brain was screaming, "Danger! Proceed with caution!" but the larger part was saying the none too helpful mantra, "Oops! Oh hell... Lie! Lie like you've never lied before!" You needn't be a psychologist to figure out which voice he listened to.

"Ahh... Well... Yeah. That's...what I was doing," he stuttered out, standing rigid and awkward under Tenten's overbearing (quite literally; she was still in the tree) gaze. "I was wandering, as I often do, and I just happened to stumble upon you and it worked out pretty good what with me having that message for you from Neji and all, dattebayo. Eh heh heh." He rubbed the back of his spiky head, failing miserably at appearing relaxed, as he kept dancing in his spot, keeping himself a good two metres back from his female companion.

Tenten stared down at him with eyes narrowed to calculating slits. She knew a terrified boy when she saw one. "Right," she drawled, rolling her eyes to the sky. "What's going on, Naruto? You are acting like you're in danger of being mauled to death and--"

The Uzumaki's eyes widened comically in a look of pure horror, and Tenten wouldn't have been surprised if they had popped completely out of his skull. "Am I?!" he shrieked, hugging himself tightly. "Oh, _please_, Tenten-chan!" he cried, casting himself to his knees in a pleading stance. "I swear I'll do anything you ask, just please don't lay your molesting mitts on me!"

A vein nearly burst in her forehead at that last comment, as Tenten scowled down at the blonde. "Naruto! Shut up! Geez, you're acting just like Neji! Thinking I'm going to molest him..." She shook her head at the memory. "What the heck is going on? I heard Hinata say that both of you have been off for the past week, or so. And Lee was acting extremely strange a few days ago, and that's saying something for him. And now he's gone _missing_. What's the deal?"

"Noth-_Nothing_ is going on, Tenten-chan! That's just crazy-talk! You're talking crazy! Heh heh. _Ah! _No, no! Put the kodachi away! We don't need that!"

"We do if you aren't going to talk," the Weapons Mistress spoke sweetly, having leapt down from her seat in the tree she now had Naruto pinned to, a freshly sharpened kodachi hovering over his throat. Not that she'd actually use it on him, but the guy was so petrified of being in such close proximity to a female, he wasn't going to come to that realization any time soon.

"No, no!" he squeaked, trembling under the imposing metal. "I'll talk! I'll talk! I swear, dattebayo! But a slit throat can't speak, right?" His brows raised in question as he attempted his best puppy eyes look.

Such weak attempts were ineffective on a woman seeking the truth.

"But it's useless to me if you don't start yakking, so..." She pressed the cool metal against his skin, ever so softly, but it was enough to break the panicky male.

"Eep! Okay! I'm talking! Just listen to me!" he whimpered, suddenly aware of her hand holding his wrists in an iron grip, preventing him from making seals. It wasn't the inability to use hand seals that made him uncomfortable, though. It was the contact. A shiver of uncontrolled revulsion at being touched shimmied its way up and down Naruto's spine. But he had to talk through it. That was the only way to escape this vile woman's clutches. "I...wasn't wandering around aimlessly," he spoke hesitantly, eyes shifting about in a desperate search for escape, even as he knew he wouldn't find anything that would help. "I came here to see you. And Neji didn't send me to tell you that he couldn't make it." A sudden idea hit the blonde. And that wasn't a good thing. "But he _did_ send me to give you a message, dattebayo," He grinned fondly, purposely putting on the face of an obliging friend, seemingly forgetting his previous discomfort. "You see, the guy is so _shy_. Everyone thinks Hinata-chan is the timid one, but Neji's right up there with her when it comes to matters of...the _heart_."

Tenten's face shifted into a full-on frown. Confused didn't even begin to describe the state her mind was in, which was why all she could respond with was, "_What?_"

The jinchuuriki sighed fondly, maintaining the pretence of finding the Hyuuga's apparent timidity amusing. "Neji has been trying to do this for years now, but he finally realized that he's too much of a pansy to do it himself, so he asked me, the manliest man he knows, to do it for him. And I, being the embodiment of awesome that I am, gladly agreed, dattebayo." He paused, forcing his face into a serious facade, overpowering the mischievous grin that threatened to ruin the whole charade. "You see, Neji really admires you, Tenten-chan. And he would like to ask you on a date, but like I said, he's too much of a wuss to do it. So, I'm doing it for him."

"Really?" the kunoichi said, voice vapid as she was clearly not buying Naruto's story, not that the blonde could tell. "Neji asked you to ask me on a date for him because he's too _shy_ to do it himself?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded, the movement too pronounced to be authentic.

_She'll never say yes, _he thought to himself, smirking inwardly._ She's pissed at him right now and the way she thinks he's going about it will turn her off from the idea even more. I'll be safe and with absolutely no consequences! Oh, I'm awesome, dattebayo!_

"Okay."

"What?" Naruto's attention was snapped from his internal ego trip, surprise making his voice screech when he asked his question.

"I said, okay," Tenten answered with a smile. "I'll go out with him. Tomorrow at seven, got it?" Oh, she knew the little scamp before her was lying through his teeth. There wasn't a chance in heaven or hell that Neji put Naruto up to this. It was in complete opposition to his character. Not to mention, Tenten knew the Hyuuga better than almost anyone; Neji was not shy. Regardless of the situation, he would never hide behind another guy to avoid discomfort. She would call Naruto's bluff on this one. It was guaranteed to be entertaining.

"O... Okay," the blonde mumbled, pasting on a plastic grin that couldn't wipe away the panicky, frozen look his usually vibrant eyes had taken on.

"But, can I ask, where is Neji? This was going to be the first time we've trained together in a week. We usually train every other day."

"Eh, heh heh!" Naruto chuckled, thinking on what potentially awaited the Hyuuga if he wasn't careful. "He took a little trip to the hospital. He needed Sakura-chan's _healing_ help, dattebayo."

* * *

"_You!_ Keep your hands to yourself! Or else I'll break your limbs and _no one_ in this hospital will heal them for you! You'll have to go to Iwagakure! And do you know where they ranked in the Hidden Villages' Annual Medical Report?! _Fifth!_ Out of the five hidden villages! Their medical resources _suck!_ You'll have deformed limbs! You think about _that!_" Sakura took in a calming breath and turned back to the male who had approached her just before her patient had decided to make a grab at her rear. She smiled and said, "Now then. Neji-san, what was it you wanted to speak with me about?"

Casting a quick look at the terrorized patient and another look at the serenely smiling medic before him, Neji made a judgement call. "Nothing," he answered, shaking his head slightly as he began his retreat. He would find someone else to talk to. There had to be someone else. _Anyone_ else.

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked, a frown curving her features into a look of concern. "It didn't seem like noth--"

"No. I'm sure," he interrupted, nodding marginally to assure her. She didn't look convinced, which meant a lie was in order. "I had this…crick in my neck, but it's gone now. So, I'm going to go, too." He turned to make a beeline out of the hospital, but that medic just had to keep talking, and it was rude to walk away when someone, especially a woman, was talking to you. And if there was one thing Neji was, it was acerbically polite. (That may seem like a contradiction, but it wasn't where Neji was concerned.)

"Really? I could look at it anyway. It might resurface and cause more pain or even damage," Sakura said, not liking the idea of someone leaving the hospital without being looked at when the problem could be easily remedied.

"No, no. I'm fine, Haruno-san," he insisted, shifting back another few centimetres as the kunoichi approached. "Quite fine. I just haven't trained in a few days, so that's probably why the pain surfaced."

Sakura was thinking on Neji's words, a finger pressed to her chin as an understanding light settled in her green eyes. "Neji-san, is this about Tenten-san?"

The Hyuuga was suddenly on guard, posture stiffer than was his norm and face even stonier than usual. "What about Tenten?" he asked, surreptitiously scanning the surroundings as much as possible without actually activating his Byakugan. Was she nearby? Was she laying in wait, planning an attack? Was she--?

"She's been a bit irate lately, hasn't she?" Sakura spoke quietly, a reassuring smile on her face as they walked down the hallway.

When at they started to move? Neji's mind was still in the other room, but it seemed they were now a few hallways over from it. Oh, the wiles of these women...

"She has her moments…" he answered absently, suddenly uncomfortable with the fact that he didn't know where they were or where they were going.

"Neji-san, I've heard about the little interludes of ire you've been experiencing with her these past few days," Sakura explained, voice placating. "If you have concerns that you're not sure who to go to for help with, I can help you out."

_Adapt the strategy to her reactions, while still guiding the situation to your goal. Yes. I can do that._

"She has been slightly more…irritated with me of late," he ceded, exuding the minimum amount of dejection necessary for making his plight believable; that he was the one and only victim in the situation.

Sakura stopped walking and opened a door to her right, gesturing for him to enter what he assumed was her office. Once inside, she quickly relieved a chair of a mountain of scrolls and papers that had occupied it and dumped the mess of parchment on a side cabinet. The conglomerate of paper was the only disorganized feature in the entire room. Everything else was placed carefully and aligned precisely. Neji assumed that one discrepancy must be a token place of disarray, so Sakura could defend her otherwise obsessive perfection, by pointing out the mar in her flawless office space: She couldn't be a perfectionist if she had such an obvious mess. It was a mechanism to facilitate her denial, but Neji wasn't about to open up _that_ Pandora's Box. He may have been a terrible conversationalist, but he at least knew that picking at his companion's habits was so _not_ the way to go.

Sakura stepped behind her desk and motioned for Neji to take a seat on the recently cleared chair. She looked marginally excited about the situation, her stress from earlier seeming to disappear from her visage. Despite her anger with Sasuke, she wasn't taking it out on the rest of the world. That was a plus for Neji's situation.

"Do you have any idea why she's so upset with you? Maybe she's going through something personal and it doesn't really have anything to do with you," Sakura suggested, folding her hands on the surface of her desk.

"No. I have it on very good authority that it has everything to do with me," Neji grumbled, grimacing slightly at the memory his recent activities. It was embarrassing, really. But nearly uncontrollable. Even now, he was fighting the urge to flee the room. Being in an enclosed space, alone with a female was not the ideal setting for him at the moment.

"Then you know what it was that you did to make her angry with you?" Sakura asked, watching him with concerned eyes. Oh, she was totally into this "helping the clueless genius with girl problems" thing. It couldn't be healthy…

"Aa. I know what it was. But I'm afraid that I have been decidedly unsuccessful in righting the situation." He sighed, allowing his frame to slouch a millimetre, squeezing out as much emotion as his stoic persona and immovable pride would allow.

"Well, why don't you tell me what it was? Then, I might be able to help you find a way to make amends with Tenten-san," she offered, eyes bright with expectation and the drive to aid him.

It occurred to Neji that Sasuke had to have really done a number on Sakura, if the Uchiha had managed to make such a buoyant and altruistic girl so angry with him. He had to smirk at the incompetence of his "sort of" rival. Neji made no claims to having a way with the ladies, but he was fairly certain that even he could not tick off a girl as thoroughly and effortlessly as Sasuke had.

"I…would rather not get into the details of the misunderstanding," Neji responded slowly, measuring his words and gauging his companion's miniscule facial tics with a careful eye. Sakura concealed disappointment with the ease and refinement of someone who did so on many, many occasions. However, regardless of a person's proficiency at hiding emotion, their face's minute movements could not be frozen completely. As such, Neji could tell that his answer had sucked a moderate amount of Sakura's vigour out of the kunoichi; she had been hoping for an open conversation.

_I'll have to improvise. I can't tell her the actual circumstances, but something close to the truth will do._

Neji shifted, purposely giving the pink-head across from him the impression that he was uncomfortable with the topic; as though he was grudgingly disclosing personal information to her.

The result was a perked up Sakura, her face nearly glowing with a new rush of excitement. It amused Neji how something so simple and, well, _false_, could have such a profound impact on the girl's disposition. Yes; the Uchiha had to have _really_ screwed up spectacularly if he had managed to incur Sakura's rage so completely, as Kakashi-sensei and Jiraiya-sama said he did.

"We got into a disagreement during…_training_. She somehow defeated my Byakugan, which surprised me and I said as much to her. That was what angered her." He shook his head slightly at the memory. "But she shouldn't have been able to get around my Byakugan. I didn't expect it. In hindsight, I _should_ have thought she might be able to elude my eyes, at least by a mild margin, but I just didn't expect it. No one has ever gotten past my eyes before. I certainly didn't expect her to be the first."

The kunoichi across from him was deathly silent. There was a dark, miasmic aura swirling about her, which Neji had somehow failed to notice as he relayed his marginally fake dilemma. But, now that he was finished, the presence was undeniable. And he got the distinct feeling that he had miscalculated in his act of adapting his strategy to her reactions.

"So…you think that Tenten-san shouldn't have been able to defeat your defences," Sakura reiterated, voice low and not terribly comforting. "You think her skills should not be on par with or surpassing yours."

A cool sweat materialized on Neji's pale skin. Oh, he _definitely_ took a wrong turn somewhere back there.

"Ah-ahem. You know what? I just had an epiphany and I think I can handle this situation by myself. I…I'm going to go now, so…thank you for your assistance, Haruno-san. Good day." He edged his way out of the office, keeping a wary eye on the simmering kunoichi behind the desk.

Out of nowhere, there was a strong grip on his shoulder and a small, roiling presence by his side. Neji looked down to see Sakura standing beside him, small hand grasping his shoulder like a vice. She looked straight ahead with vacant but darkened eyes, as she spoke, "Walk with me, Neji-san. Because I really don't think you _can_ handle your predicament by yourself. Something tells me that you need further…_tutelage_ on this matter."

The Hyuuga started to protest, but the quiet cracking sounds from his clavicle under her fingers made him reconsider. "If… If that's how you feel, Haruno-san," Neji answered hesitantly, eyes rapidly shooting about, seeking an out, but finding none.

"Oh, I do, Neji-san," she answered lowly, a terrifying smirk twisting her bright features into something dark and dangerous. "I really do."

He gulped as quietly as he could manage, but by the widening of her smirk, Neji was quite certain that Sakura had heard it anyway.

Somewhere in the back of his near-panicking mind, Neji scrambled for an answer as to how he got himself into this situation. It occurred to him that this was probably how Uchiha had incurred the kunoichi's wrath, as well.

_If it's not Fate screwing me over, then it's Karma,_ he grumbled in his mind, as Sakura led him to his doom.

* * *

"So, what exactly is the problem with you brats, anyway?" Jiraiya asked, leaning against the wall, smoking his pipe. "I know it's got something to do with girls and all that, but I don't get how that could make you guys afraid of women."

Naruto scowled at his dark-haired friend. "Ask _him_." He jabbed an accusing finger to direct the Sannin's attention. "He's the one who started this mess."

Sasuke scoffed quietly and leaned back in his chair, looking as unconcerned as ever with the blonde's accusation. The jinchuuriki had practically asked for it, after all.

Jiraiya was surveying Sasuke with a careful eye, seemingly trying to deduce the cause of his women-phobia by his appearance alone.

"You're mother used to dress you up like a girl and had tea parties with you, didn't she, Sasuke?"

The Uchiha snapped his head up and stared wide-eyed at the older man. "How does everyone know about that? Did you show him those pictures, dobe?!" Dangerous, swirling, red eyes glared at the whisker-faced boy.

"Heck no!" Naruto denied, shaking his head. "I was saving those for something real good, like when you got into ANBU, or got married, or something."

Sasuke turned his head robotically to face his ex-sensei. "You," he rasped. "You showed him the pictures, then."

"Mmm, afraid not, Sasuke," Kakashi murmured, not the least bit bothered by the murderous intent rolling off the Uchiha. "Like Naruto, I was keeping mine for a very special occasion. Of course, now I'm left wishing I _had_ used them when I had the chance, since you destroyed them." The Copy-nin seemed to pout about the loss of his humiliation/blackmail material.

"Then how did you know?" Sasuke asked. It was unnerving, to say the least.

Jiraiya shrugged. "I figure, you were the younger of two boys. It was a male-dominated clan. And a lot of women wish for at least one daughter. Makes sense that she'd use you as an outlet for that unrealized wish. It's not uncommon." He gave a wry smile. "If it's any consolation, my mom did that to me once or twice, too. Except I didn't take it as a scarring experience, like you obviously have. I just used it as training for how to get girls' clothes off more efficiently!" He gave a perverted chuckle at the thought.

The ex-avenger scowled. "That's not what this is about! I don't care about that," he snapped. "This is about the fan-girls."

"The fan-girls?" Jiraiya repeated, instantly intrigued, since the sentence mentioned girls.

"Yes," Sasuke hissed through his teeth, trying not to shiver as the memory of searching hands and lips, ear-splitting giggles, and gaudy love-letters dripping with perfume, assaulted his psyche. "The fan-girls did this to me."

"I need more of an explanation than that, Sasuke," Jiraiya prodded, a scroll and calligraphy brush poised for note taking.

The Uchiha huffed but decided to have it out. The man was trying to help him, wasn't he? Relaying the experience to the Sannin might furnish a new strategy for Sasuke to take.

"When I first entered the academy, and right until I graduated from it, and even after that, I've been the victim of…fan-girl attacks." Sasuke paused, organizing his thoughts and steeling his will. Jiraiya seemed rapt with interest, so he continued. "They would all gang-up on me and try to…_feel me up_ and kiss me. And then they'd follow me around--_stalk_ me. And then I'd get all these love notes and all this perfume on me." He snapped his gaze up. "I'm allergic to most flowers, you know. So, when I get a face full of some lilac-rose-gardenia-jasmine-peach blossom-hyacinth _miasma_, I get a freaking migraine and lose the ability to breathe through my nose. And my eyes start watering, too, which makes the fan-girls think I'm _moved_ by whatever inane declarations they're making in their banshee-speak. And this happened _every day_ since I started at the academy. And it_ still_ goes on! Perhaps not as much, since I'm not confined to a classroom with them, as I was before, but even so, there are moments… Horrible, need-to-repress moments…"

Jiraiya's brow was furrowed in mild confusion, though his eyes held excitement that could only come from one thing. "You have girls fawning all over you, and you say that _that's _why you're afraid of them?!"

Sasuke huffed, irritated with that line of thought already. "You know, for someone like me, having your personal space invaded by crazed girls isn't a pleasant situation. It's violating. And when it happens day in and day out, it gets tedious, to say the least."

A thought seemed to spring up in the Sannin's mind. "Okay! Wait, wait. We have to back it up a little here," Jiraiya interrupted, hands held up as a call to pause. Leaning forward and watching Sasuke with a serious, inquisitive gaze, he said, "Are you telling me that had a freaking _harem_ at your disposal, by the time you were _six_-years-old?! And _now_ you're having trouble getting a girl?"

"Getting _a_ girl isn't the problem," Kakashi said from his corner, eye on a certain red book. "Getting _the_ girl, is what's got him all hung up."

"I see." The white-haired man leaned back against the wall, seemingly lost in thought for a few moments. He then snapped deep eyes on the hopeless Uchiha, all manner of humour lost from his features. "Well, you've set your sights pretty high, Sasuke," he began gruffly, watching the other male with a hidden urgency he rarely displayed. The man was…concerned. "I mean, first of all, Sakura is naturally headstrong, which I think you know. Then you have to factor in that she's been training with Tsunade for the past six years--that just bumps up the trouble metre to a whole new level, right there. I'm not going to lie to you, Sasuke: There is a very good chance that you will die in your courtship of Sakura."

Sasuke frowned at the Sannin, not following his reasoning even a little.

Kakashi cast a sympathetic look at his silent ex-student. "Think about it, Sasuke. You have to weigh your options, here. This is real."

"I'm serious here, Sasuke," Jiraiya continued, his solemn expression never slipping. "That woman is quite possibly the _most_ terrifying person I have ever met in my life. And I was on a team with Tsunade for many years. But Sakura…" He shook his head, as though contemplating some scarring memory. "She surpasses Tsunade's explosive rage by leaps and bounds. She's someone you need to keep a careful eye on. And I'll tell you how I know: she doesn't vent her anger like she ought to. Tsunade, no matter who you are, will go raging juggernaut on you the moment you piss her off. She keeps nothing on the inside, so her rage doesn't have time to simmer and build-up. But Sakura doesn't do that. Oh, she'll beat the crap out of Naruto at the drop of a hat, which is good for both her and Naruto; the little retard deserves it."

"Hey!" said retard shouted, thoroughly indignant at his sensei's words.

"Shut up," Jiraiya snapped, unrepentant. "You know it's true. And if you didn't know it before, you should know it now, after that little stunt you pulled with the Hyuuga's team-mate. I mean, what did I say, _just before_ you left to meet her?! I told you not to bring up that topic and what did you do?!" He stopped suddenly, sighing as he waved a hand, as though to erase his rising blood pressure. "No. Never mind. I've said all that I can to you on that bad habit of yours."

He turned his attention back to Sasuke, intent on imparting these all-important observations to the clueless youth. "So, she becomes violent with Naruto, but for everyone else she keeps her rage inside. She might yell at them, like she's yelled at you, what, once now?"

Sasuke shifted, as he mumbled, "It was twice."

"Yeah. Two whole times! In their entire _lives_! How horrible!" Naruto groused loudly.

Sasuke cast a squinty glare at the jinchuuriki, but the blonde was otherwise ignored.

"But she never allows her rage to be channelled into _physical_ exhibition," Jiraiya continued. "Sakura is a very physical person, am I right? She likes hugs and touches peoples' arms when she talks to them; she likes physical displays of affection."

Sasuke gave a small nod, listening intently, despite his apparent apathy.

"Well, it goes both ways. She likes to show _positive_ emotions through physical means, and she also likes to show _negative_ emotions through physical means, which translates into beating the will to live out of those who piss her off. But she only ever does that to Naruto," he thumbed in the blonde's direction, "which is probably her release valve, to ease some of the pressure that's otherwise steadily building-up inside of her. I mean, it's very obvious that a lot people piss her off. Chief among them are _you_ and Kakashi." He leaned forward and stared at the Uchiha intently, face an anxious mask. This point was critical. "I'll tell you right now; if that guy ever dies a suspicious death, _she_ did it. There isn't even a need for an investigation: she did it."

The Hatake just shrugged at Sasuke's quick, questioning glance. "I've already made peace with that fact," he explained, as laidback as ever.

"That girl is a powder keg," Jiraiya continued, "and one day the flame is going to get just a little too close, and she's going to go kaboom. And when that happens, people are going to _die_. And not just one or two. No. A _lot_ of people are going to die when that happens. And it's _going_ to happen, Sasuke. She's going to blow one day, mark my words. It's inevitable."

Sasuke frowned, confused again. "Are you trying to get me to change my mind about this, or what?"

"No, no!" Jiraiya denied, waving his hands in dismissal. "I just want to make sure that you are properly informed about the situation you're in, because, Sasuke," the older man placed a supportive hand on the younger male's shoulder, "once you get in, you can _never_ get out. Ticking time bombs like Sakura don't do "I'm having second thoughts." No. They do "I'm going to make your life a living hell, and just when you think you can't possibly take any more, only _then_ will I begin the slow and arduous process of actually killing you, only to revive you again with my medical skills, so I can repeat the process as many times as my scorned little heart desires." That's how it's going to be."

"Seriously. Do you really not want me to continue with this, or something?" Sasuke asked, shaking his head, truly not knowing how to take the Sannin's "words of wisdom."

"It's not that, Sasuke," Kakashi responded, leaning toward his protégé, a supportive look on his face. "We just want you to be sure and…_safe_ when you make your decision. We want you to have all the facts. Don't want to be sending you into enemy territory with zero chakra and an empty kunai pouch, so to speak. We just want you to be prepared to the point that we can safely assume that you will most definitely live to see your first kid's third birthday. That's all we're trying to do here."

"Yeah," the hermit agreed with a nod. "You surviving past that point is really just a pipedream, anyway. If you do somehow manage to live past that age, you'll just be living on borrowed time. You're early demise is pretty much guaranteed in this situation."

Neji staggered into the room, looking ruffled and thoroughly ruined. His white eyes wandered about the area, listless and haunted. When they fell on Sasuke, they widened slightly and gained a nearly desperate light. Breathlessly, he rasped, "You're digging your own grave, with that one, Uchiha! Get away from her while you still can!" The Hyuuga then slid down the wall to the floor, as calmly and with as much dignity as a man who had just experienced the full power and rage of a Hokage's apprentice could, shifting into a calming, meditative position, not to be moved for a good three hours.

Jiraiya turned back to Sasuke. "See," he said, gesturing at his proven point.

Naruto, meanwhile, was laughing himself out of his seat, and shimmied over to poke at the unresponsive Hyuuga, giggling like a maniac.

"Well, Sasuke," Kakashi spoke, shaking his head at the sight of his full-grown student plopped on the floor before another adult, having the time of his life, feinting jabs at the other man's face, as though it were the most entertaining activity in the world. "I think it's about time for you to go find Hinata. She should be at the park by now."

"Aa," Sasuke sighed, casting a skewed look at his supposed rival as he continued to try to get a response out of his other "sort of" rival.

"Don't go making any moves on my girlfriend, teme!" the blonde shouted after him, followed by a yowl, as Neji snapped out of his meditation and twisted one of Naruto's jabbing fingers.

"Why would I?" Sasuke scoffed, indignant at the idea.

"Stay your distance from Hinata-sama, Uchiha," Neji called out, twisting Naruto's arm behind his back as the blonde tried to talk his way out of his current predicament.

"I'm not even interested in her," the ex-avenger muttered, stalking out the door.

Naruto's head popped up off the hardwood floor, still caught in a seemingly inescapable hold. Darn the Hyuuga for being so skilled in Konoha's strongest hand-to-hand combat style. "Why not?!" he screeched, insulted at his friend's words. "What's wrong with my Hinata-chan?!"

Sasuke just threw up his hands in defeat and continued out of the room and down the hall. He had a meeting with potential failure and he wasn't about to be late for it.

* * *

… … … … …

… _Awkward_… …

... _Quite _awkward... ... ... ...

A quiet intake of breath alerted Sasuke to an impending word form his companion. But just as soon as Hinata's lungs were full, her crimson face turned back to the ground, the silence undisturbed.

He turned toward the Hyuuga slightly and opened his mouth to speak, but he soon resumed his previous stance, as his mind was void of things to say.

Hinata continued to fidget, her fingers poking together so hard, Sasuke half-expected one of them to snap.

It was pathetic, but, though Hinata had been his best friend's girlfriend for about two years, Sasuke had never spoken more than a couple words to her. It wasn't such a strange thing. Neither of them was good at conversation with people who they were familiar with, let alone with acquaintances, which was what they were, really; their only common thread was Naruto. They didn't really have any reason to talk, since Naruto carried any conversations that were held when both of them were present. Hinata was too shy and marginally intimidated by Sasuke, and he found no reason to attempt meaningless conversation, especially with someone he barely knew.

Which was probably why there was a hanging silence smothering the area where they sat, uninterrupted for ten minutes and counting.

_This is ridiculous_, Sasuke grumbled to himself. He was about to commit conversation suicide and mention the freaking weather, when a small sound came from his timid companion.

"Ah… S-S-Sasuke-san…why a-are you h-h-here? N-Naruto-kun i-is--"

"Naruto can't come. He's busy with an assignment," Sasuke interrupted, a little gruffly. It wasn't intended to sound rude or impatient, though, by Hinata's mild wince, that was exactly how it came out. He just thought he'd spare the stuttering girl the trouble of struggling through her words when he already knew what she was trying to say. "He asked me to let you know that he couldn't come," he spoke in a less harsh monotone, noticing a fraction of the kunoichi's tension ease out of her frame as he did so.

"O-Oh," she breathed, eyes darting about the park area they were in, seemingly incapable of looking directly at the shinobi next to her. There was just something about him. It was dark and dangerous, twisted and terrifying. Some girls were drawn to such a roiling presence, but Hinata found it too intimidating. She was surrounded by similar oppressive chakras every day in the Hyuuga compound, though none were quite as inky black and solid as Sasuke's. She preferred the airy flow and buoyancy of chakras like Naruto's; bright and gentle, his adapted to and made room for others' presences, rather than remaining rigid and stifling, like so many she lived with did, and like her current companion's. It just made the situation that much more uncomfortable.

She would have left, but Sasuke seemed to be lingering, meaning their interlude wasn't over yet. And it would be rude if she scurried away in the middle of a conversation, however nonexistent it may be.

Sasuke seemed to be searching for something to say, which surprised the Hyuuga, to say the least. Was he… Was he, Uchiha Sasuke, trying to start a conversation with her, Hyuuga Hinata? She was now convinced that the sun had risen in the West that day.

By the discomfort just peeking through the Uchiha's blank façade, Hinata could tell that this was difficult for the male. A surge of pity flowed through her at the realization. She knew exactly what sort of turmoil Sasuke was going through. So, in a rare bold move, Hinata put the other shinobi out of his misery.

"I-I heard Kiba-kun s-s-saying something about y-you, Naruto-kun, Neji-nii-san, a-and Lee-san training w-with Jiraiya-sama. Is i-it going well?"

Sasuke snapped his eyes on the girl when she began to speak, shocked at her uncharacteristic action. It occurred to him that she was aware of his discomfit and had taken pity on him. A quiet anger amassed in his stomach, as he realized that he was once again failing his assignment. He was supposed to carry the talk. It should be easy; he was paired with freaking _Hinata_, for crying out loud! A newborn bunny was more intimidating.

_Come on! Control this. If you can't control a conversation with someone as timid as the Hyuuga, you'll never be able to talk to Sakura. And if you can't talk to Sakura, you'll never _have_ Sakura. And if you never have Sakura…the term "suicide watch" is going to become very familiar to you._

Sasuke straightened from his elbows-on-knees-hands-before-face position, and leaned back on the bench on which they sat. He had to at least appear relaxed, even if he wasn't. He had to exude confidence around women, wasn't that what the pervert had said? He could do that.

"It's going well," he lied, voice indifferent. Indifferent was better than irritated or rude. (Progress! Cha-ching!!)

"W-What a-are you being trained in?"

Sasuke paused a moment, thinking up a suitable cover story. "Specialized manipulation and reconnaissance techniques for a full-enemy-submersion scenario," he answered, a sly sliver of a smirk ghosting his lips. In a sense, that was just what they were doing.

"O-Oh… That s-sounds like you're pre-preparing for a s-specific mission. Are you?" Hinata asked, continuously poking her fingers as she spoke.

"Aa," Sasuke murmured. Getting himself to speak properly to Sakura and the other three's attempts to not fear women certainly held the same difficulty as at least an A-rank. _At least._

"N-Naruto-kun didn't m-mention it…"

"That's because he's not supposed to talk about it," Sasuke explained smoothly. "If it goes as planned, no one will even know about the measures we've taken. You should probably pretend you don't know about it."

The kunoichi's eyes widened marginally, apprehension showing through her timid disposition. "Is it da-dangerous?"

Thinking back to Jiraiya's words from earlier, he said, "Yes. Very. But not for Naruto. His objective is quite tame. Neji's is marginally more dangerous, but he should be fine. But you should pretend you know nothing about it and forget it. You won't even realize when we've acted, so there's no sense in you thinking on it."

"O-Okay," she agreed, watching her fingers stab each other. How she didn't have calluses on her fingertips from her nervous habit was a mystery. She had to moisturize at least five times daily.

Sasuke smirked internally. He was now in control of the conversation. Oh, he was the _man_!

* * *

The conversation only lasted a few more minutes, but it was all governed by Uchiha Sasuke. He directed the topics and he was the one who ended it.

And you can bet that Mr. Avenger-person was feeling pretty darn good about himself.

Of course, talking with a timid person like Hinata was one thing--the girl had probably been thankful for his forwardness. Talking with a strong-willed and emotionally stressed person like Sakura was another story entirely, as Sasuke was about to be reminded.

He was just stepping onto the pathway when she called his name, catching him off-guard. Sasuke tried not to show his surprise by scowling, but a glare was only so effective when one's eyebrows were flush with one's hairline.

"Sakura. What are you doing here?" he said, a little too harshly. It wasn't that he was angry, but man did she have terrible timing! It was becoming a habit for Sakura to catch him engaging in some uncharacteristic behaviour that inevitably led her to see it very differently from how it really was.

"I was taking a shortcut home from the hospital," Sakura answered, watching Sasuke with a defensive gaze, a retaliation to his affronting tone, he knew.

"Hn."

There was a strained silence following that, and the Uchiha could almost hear the cogs spinning in Sakura's head as the kunoichi formulated a plethora of questions and made the difficult decision on whether to act and ask them or not.

But Sakura was a curious person, so...

"What were you doing with Hinata-chan?" she asked, mild accusation in her eyes. She obviously hadn't perceived the situation of Sasuke talking to Hinata as something that was natural. In fact, Sakura seemed quite disturbed by the idea.

Sasuke took a moment to sigh as he cursed whatever depraved Powers That Be who decided it would be a wonderful thing to have Sakura show up at that precise moment, in her raw-nerve state, to a very dark, very deep, very _painful_ pit in that most heinous of places: Hell.

"…Nothing," he answered, watching the unmoving trunk of a tree as though it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"It didn't look like nothing to me," Sakura pressed, setting her arms akimbo in a show of authority. It was an act, but Sasuke wasn't about to call her out on it. He was too busy digging his hole bigger.

"And what did it look like?" the Uchiha asked, clear condescension in his words.

"Well, let's see," Sakura began slowly, raising a finger to tap her chin in faux thought. "You were sitting together, _alone_ in a secluded park area, and were actually speaking _civilly_ to her. That screams "inappropriate" to me."

Sasuke shrugged, clutching onto his cool (_i.e. denial_) for all he was worth. "People sit and talk with each other all the time."

"Yes, they do. But _you_ don't," she countered, shaking her head. "You won't even have a conversation with your best friend, yet for some reason you were doing so with his _girlfriend_? You have to understand the questions that raises."

"I don't," he continued on, aloof facade never slipping, damning shovel never ceasing its constant digging of the hole he apparently found so cozy to be in. "It was just a talk." He paused and then half-muttered, "There wasn't even much of that going on."

She almost laughed, but quirked a pink brow instead and replied, "A talk? You, the guy who can't carry a non-shinobi-related conversation to save his life, were having a talk with Hinata, someone you've never spoken to…ever?"

"I've spoken to her," he grumbled, sounding as unconvincing as the falseness of his statement made it.

"Your first words to her were said after you got out on parole," Sakura said, eyes solid and unmoving. "She met up with Naruto, who was carting you around, and she worked up the nerve to say hello to the scowling ingrate, and you said, and I quote, "Hn," in return. But now you're having private conversations with her?"

Sasuke had to bite back a grumble as he hissed, "_Yes._"

"She looked very uncomfortable," Sakura continued, face serious and unrelenting.

"Doesn't she always?" he countered, rolling his eyes to the sky.

A nod-shrug pulled itself from her upper body, ceding to his point but still insisting on making her own. "Yes, but more so." Her eyes narrowed almost dangerously on his when she asked, "Were you doing that on purpose?"

Sasuke blinked at the turn this little confrontation was taking. "What?" he practically blurted out, honestly confused as to what Sakura was asking him.

"Were you making her uncomfortable on purpose?" she clarified, an edge seeping into her voice that hadn't been there before. Someone's blood pressure was rising...

His eyes widened marginally as his face belied a small amount of the ample shock he was feeling internally. He couldn't even think properly about where Sakura would have come up with an idea like that, which was why he almost shouted when he answered, "Why would I do that?"

The pink-head's demeanour changed suddenly, as though someone had flipped a switch. There was a small measure of condescension in her eyes, whitewashing the sadness underneath; a quick seal of protection for the rawness inside. "Why would you come to get me for training to smooth out our differences at _Naruto's_ behest?" she asked, and it was clear that she was being rhetorical. She was making a point and Sasuke was already scowling at what he was certain it was she was getting at. "Why would you treat my work as second-rate while _clearly_ admiring _Naruto's_? Why would you scare _him_ away from girls and closer to _your_ company?" At Sasuke's surprised expression--which was basically his eyebrows rising two millimetres--Sakura had to give a wry smile. "Yeah. I know about the fan-girl trauma you put him through. Why would you drive me away with insults and the like, while spending almost all of your free time with _Naruto_? It's been very clear to me, if to no one else, what you've been up to: You want to be with Naruto. I get it. But to intimidate his girlfriend…" She shook her head, disdain in the gesture and in her green gaze. "That's low," she almost spat.

Sasuke's face was twitching in a number of places by the time Sakura had finished her little speech. They said there were two sides to every story, but what they didn't say was just how screwed up and troubling the other side could be. "That line of thinking right there has to stop," he rasped, voice low as he controlled his irritation. "I am not…going after the _dobe_!" He couldn't hold back the full-on grimace that twisted his face at the thought. "I don't swing that way."

"You shouldn't lie to me like that--"

"I'm not lying, Sakura," he interrupted. He watched her with serious eyes, his aloofness gone; this point had to be made. "You're just jumping to conclusions again and quite frankly, I'm tired of it."

"I'm just trying to explain your behaviour to myself," she said quietly, backing off slightly at Sasuke's affront, seeming to shrivel up into herself just a hair's breadth.

"Don't try to explain it," Sasuke answered. "I'm the only one who can do that."

"But you don't!" she shouted, brow furrowed slightly as her frustrations seeped out. "You never do. I ask and I give you ample opportunities to respond in your own way, but you _don't_! So, of course I have to try to explain it all myself."

He knew she had a point there, but still... "And _that's_ the explanation you came up with? That I'm...interested in guys? And not just guys in general, but _Naruto_?"

"Yes," Sakura sniffed, clearly unrepentant for what Sasuke obviously viewed as an egregious failure of judgement on her part. "From the distant view you leave me with, that seemed like the most logical conclusion."

"You should know me better than that," the ex-avenger spoke lowly, stance shifting from one foot to the other; a small movement that belied the discomfort of his situation.

She shook her head, resigned to what experience had taught her. "But I don't. I don't know you at all. You don't let me. You let _Naruto_, but you don't let me. You're closer to him than you are to anybody else. He's the _only_ person you're close to."

"That's not true--" he began to say, intending to finally make that vital point. But Sakura had a point of her own to get across.

"I've yet to see or hear anything that says otherwise," she spoke quietly. "I think… I just want to be your friend, Sasuke-kun. I know I asked for a lot more in the past, but that was a long time ago. I would never ask for something like that ever again. I just want to be acknowledged by you as a friend, rather than some inferior nuisance that's interrupting your alone time with Naruto-_kun_--"

"Sakura," he growled in warning.

"I know. I'm sorry," she quickly placated, waving a hand about, as if to erase her words, the movement jerky. "And I know I shouldn't have thought you were mean to Hinata-chan. It's just that, when it's _me_, you don't--" she cut herself off and shook her head. "No. Never mind. I'm sorry. I'm just going to go."

In a quiet shuffle of sandaled feet across loose gravel, she was gone, moving as quickly as she could while still being able to call her movement a walk. Thin shoulders were decidedly hunched inward, despite the obvious rigidity of their position--forcibly straighten a coil and it will always maintain a few kinks, never becoming perfectly straight.

The male didn't really notice, though. There seemed to be an echo in Sasuke's head that caused him to lose focus of his rapidly escaping companion.

_I just want to be your friend, Sasuke-kun._

Friends? Regardless of common belief, Sasuke was convinced that _that_ was the worst F-word out there.

* * *

Sasuke slouched into his hollow home, just past the doorway. He stared hard at the darkened floor, lost in thought and an air of defeat about him that he had not held in years.

A shuffling and crinkling sound from the kitchen stirred his attention, accustomed to the dead silence of his house. He had been reaching for a kunai when he recognized the chakra signatures. Putting on an indifferent, though slightly perturbed, mask, Sasuke stalked down the hall.

Upon entering the kitchen, he found just what he expected: three empty ramen packages, discarded carelessly across the counter, while a fourth was just being cracked open by a certain blonde. In the corner by the sink, a grey-head peeked over the fresh binding of a certain unreleased, stolen book.

Both unwelcome guests turned their eyes on the just-returned homeowner.

"What are you doing here? You just break and enter people's houses in your spare time?" he said, keeping his voice as apathetic as possible. He didn't want to give them the satisfaction of getting a rise out of him.

"Naw. We just wanted to know why you didn't come back to the room when you finished your assignment," Naruto spoke, voice muffled by the packaging he was apparently having some trouble opening. (Sasuke didn't have the same brand Naruto usually bought, hence the trouble.)

"Tch. Didn't feel like it," he grumbled, scowling at the mess, as the ramen package Naruto had been wrestling with burst open, sending its contents across the counter.

"Ah! NOOOO!! Why? Why would God allow this to happen?!"

"Is what I ask myself every time I get stuck talking to you," Sasuke mumbled under his breath.

As Naruto desperately tried to salvage his fourth "snack," Kakashi took it upon himself to continue the questioning.

"So, how did it go?" the Copy-nin asked, eye still on the freshly printed pages. In the corner of his vision, he watched his former protégé. That the guy hadn't yelled at Naruto for the mess the blonde had just made of Sasuke's pristine kitchen, told Kakashi that something had gone terribly wrong, not that he'd purposely draw attention to it.

"Fine," the Uchiha grit out.

"Doesn't sound fine," Naruto observed, sweeping the last bits of ramen into a pot before setting it on the element. "Don't tell me…" Naruto said, anger edging his voice, fists clenching. "You hurt my Hinata-chan's feelings, didn't you?! You teme!"

"Naruto," Kakashi cut in, eye warning the blonde. "I don't think Sasuke's first ever conversation with your girlfriend would be one full of insults."

That seemed to placate the jinchuuriki, as Naruto paused mid-lunge, his face assuming his thinking expression, and then relaxed his stance with a shrug of his shoulders. "I guess..." he murmured, lips quirked in a semi-pout, clearly indecisive but resigned to not attack just yet.

"Now then," Kakashi continued, his grey eye shifting back down to his new reading material. "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Sasuke, and accept that your conversation with Hinata actually went fine, as you say it did, and I'm just going to skip to the important stuff." He snapped his eye up suddenly to stare intently at his wayward student, and it became abundantly clear to Sasuke that Kakashi already knew whatever it was he was about to ask about. Curse him and his intuitiveness! "Did you have another run-in with Sakura after your chat with Hinata?"

Sasuke deliberated for a moment or two, wondering if there was some way to remove himself from this entire situation without having to explain what had happened to make him do so. But he knew, even as his desperate mind scrambled for an out, that he would have to admit the horrible and depressing truth. They would never let it rest now. Not after all the effort they had all put into this so-called therapy.

So, he drew himself up (internally, of course, because externally he was still a blank, if slightly irritated, facade) and readied himself to admit defeat to two people he loathed being beaten in front of.

"I quit," he muttered, glancing off to the side in a gesture of forced detachment.

There was a short silence, wherein Kakashi's genius mind made all the necessary connections and assumptions that led him to the correct assessment of what and why Sasuke had said what he did, Naruto blinked absently at his friend as his mind attempted the same processes that Kakashi's had executed so efficiently, but with decidedly less success, and the pot on the stove boiled over.

Kakashi calmly reached over and removed the pot from the element, while Naruto finally processed what his friend had just told him.

"What?" the blonde grunted, frowning as the smell of burned ramen hit his nose. Mumbling his laments for his fallen snack, Naruto turned to the pot and began the fevered salvage mission for his damaged noodles (Naruto adhered to a strict policy of no noodle left behind).

"I'm done," Sasuke reiterated, aloof as he had ever been. There was no need to let on just how disappointed he was, nor how awkward the whole situation now was. "There's no reason for me to continue with this training anymore."

Naruto's head snapped up, a small grimace on his face as he tasted his burned food (of course, that didn't stop him from taking another scoop of it before he actually spoke). "What, do you mean?" he asked through disgusted bites of ramen. Then a dorky grin split his ramen-devouring lips as he spoke in his excited, girlish voice, "Ooh, ooh! You and Sakura-chan got together?! I can't believe a spaz like you managed it!"

The Uchiha didn't even scowl at the insult to his capabilities. He just stared at the doorway and muttered, "No. That's not it."

"What's going on now, Sasuke?" Kakashi asked, eye trained on him, though Sasuke had the distinct feeling that the Copy-nin was still reading in his peripheral.

He almost cringed at the question. What was going on? Well, apparently _nothing_, as far as Sakura was concerned. She had made that pretty clear.

_Friends. _

Sasuke had always felt a small twinge of inexplicable irritation whenever one of his teammates would mention that word. He could almost explain why it bothered him when Naruto mentioned it: the blonde was a freaking broken record on the subject. It was always, "Bonds" this, and "My precious people who hold my precious bonds" that. He just never shut up about it. And sure, okay; it was nice to know the guy was devoted and he had your back no matter what, but for sanity's sake, there was no need to constantly declare to absolutely _everyone_, strangers and acquaintances alike, the unending commitment and unbreakable ties that bind he had with his "most important people." They were shinobi, not new age enthusiasts.

Why it bothered him when Sakura said it was another story. For one, how could someone call the person they claim to be in love with, their friend? And sure, Sasuke wasn't so receptive to her affections in the past, so what else _would_ she call him? But at that time, he hadn't cared what she called him. In fact, he preferred that she not call him anything at all; that she just kept quiet and stayed out of the freaking way. By the time it had started to irk him there was a dark mark on his left shoulder and a constant nagging inside that nothing here would ever be good enough; he had to get out. Power was out there and they were just dragging him down, making him take his time, or gaining power as he continued to lag. Such disgust with his lack of strength completely eclipsed such trivial things as some minor irritation over the use of some irrelevant word by some useless girl.

But now... Now he could clearly define what about it bothered him.

Friends don't hold romantic interests in each other. Friends don't marry each other. Well, at least not the type of friend Sakura was talking about when she said that hated word. The type of friend she meant was the kind that respects and values the other. She was asking for the sort of stiff politeness that would make them familiar but not terribly intimate. Colleagues; she wanted to be seen as his professional equal, not his personal match. "Ouch" didn't really begin to cover it.

Sasuke continued to look off to the side, frowning mildly at a small tear in a shoji screen, as he spoke, "Sakura… She…just wants to be friends."

A short pause overtook them as the other two male members of Kakashi's original Team Seven stared back at him in veiled shock, which soon shifted into outright pity.

"Oh…" Naruto began awkwardly, shifting stiffly in his spot. "Well...that kind of sucks for you now then, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," he breathed out.

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Oh, and the angst just keeps seeping through! But it's like the easiest thing, especially where Sasuke and Sakura are concerned. It's a mite bit later than I said it would be, but Naruto and Tenten's part took forever to finish. I had most of the dialogue but nothing else, and the "nothing else" really needed to be changed into "something else" before I could post it. We're nearing the end of this fun little adventure. I think the next chapter is the last. I'm pretty sure about it, this time… Pretty sure… (sigh) I make no promises. And don't worry Rock Lee fans! The Beautiful Green Beast shall make his reappearance next chapter, too! I haven't forgotten about the dear boy.

Mr. Clicky was crying earlier today when he was forced to read a yaoi fic. Please make the poor dear feel better by giving him a visit and reviewing. Thanks!


	7. The Underneath the Underneath

Of Fear and Women

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

I also do not own any rights to _The Princess Bride_, nor any references/lines attributed to it that are presented herein.

Warning: The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated my some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Guttersnipe's Foreword:** There's a bit of angst to start this chapter out, but it'll lighten up later on, honest! Please enjoy.

**Chapter 7: The Underneath the Underneath**

Life sucked.

That was Sasuke's assessment of it.

There were no bright sides or saving graces. They said that every cloud had a silver lining. But Sasuke had it on good authority that those silver linings were actually mercury, which was poisonous, so when it rained, the mercury tainted the rivers and lakes, got into the fish living there, and then gave you mercury poisoning when you decided to have some sushi. And that light at the end of the tunnel? Yeah, that just meant you were dead. (Uchiha Sasuke: World Pessimism Champion, eleven years running.)

It wasn't like the movies. A woman could give you her unending devotion and claim to love you with all her heart, but that didn't mean she would be waiting for you when you finally got your act together. Sakura wasn't like Buttercup from _The Princess Bride_, though they were both named after flowers. She wasn't being forced to marry some evil prince she didn't love and she didn't think Sasuke was dead, as was the case with Buttercup and Westley. Sakura just didn't want to be with him.

As Sasuke lay on his bed, watching the very familiar scene of a masked Westley talking to Buttercup as the Dread Pirate Roberts, accusing her of being unfaithful to her love, he felt like he could somehow relate to Westley's position, in a way he hadn't before. Usually, Sasuke paid the most attention to Inigo Montoya's scenes, but something about his state of mind at that moment had him hanging on Westley's every word, relating to his righteous displeasure with Buttercup in a way he never had before.

But it only lasted for so long, because the scene switched gears soon after. Before long, Westley and Buttercup were tumbling down the side of a ravine and suddenly they were together again; in love and inseparable. Like how he and Sakura were not. Like how he and Sakura would never be.

Exasperated with the train of thought his entertainment was taking him on, Sasuke switched off the television and lay back with a huff.

"Teme! Oh, teme, dearest! I'm home, dattebayo!"

A deep-seated scowl etched its way into Sasuke's face, accompanied by a decidedly homicidal glint in his eyes.

From around the door, an obnoxiously blonde head showed itself, sporting an annoyingly wide grin and an over-excited sparkle in his gaze.

The dobe was in higher spirits than he had been in a week. That could mean one of three things had happened: Ichiraku was having an all-you-can-eat special and the blonde was on his way over, stopping by to see if Sasuke wanted to come; the Godaime was stepping down and had just named Naruto her successor or; he had somehow managed to harness his fear of women enough to allow him to spend time with Hinata, after a week of avoiding her at all cost. Considering how Ichiraku had gone under the last time they offered an all-you-can-eat special and had to rely on government relief to not go out of business completely after Naruto's visit (Chouji had been away on a mission, thankfully), Sasuke doubted it was the first option. And since the Godaime was actually a fairly capable leader, despite her irate drunkenness, and was just one of the many people in Konoha who were _acutely_ aware of the jinchuuriki's room to grow in intellect, among other things, he was pretty sure the second one was out, too. That left the third possibility. Sasuke gritted his teeth. He did not need to be around an overly joyous Naruto at a time like this. Sasuke could handle being in the presence of happy people even when he himself was in the pits of despair. Heck, he had spent most of his life like that. He didn't find a need to rain on anyone's parade. But today was not one of those "hold it all in until you get an aneurism" days. No. Today was a "kill anyone and everyone who dares to so much as _think_ a non-gloomy thought, be it uber-happy or simply indifferent" day. And Sasuke's Anti-Emo Radar was off the charts as soon as Naruto showed up. Someone was happy while in his presence and Sasuke simply could not allow that to pass.

"Your children will look like blind hamsters," he muttered through clenched teeth.

A crease of confusion quirked Naruto's face. "What?" Sasuke-teme always said the strangest things when he was down, _down_ in the dumps!

"Tch," the Uchiha scoffed, cursing the blonde's slowness. It was next to impossible to lower a person's spirits when they didn't understand the barbs thrown at them. There went Sasuke's plans.

"How are ya feeling today, teme?" Naruto bubbled, rocking on his toes, goofy grin still in place. Oh, if joy were an airborne poison, all the inhabitants in that section of Konoha would be on the ground, foaming at their mouths by now. That is, if anyone other than Sasuke actually lived in that section of town. Well, he was pretty sure a whole colony of cats had taken residence in a number of abandoned buildings. And they probably lived there because of the banquet of rodents that no doubt moved in shortly after the past occupants' abrupt departures. And there were always birds around. And those annoying little brats who dared each other to spend the night in the "haunted Uchiha district," too. Yeah. So, if joy were an airborne poison, those annoying trespassers would get what was coming to them and there would be a whole slew of dead animals laying about his neighbourhood. Probably start stinking up the place; rot was not pretty. He'd have to clean it all up before they started to decompose, or else they would attract more animals who would come to eat them and then those animals would get poisoned and die, adding to the mess, while attracting still more animals. It would be an annoying, vicious cycle. And heck, _he_ would probably be blamed for those delinquents' deaths when _they_ were the ones who were committing a crime by trespassing. Stupid dobe. It was all _his_ fault.

Sasuke shook his head and blinked a few times. He had been taking analogies and metaphors way too far lately. What was wrong with him? He was becoming as logically-challenged as Naruto.

"Sasuke? You okay, man?" Naruto asked, leaning toward his friend, trying to get a look at his eyes. He wasn't high, was he? "You looked like you were having one hell of a talk with yourself inside, dattebayo."

"Hn." He glared at the person who dared to breach his metre-wide comfort zone.

"And you're back!"

"What are you doing here, dobe? If it's to share your joy of love and being _not_-friends with the girl you were after, you can get the hell out. I don't want to hear it."

"Oh, you know me so well, teme, dattebayo!" Naruto grinned, waving a dismissive hand at said teme's words, as he plunked himself down on the chair opposite the bed where Sasuke brooded.

"What are you doing here?" the dark-head snapped. "This is not a tea shop; it's my house. You can't just walk in here whenever you want!"

"What?" Naruto half-screeched, truly not seeing what the big deal was. "Was I interrupting something important? Seems to me all I did was stop you from sending yourself deeper into your depression, with all your thoughts of how you can't have Sakura-chan and how you'll probably go hurt yourself and let loose your inner-emo that you've been trying and failing miserably at suppressing, dattebayo. I see so much as a scratch anywhere near the vicinity of your forearms, I'm dragging you to the psychiatric ward of the hospital, datte—"

"I _swear_, on all that is holy, if you say "dattebayo" one more time, I _will_ hurt myself."

Naruto paused a moment, seeming to contemplate Sasuke's threat. Then, realizing that the threat would bear no pain to himself—or so he thought—he continued, "—bayo."

Here, we will just say that those trespassing children hightailed it out of the Uchiha district at the sound of something they were convinced was the collective scream of every ghost haunting the abandoned buildings there. In fact, the terrifying sound only came from two, very much alive people, one fearing the impending pain of flame and the other intent on delivering said discomfort.

Once the smoke cleared, and he had sliced the fire alarm from the wall to shut it up, Sasuke sat back with a huff and muttered, "I'll be emo if I want to be emo. You're not one to talk."

"I'm not emo," Naruto wheezed, coughing out a lungful of smoke as he collapsed into the chair.

"Yes you are. You're always going," here Sasuke inserted a whiny lilt into his voice before he continued, ""The world saw me as a monster and I had no friends and they didn't have the ramen flavour I wanted and why can't the world acknowledge me? And why can't everyone bow to the will of my Jesus-complex and be happy, while I take on the weight of their troubles? And I would cut out my eye and crush it in my fist and then lick it up for my important people. I even stabbed my hand with a kunai when I was twelve to prove my determination in the only way a true emo knows how: self-mutilation.""

A frown bent Naruto's face, as the blonde sat and stared at his friend in silence for a good minute, before he finally muttered, "I don't sound like that."

"Yes you do," Sasuke sniffed.

"Do not!" Naruto insisted, voice teetering on shrill.

"You sound exactly like that. Like a slightly masculine, little girl. That's what you sound like."

"Teme!" the jinchuuriki screeched, rising to his feet, huffing deeply.

Sasuke had to smirk; it was just what he had been expecting. "Just like that," he murmured, noting Naruto's shrill, almost girlish tone.

"At least I care about people, teme! I'm an emotive person, dattebayo." He cast the Uchiha a condescending look. "At least _I_ emote positive feelings, unlike _you_, Mr. I-Don't-Like-Anything-Cuz-Everything-Sucks-Except-Me-Because-I'm-A-Cool-Avenger-And-It's-Not-Cool-For-Avengers-To-Like-Anything-Except-Avenging-And-Since-I-Am-A-Cool-Avenger-I-Don't-Like-Anything-" (deep breath) "Uchiha."

"Tch. I like things," Sasuke growled, irritated with Naruto's _dead-on_ description of him. "Not a _lot_ of things, but _things_, nonetheless. It's just that what I like doesn't like me back!" He tried to ignore the sizable pang in his chest that reverberated through his ribs, at putting his circumstances into words of the bare truth of it all.

Naruto was unaccommodating, shaking his head at what he thought was just his friend pouting over not getting his way. "Yeah, and now you're angsting over it, like some uber-emo! Ero-sennin was right; you need to learn how to let things go, dattebayo. This isn't healthy."

"Naruto," Sasuke sighed, rubbing a hand over his suddenly worn out face. "Do you understand the concept of "never"?"

"Huh? Well, _duh_, teme. I'm not stupid," the blonde scoffed, looking affronted by his friend's query.

"Then you should be able to grasp why this is as horrible as I'm saying it is and why I can't just let it go."

Naruto paused, staring blindly at a wall hanging above Sasuke's brooding form.

_Never_. The single term for "not ever." To not happen, now or in the future. _Ever._ It shall _not ever_ exist or occur. Despite all efforts, it simply will not come to fruition. Related to "impossible," "futile," and "no," preceded by "hell." A negative term.

Applied to Sasuke and his relationship with Sakura, it meant a lifetime of _not ever_ being more than what they were right now. It meant they would _ever_ be separate from one another. It meant it was _impossible_ to surpass their current situation, and so it was _futile_ to try, making any further attempts at doing so a _"hell no"_ course of action. It was _never_ going to happen.

Oh crap.

A dim light went on in Naruto's head while the good-natured sparkle in his eye faded. He tried to force his steadfast grin to his face, but it came out shaky and as far from genuine as the sentiment it attempted to convey was.

His mind was spinning with platitudes and earnest words of faux-sage wisdom, but nothing struck Naruto as appropriate for the situation. He could throw out a generic assurance, but it would be useless. Sasuke wasn't fond of words at the best of times and he hated platitudes all the time. Sasuke didn't like comfort; he liked brooding solitude and blaring silence, so he could vent, ruminate, and then seal up all emotions concerning the issue in its own special little box, never to be opened again. He would then go on with his life, ignoring his wounds, allowing them to bleed all over everything else, all the while telling himself that the superficial Band-Aid of ignorance was enough to staunch the flow of discontent. A living statue in the making, that's what he was. But Naruto wasn't sure how to bring the petrifaction process to an end. How do you explain away the loss of Forever?

If it had been any other person, Naruto would have slapped him on the back, shot out an amiable quip, and then dragged him into town to see the feminine sights of Konoha under the banner of "there are other fish in the sea."

But this was Uchiha Sasuke. And when Uchiha Sasuke devoted himself to something, he did it whole anchor. Telling him to find someone else would be like telling him to gouge out his eyes: it wasn't just one part of the whole; it was a defining necessity to _who_ he was. He had gained identity and meaning and _strength_ from this, and to just drop it where he found it for something lesser would erase all of that. Erase things that he would very much like to keep.

He needed this. This or nothing, it was as simple as that.

And because that was the only thing that would interest Sasuke to hear, but the blonde couldn't tell him it would be so, Naruto fell into one of his rare, truly mature silences, contemplation upon his face and no answers in his mind.

A muted "poof" broke the two minute silence that hung in Sasuke's room, gray smoke clearing to reveal one Hatake Kakashi, book in hand and droopy eye on its contents.

"Yo," he greeted, only to be met with a mute nod from the blonde and just muteness from the dark-head.

Whoo boy! Someone break out the Prozac air freshener because this place was rank with emo!

"Sasuke, Jiraiya-sama is waiting. He wishes to see you," the Copy-nin said quietly, carefully studying the prone and deflated form of his protégé in his peripheral.

The immobile lump remained as such, not shifting and not responding to the sensei's words. He just lay there, arm across his eyes, breathing calm and nearly imperceptible. He could have been sleeping, but Kakashi knew better. For one, Sasuke would never fall asleep alone in the same room as Naruto. Despite his age, the jinchuuriki still found drawn on moustaches and unibrows to be the funniest things in the world—Sasuke did not, nor did he ever, share that sense of humour. And in the nearly impossible event that Sasuke had been asleep when Kakashi had arrived, the youth would have awoken immediately as soon as the Copy-nin's presence began materializing in the room. He was a shinobi, after all. And even as ninja went, Sasuke was cautious. Even in his own home, but you learn that from such life experiences as the Uchiha's, Kakashi supposed.

"Sasuke," the older man repeated, wanting more than silent resentment from the younger male. "He has some questions he wants to ask you. There's more that can be done here."

"Huh? Ero-sennin thinks he can still get them together?" Naruto frowned as his memory of the pickup line disaster replayed in his head. "He told me that if a woman isn't interested, there's nothing you can do about it. If she doesn't feel that way, nothing you can do will make it different. That's what he said. Sakura-chan's not interested; what's there to do?" The Uzumaki's brow creased slightly at the thought of the Toad Sannin attempting to work something out of Sasuke's situation. It wasn't like Naruto didn't want it to be fixed, he just didn't relish the thought of Sasuke's hopes, however small they may be, rising only to be shot down again, especially since the Uchiha had already begun his own personal recovery process, complete with near catatonia-style brooding and full-blown emoness. To interrupt the process... It had better be a sure thing.

Kakashi cast purposely blank looks at his two former students. There was much knowledge behind that gaze, but he let none of it show as he spoke, "There are some ambiguities that we must clear up before we can truly say it's a lost cause, Naruto. Women are complicated beings. As such, we cannot hastily jump to conclusions where they are concerned, even when the truth seems obvious. There are always other sides to a story. Sometimes we need other people to see it for us, though." He watched the yet-to-move form of the Uchiha as he spoke. The guy hadn't shifted a cell. But Kakashi knew his student—they were very similar, after all. Sasuke was listening intently to every word. And the fact that he hadn't moved nor said anything meant he was contemplating it. He was _hoping_. That was good. If there was one thing Sasuke needed—had _always_ needed—it was hope.

"We'll be waiting at the room," Kakashi said, before poofing away, knowing the younger man wouldn't appreciate being silently nagged by his continued presence. Besides, he knew Sasuke would come. Hope was a difficult thing to deny oneself, especially one as inexperienced in the feeling of that particular sentiment as Sasuke was. He wouldn't know how to deny such an ardent emotion, so different from his usual vapid irritation and mild amusement, and so alien to his boiling rage and burning hate. Hope was a light that had burned out long ago, snuffed by blood on a night black as pitch. To feel it again must be nothing short of novel; a confusing and undeniable experience, to be sure, but not frightening, no. Uchiha Sasuke wasn't scared of _anything_, after all. Which was the only reason this spark was running its course. Pride generally got a bad rap, but sometimes, as in this instance, it was as necessary as the humbling actions that would need to be performed when Sasuke finally got through his issues in regards to Sakura.

* * *

"Yeesh. You look like me after being thrown out a window by Tsunade and going on a weekend bender! And it hasn't even been twenty-four hours since you were shot down. You work fast, man," Jiraiya said, watching Sasuke with amused eyes. He leaned forward slightly, squinting as something on Sasuke's face seemed to have caught his eye. "Is that a five o'clock shadow?"

The Uchiha stepped away from the studying gaze with a huff. "Can we just get on with whatever inhumane torture you've cooked up?" he muttered, casting himself against the wall by the door, apparently poised for a quick escape should Jiraiya's "genius thoughts" turn out to be unacceptable.

Naruto snickered at the sour look on his best friend's face, walking over to a rickety chair by the Sannin. "He has a date with Ben and Jerry should this fall through, Ero-sennin. Something with cookie dough in it, right teme?"

"Shut it, usuratonkachi," the troubled ex-avenger snapped, eyes narrowed dangerously on the grinning blonde.

"Ho... You look like crap's crap, Uchiha."

Sasuke's death glare shifted to the dark-haired male in the other corner. "You want to die, Hyuuga?"

"Seems to me that you're the only one here with a death wish," Neji shot back, looking Sasuke over meaningfully. Turning slightly to Naruto, he pretended to speak to the blonde privately, all the while knowing that the Uchiha could hear him. "Did you check his wrists for cuts?"

"Yeah," Naruto nodded. "He's intact."

"How about drugs? Were there any suspiciously empty pill bottles near him when you went to see him?"

"Nope. Well, there was some cough syrup by his bed, which I thought he might be using to drown his sorrows in, but it was barely tapped. Caught him in the nick of time! But I'm just awesome like that, dattebayo," Naruto quipped with a falsely humble shrug.

"I had a coughing fit last night," Sasuke grumbled, glaring at the two conversing males as they continued to ignore him and discussed Sasuke's supposed substance abuse and self-mutilation.

"Oh, yeah, and Neji?" Naruto said, snapping his fingers as his memory kicked in.

"Yes?"

"You have a date with Tenten-chan tonight at seven. Wear something nice!" He flashed a bright grin while giving the Hyuuga a wink and the two finger-guns of assurance.

"What?!" Neji shouted, eyes widening as his face reddened and his blood pressure rose.

Naruto began to whine, huffing at the injustice of his situation. "I _had_ to hook you up with her! It would have blown my cover if I hadn't!" he cried, flailing his arms in a desperate need to make his point.

"Uzumaki," Neji hissed, narrowed eyes cast in shadow. "I am going to kill you."

"I knew you'd say that..." the jinchuuriki sighed, shaking his head at the ceiling. "But, I mean, she's pretty hot, right? It won't be too bad, dattebayo!"

Here, Neji lunged at Naruto in a blur of beige and brown, intent on delivering a world of hurt to the conniving blonde.

Completely ignoring the scuffle and the shrill screams coming from his protégé, Jiraiya assessed Sasuke as the youth stared blankly at the violence before him. The kid wasn't even taking a small bit of joy in his rival's pain. This depression of rejection had influenced Sasuke's sadism! The end of all was nigh!

Right then, Jiraiya realized that he would have to work fast if he were to save the progress from this past week and convince Sasuke to continue with it.

"Well, Sasuke," Jiraiya began, leaning against his desk. "I think it's time we start our little salvage operation."

Sasuke looked at the older man with flat eyes. "What's there to do? She wants to be friends. That's what she said. There's no point in pursuing this anymore."

A knowing smile quirked Jiraiya's lips. "What did she say to you?"

"I told you, she said she just wants to be friends."

"No, no." The white-haired man shook his head at Sasuke's narrow-minded stubbornness. "I need the exact words she used."

The Uchiha frowned, shrugging at the request. "Why? It all amounts to the same thing."

"Not necessarily," Jiraiya said, raising a point-making finger in rebuttal. "The wording a woman uses is vital in untangling the ulterior meanings of what they say. Now tell me."

A sigh left Sasuke's lips as he cast his serious gaze to the rickety chair nearby, staring hard at the wood grain on it. "She said, "I just want to be your friend, Sasuke-kun.""

"Mmhmmmm… And?"

Sasuke's head snapped up. "And what?"

"Did you say anything to that?"

"No."

"Okay, then what did she say after that?"

"Tch," he huffed, leaning against the wall more, already fed-up with Jiraiya's questions. Reliving the slap in the face that Sakura's words had been was not on the top of his to-do list today. "Something about never asking for what she's asked of me in the past… Just wanting to be acknowledged by me as a friend rather than a nuisance who's just interrupting my alone time with Nar—" He stopped abruptly, eyes widening in a distasteful grimace. "Rather than as a nuisance," he finished with a mutter, looking off to the side.

Jiraiya looked up with a raised eyebrow. "What was that you were about to say there, Sasuke?"

"Nothing."

"Eh heh heh! I bet I know!" Naruto chuckled, grinning from ear to ear at his friend's expense as he dragged himself to his feet, Neji's assault having just completed its course. "She thinks you have the hots for me, doesn't she?! Ah hahahahaha! That's priceless! Disgusting! But still priceless!" The blonde snorted as he continued to laugh at the idea, pointing in glee at Sasuke's glowering face.

"What?" the Toad Sannin grunted, frowning in confusion. "Why would Sakura think you…?"

"Sakura-chan thinks Sasuke's gay, dattebayo," Naruto explained, a smile still in his voice. "Or at least that there's a very good chance that he is."

Jiraiya cast a glance over at Sasuke, eyes turning up at their corners as he failed to suppress his own grin. "Hmmhmmhmmha Haa ha ha! That's great!"

Sasuke was not amused by the other males' enjoyment of his misfortune. "It's not funny," he snapped. "You don't know the trouble it's caused me. And she thinks I'm after him!" He made a stabbing motion in Naruto's direction. "She created this elaborate story in her head that I had threatened the Hyuuga to try and separate you two."

"You better not have, teme!" Naruto shouted, body suddenly tense and threatening.

"Dobe! Shut up! If I'm going to threaten anyone, it's going to be you!"

"My, my," Jiraiya hummed, face forcibly serious as he put a hand to his chin in faux thought. "Yours is a violent relationship, isn't it? Naruto, you should respect yourself more and get yourself away from him."

"Ero-sennin!"

"AARR!" (Yes, Sasuke was so irate, he went pirate on them!)

"Hey, hey! Take it easy!" the Sannin said, waving his hands in a "calm down" motion. "It's nothing to get all worked up over. So your lady love thinks you like boys. Bid deal. _I've_ been misconstrued as gay before." At the questioning looks he received, he elaborated, "Apparently I become highly fashion conscious when I'm drunk. Who'd have thought?" He shrugged. "You just need to tell it to her straight, is all. Show her what you _really_ like!" A lascivious light lit his eyes as he said that.

"He can't show her what he really likes," Naruto sighed loudly. "She won't let him near her like that because she thinks he's freaking GAY!"

"Shout it louder, will you dobe?!" the ex-avenger snapped, glaring menacingly at the blonde.

"HARUNO SAKURA-CHAN THINKS UCHIHA SASUKE-TEME IS GMMFFGGLLMMHH!!"

In a quick, violent motion, Sasuke lunged at Naruto and somehow tackled the Uzumaki to the floor, restraining his arms behind his back and squishing his face into the hardwood floor with a foot, making it impossible for Naruto to properly speak, just the way Sasuke wanted it.

"Naruto," Sasuke spoke quietly and extremely evenly.

"Hmm?" the addressed teen hummed.

"Right now…at this point in my life…with the way things have been going for me…I'm finding myself _really_ trying to resist the urge to kill myself. And being near you and listening to you speak does not help me do that. So…be the friend that you've been claiming to be, and s_hut the hell up_."

"Hm!"

"Good."

"Well," Jiraiya sighed, running a hand through his white mane. "We need to get started on getting her to understand you. Then after that, we can resume the training."

Sasuke shook his head, irritated with the older man's words. "I already told you; there's no point. She just wants to be friends."

"Ah, this is where conversation skills come in handy, Sasuke," Jiraiya corrected, wagging a finger at the Uchiha. "Sakura said she just wants to be your friend. That she'll never ask for something like what she's asked of you in the past, yes?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's quite likely that she's saying that to protect herself."

Sasuke frowned. "Protect herself from what?"

"You breaking her heart again. She wanted more from you before, but you turned her down and ignored her. She thinks you've been pushing her away because you don't want her getting it into her head that you want her close to you the way _she_ wants to be close to you. So, as a different route to getting near you, she's offered straight-up friendship. No strings attached. It's not what she really wants, but she thinks it's the closest she'll ever get to you, so it will have to do. She's giving up her desire to be more than your friend so that she can at least have some manner of relationship with you, rather than the tumultuous nothing that's been going on this past while."

The dark-head blinked at the explanation. "And you got all that from two of her sentences?" he deadpanned.

"Yes," the Sannin nodded. "You'll find that women are a lot more loquacious than they initially seem when you learn to read between the lines, Sasuke. Their words are rarely the only things they're saying, if you catch my drift."

Sasuke mulled over Jiraiya's words for a few minutes, weighing them carefully. "I'm not convinced," he finally said with a shake of his head. "This is just a huge gamble. She could really _not_ be interested. I can't... I can't do that."

"Can't or won't?" Jiraiya challenged.

"I can't so I won't."

"Really? Because from here it sounds like you _won't_, so you're saying you can't as an excuse."

"No," Sasuke snapped, irritated that the Sannin had drawn him into yet another "meaning" debate. "I _can't_ do it because your theory is built on suppositions and I know that acting on conjecture never turns out well."

"Yet your assertion that my theory is faulty is based on your own _supposition_ that I'm wrong, making the reason you "can't" act on it false, and therefore making the reason for your lack of action because you _won't_ do it, not because you _can't_."

They stared back and forth between each other for a few moments, Jiraiya's face the picture of self-assurance, Sasuke's the picture of grudging defeat.

With a huff, Sasuke looked away, mutely ceding to Jiraiya. "So... You're saying, even though she said she just wants to be my friend, that doesn't mean that that's what she really meant?" Sasuke summed up, wanting to be certain he wasn't misunderstanding anything. There had been far too much of that happening with him lately.

That's exactly what I'm saying," Jiraiya answered, nodding.

"Why couldn't she just say it to me straight, then? She keeps telling me to do that but she doesn't do it herself."

"Sakura won't say it to you because she has done that in the past but it didn't turn out well," Kakashi explained, turning another page in his book. "To put it in terms you'll understand, I'm going to use the allegory from your genin days. In order to understand Sakura, as you used to, you're going to have to learn how to see underneath the underneath."

"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto interrupted, his face a mask of malcontent. "Shouldn't it just be "seeing underneath," instead of "seeing underneath the underneath"? Sakura-chan only used _one_ layer to cover the truth so there's only one layer to see under, therefore it's only "seeing underneath.""

"Well, that's not really the point of the saying," Kakashi sighed. "But...I'll humour you. Her top layer, of wanting to be friends with Sasuke, is a split layer itself, since it's partially true but not entirely so, making it a double layer, thus "seeing underneath the underneath.""

"And there's also her anger and violence," Neji offered. "That adds to the distortion of the truth; adds layers."

Naruto frowned. "Well, then it's gotta be "seeing underneath the underneath the underneath the underneath," dattebayo."

"Naruto, I think you're missing the meaning of the term..." Kakashi said wearily.

"You're saying I'm not seeing underneath the underneath of the meaning of seeing underneath the underneath the undern—"

"Dobe, shut up! Geez!" Sasuke shouted, glaring at the others with twitching eyes. "I don't _care_ how many _layers_ of subterfuge Sakura's working with or how many "underneaths" that classifies the situation as! Just shut up and let the pervert talk!" After receiving blank, confused looks, Sasuke clarified, "_That_ pervert," he thumbed in Jiraiya's direction, "not you two."

Kakashi and Naruto shrugged in acknowledgement that they understood that neither of them was the pervert Sasuke was referring to.

"Well, Sasuke," the Toad Sannin began, looking thoughtful and serious as he formulated the words of wisdom he would impart to the hopeless Uchiha. "I'm going to lay this out there as I see it. You're probably not going to like this but it's the only way." He eyed Sasuke carefully as he explained, "Sakura's not hoping for things from you anymore. She's not watching for possible affection from you and if she ever catches it, she'll just wave it off as her imagination. Because of this, the only way for you to get her to see you differently is for you to say it up front, as blunt as can be. That's it. This will make it or break it, because this is your last shot. I cannot stress enough just how important it is that you don't go Nancy on her and bite your tongue when you should spill your guts. That's your problem, you know. You say what you shouldn't and don't say what you should. Am I going to have to repeat myself, yet again?"

"Tch. No," Sasuke muttered. ""Tell it to her straight. Clarify. Make my intentions clear." I got it."

"Well, I know you understand the _theory_ behind it, but you've yet to demonstrate full comprehension of it through exhibition. I mean, what's so hard about saying, "Sakura-chan, baby! I think you're sexy as hell. What do ya say we head on over to my place so we can further _explore_ that topic with _hands-on_ demonstrations?"?"

Sasuke's face went from a scowl to a full-blown grimace of disbelief and distaste. "What the hell is wrong with you?! I will _never_ say that! I-I mean, my goodness! Who talks like that? Does that even work?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised by the things women will fall for," Jiraiya answered airily. "They can be the shrewdest of operators, never ones to let a man's indiscretions pass them by, yet at the same time, they'll fall for the cheesiest lines. They're contradictions personified. That's why we'll never understand them." His voice quickly became musing as he continued, "But we try, Sasuke. We will always, _always_ fail at it, but still, we will try. Women are contradictions and men are devout practitioners of futility. Maybe that's why we go so well together: they're impossible to understand and we find it impossible to stop trying to understand them."

"Mmm. Truly sage, _Ero-sennin_," Sasuke commented dryly.

"I'll have my moments, Sasuke," Jiraiya quipped, opting to ignore the insult and just let the boy have his snappish moment; it was just the frustration talking, anyway.

After today, the Uchiha would have respect for him like never before, anyway. That was what had happened with Naruto.

Through the entirety of their therapy, the blonde had been belligerent and an avid unbeliever of Jiraiya's ways. But yesterday, after leaving Sasuke's place to allow the ex-avenger his space, Naruto had run into his cute and concerned lady love, Hinata, and the healing had begun.

He had tensed up at first, all manner of rationale fleeing before the encroachment of the fear of small hands wandering where they ought not be. But, as the timid girl relayed an abridged account of her day's events, complete with her odd encounter with Sasuke and the ample concern she had for her cousin's state of mind—and why would Neji-nii-san be muttering, "Please, Haruno-sama. It's my crowning glory!" under his breath?—Naruto found that his panic and terror had been grossly misplaced. Watching Hinata describe Neji's apparent newfound respect for her fighting techniques that were apparently "_definitely_ every bit as formidable as any _male_ shinobi's techniques, just like Haruno-sama said," and seeing the shy blush that still painted her cheeks when in his presence and the well-hidden insecurities she still carried with her, even as she attempted to be strong before him, he couldn't help but feel like a complete and total retard.

This was Hinata-chan. _His_ Hinata-chan. There wasn't a thing about her that scared Naruto except for the prospect of her leaving him.

Then it had hit him: Hinata-chan wasn't the problem; _other_ women were! So, all he had to do was avoid the company of other females and stay around Hinata-chan at all cost and he'd be fine! Yes! And there was no need to worry about being molested; Hinata-chan wasn't terribly _handsy_ like that. And if she did choose to be so, Naruto was certain she would be very gentle about it. She would understand his discomfort and how he was damaged goods that needed to be handled with care.

_Wow. Ero-sennin's crap-talk actually works! I'm cured!_

He had opted to ignore the fact that he had really only cleared his fear away from _one_ member of the female persuasion, and had dumped it all on the rest of them, not really being cured, but just reassigning the source so his denial could flourish as usual. But to Naruto that had been enough. Especially when he saw Hinata's blush deepen when he finally held her hand for the first time in a week.

Now, Naruto had nothing but praise for the Way of the Gallant Jiraiya. And the Sannin was certain Sasuke would be the same once he got his act together.

The Uchiha in question was clearly thinking hard on Jiraiya's words.

Just say it. Just _say_ it. That's all. So simple. He should be able to do that. He _should_ be.

_How am I going to do this? And if I do say it, what if she doesn't believe me? What if she doesn't care? What if the old pervert is wrong?_

The thought of working up the nerve to confess something like lo—like _that_ to Sakura only to have her laugh in his face or simply say no, was enough to send shockwaves through Sasuke's resolve. He didn't handle defeat well and rejection was the worst form of defeat; it largely had to do with another person's thoughts. _They_ determined the outcome. You could try to influence them but, in the end, it was their decision that determined the result—_your_ fate rested almost completely in another person's hands. That wasn't a situation that Sasuke was often in. On missions, his fate was largely in his own hands, dependent upon his own performance and ability. This was more like a hostage situation; he could plead his case, but Sakura would still do as she saw fit. There was no guarantee of life here. She could ruin him, quite effortlessly and he would have no guard, no protection from it.

Could he do that? Could he put all that he was out for weighing before the discerning eyes of someone who had _no_ reason to not see him as a waste of time?

Lost in his thoughts, Sasuke barely registered the odd looks he was receiving from the room's other occupants, or the calls Naruto shouted after him as he wandered out the door.

_Can I do that?_

The prospect unsettled him in ways he rarely was affected, which only served to complete the vicious cycle of it unsettling him further that he could be so unsettled.

To attempt to gain something and have all endeavours destroyed was utterly crushing, he knew. H had experienced such in his earlier attempts at avenging his clan. He had wanted it so badly and he had worked so hard for it, only to be thwarted effortlessly. That situation had been founded on hate, the very opposite of the instance he found himself in now. But the desire—the _need_—was the same, as was the hold it held on his life.

A wayward glance offered his listless eyes a glimpse of his reflection in a dingy window.

_Huh. I really do look like crap's crap. And it's only been one day. What will forever like this do to me?_

The thought hit him hard.

_Sakura..._

He needed to get cleaned up.

* * *

She was on her way back from the training grounds when he found her, just off the beginnings of Konoha's streets.

He didn't have much of a plan. After washing up and finagling his hair into a less mad scientist-like coif than he had been sporting earlier, Sasuke had headed out in search of the tell-tale pink head that belonged to the kunoichi he sought. All of his attention was devoted to just finding her; he was near frantic when he didn't find her within the first ten minutes, his overactive mind conjuring images of her going on a date with some guy and then eloping with him and miraculously getting pregnant and giving birth to triplets—who had green eyes but were _not_ little _Uchiha_ minions—that very same day. Yeah. Logic told him that was impossible, but panic had a mean right hook and had sucker punched logic, as Sasuke sped through town seeking to thwart the plans of the nonexistent man who was trying to steal Sakura away. When he finally found her—_alone_—Sasuke promised himself that he would _discreetly_ ask Sakura for the name of the shrink she visited (read: break into her house when she wasn't around and get the name from her list of contacts); even he knew he needed mental help after his little internal freak-out.

Sakura let out a quiet gasp when Sasuke leapt in front of her as she made her way into town. She nearly ran into him, but stopped herself with a sudden jerk, taking a few uncoordinated steps back so she didn't have to stare straight up to see who had so rudely interrupted her trek.

"Sasuke-kun..." she murmured hesitantly, a frown forming on her face as she tried to discern the reason for the Uchiha's abrupt presence before her by gauging his facial expression. She quickly gave herself a mental kick, laughing at herself for thinking she could determine _anything_ from Sasuke's disposition. The faces on Hokage Mountain were more expressive.

"You lied to me," he spoke quietly, watching Sakura evenly.

She had to blink at that. "What?"

"You lied to me, Sakura," he repeated, eyeing her carefully as he attempted to string together a plan for what he was about to do. He hadn't even planned on saying what he had just said to her. He had no idea what he was doing, only that he had to do _something_.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sasuke-kun." She shook her head at the Uchiha's strange activity.

A surge of panic swept through Sasuke at her words. What if she was telling the truth here? What if she had been telling the truth and she really did only want to be friends? But he shook the thought from his mind. To think of such now... He couldn't do it. She just didn't know what he was accusing her of lying about. That was all. He had to elaborate. He had to _clarify_.

"You don't just want to be friends," he continued, watching her face as she paled a few shades and her eyes widened ever so slightly. Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't have been a good sign, but right now that was just what he was looking for. "That's not what you want. That's not what you're after."

She was shaking her head insistently before he had finished speaking, her eyes wide and he could tell she was trying to keep them bright with a calm look, but her own panic was seeping through. "No, it is," she answered, but her voice was too high. "I told you, I promise that's all I want. I'm not after anything else from you."

"You're not after anything else, but you still hope for it. Don't you?" he asked quietly, hesitantly. Here was unstable territory—his heart was half-way out of his chest it was beating so fast.

She looked away, her form rigid. "…No."

His eyes narrowed on her slightly when he said, "Is that a "no," or a "yes" poorly concealed within a "no"?"

Sakura jerked, mildly as could be, but Sasuke still saw it. He was getting at something, he just didn't know if it was something he _wanted_ to get at.

_Was it true? Or was she just protecting herself?_

"That depends," Sakura began slowly, not meeting his eyes. "If it's a poorly concealed "yes" will you not allow us to be friends? Because I really do want that." Her eyes rose to meet his gaze, their light no longer panicky, but ardent. "I don't want it to be like it is right now. It's not…_fair_ that Naruto gets to be around you all the time but I don't. I'm your teammate too, you know. I worked just as hard trying to bring you back. And it wasn't about me wanting you back. At least...not _mostly_. I did it for Naruto and the team, not just for me. It wasn't like I was thinking you'd come back and we'd be together." Her brow furrowed as her eyes dropped to the ground between them. "But I had hoped that you'd respect me after," she almost mumbled. "That you'd see me as a peer, not a tagalong."

A flash of guilt shot through Sasuke's chest at her words. He knew exactly what she was talking about. That was just another thing he was going to have to set right with her soon. His disrespect for her abilities had never been intended to become what it had. It just always came out wrong, as did most things he said in Sakura's presence. He hoped she could look past that for the time being, just long enough for her to understand what he had sought her out to say. He would find a way to make up for his indiscretions later. _Soon_, but not _now_.

"Sakura, I... I don't want to be your friend," he spoke lowly, forcing himself to meet her eyes, even as it became uncomfortable. "If I said that we could be friends it would be a lie because that's not how we are."

"But-But we could be!" Sakura insisted, face pinched in distress as Sasuke denied her friendship. "Just because we're _not_ doesn't mean we _can't_!"

"Yes, it does," he said, watching her entire body flinch at the answer.

She went still, thoughts, screams, and questions whirling through her mind before they muted to a singular realization.

"It's just never going to be enough, is it?" she spoke quietly, eyes on the ground before they hardened and snapped up onto him. "I'm just not the type of person you will ever want as your friend, am I?"

"That's right," Sasuke said, watching her closely as he formulated his words. "But it's not about being "enough." It's more like you and I aren't suited to being friends."

"Why not?" Sakura asked, a pained look shifting across her features as her eyes became glassy, moist.

Sasuke shifted, warring internally with the urge to stop talking and to just say it as he should have from the start.

"Because I don't feel that way about you. You don't mean the same thing to me as Naruto does. That's why you can't be my friend...like he is." He watched her emotions as they shifted across her face and he steeled himself as he hoped against hope that she would accept his words, his meaning. "You don't really want to be my friend, Sakura. And I don't want to be yours. And we both don't want to be friends for the same reason."

Sakura's brow puckered as she tried to give voice to her confusion, but he interrupted before she could speak.

"I don't want to be your friend because I want to be more than that with you. Not with some other woman and _definitely_ not with the dobe." He grimaced at the thought. "With you. That is...if you want to be with me."

Wide, green eyes met his look with shock while her slightly parted lips were silent. A small measure of her wits seemed to return to her, and some of Sasuke's tension almost disappeared until Sakura just had to ask, "Are you doing this to make Naruto think you've moved on from him?"

"Sakura!" Sasuke half-shouted, barely restraining himself from shaking her by the shoulders. "I'm not interested in that moron! I'm interested in _you_. Not as a replacement or a-a _placeholder_ or a _diversion_ for my other preferences—because I don't _have_ any—just you."

"Me?" she breathed out, frowning slightly again. "Why didn't you just say it before?"

He winced mildly. "It takes me a while to get things right, Sakura."

She nodded at that and Sasuke chose to ignore the stab his ego took from the movement.

He had been slowly gravitating toward her through their entire conversation, but he was only now noticing that he had done so. What was it about Sakura that threw him off his game so completely? He wondered if he would ever know.

Sasuke wasn't used to having Sakura so close, since she had given him considerable space since his return. But he found that he didn't dislike the infringement on his metre-wide comfort zone. Not at all.

There was something he ought to be doing right now, he knew. Something in regards to lips...but his mind was blank. Thankfully it seemed that Sasuke's body knew what to do, judging by the slowly closing gap between them, even if it was taking its own sweet time doing so.

"Psst! Teme! This is the part where you kiss her!"

Aaannnddd the movements were frozen as both Sasuke and Sakura tensed up and turned toward the source of their interruption.

"Naruto! You moment-killer! We were finally getting somewhere good and you just _had_ to open your mouth! There goes my material!" Jiraiya lamented, casting his notebook to the ground in disgust.

"Well, he was taking forever!" Naruto defended, voice screechy. "How hard is it to plant your lips on hers?! I mean, come on! I was _helping_, dattebayo!"

"Yes and they look _so_ grateful, too," Kakashi murmured, nodding at the new couple who was sending disbelieving, _dark_ looks Naruto's way.

"You might as well have put your hand between their faces, for as much help you were," Neji commented dryly, looking away from the blonde in that aloof manner of his.

A din of agitated voices rose behind them, as a bustle of bodies formed a crowd in the previously quiet street. There seemed to be a commotion in one of the street's shops, a women's swimwear and lingerie store, by all appearances. The patrons were fleeing and screaming some choice words back at someone, anger, embarrassment, and insult apparent on their faces.

A familiar green form came crashing through the boutique's window moments later, appearing as a Nerf ball thrown by a giant as it tumbled into the door of the shop on the opposite side of the street.

The person lay crumpled and unmoving for a few moments before they slowly peeled themselves off the door and leapt to their feet, a flash of ocean spray and an impossible sunset framing their form.

"Oh—"

"My—"

"Tch."

"Is that...?"

"Ho boy..."

"Ladies! Your Youthful energy is most alluring! Why don't we see if we can't channel that Youthful Fire into something a little more hands on?! Let us enjoy our Springtime of Youth to its fullest by stoking each others' Flame of Youth!"

Yes. It was none other than Rock Lee who had apparently been peeping in the fitting rooms of the now vacant shop. _The_ Rock Lee.

All males present in the group turned suspicious eyes on the Toad Sannin.

"What the hell did you do to him, Jiraiya-sama?" Kakashi asked lowly, mindful of Sakura's presence—who was oblivious to their activities of the past week and ought to remain that way—but still too shocked to ask the question in a more polite manner.

"Hm, hm!" the white-haired man stifled a pleased laugh. "I cured him, that's what! Five straight days of nonstop _Icha Icha_! Six hours a day of listening to _Icha Icha_ audio books. Six hours of watching the _Icha Icha_ movies. Six hours of having the books themselves flipped open before him—subconscious memory is a powerful thing. And six hours of direct tutorial from yours truly. This process was repeated daily for the five days I've had him under my experimental therapy."

Kakashi stared back at the Sannin, awe and disbelief on his face. "When did he sleep?"

"Didn't!" Jiraiya answered with a wide smile. "I had to break him to my will. Sleep deprivation is one of the best ways to do that, as all ninja know."

The Copy-nin watched the older man for a few quiet moments, his mind whirring. "Jiraiya-sama... Did you ever work for ANBU's torture and interrogation division?"

"Heh! Wouldn't you like to know!"

"My eternal rival, Kakashi! Jiraiya-sama!" A large, green blur came to a sudden stop before the two addressed shinobi. Maito Gai had arrived and he looked more harried than ever, his eyes darting about anxiously, his entire body coiled tight, ready to spring into action at any moment. "I believe your therapy has gone awry! My dear, adorable Lee is partaking in _lewd and lascivious acts_! He's hitting on girls left, right, and centre! And he's even been..._peeping on them_!" Gai slapped his hands over his mouth, shaking his head as his thick eyebrows wrinkled in distress.

The Toad Sannin simply let out a booming laugh and answered, "I know! I taught him well. All that I know, really."

"Jiraiya-sama!" the Green Beast gasped, staring at the Sannin as though the older man had just let out a string of obscenities in front of five-year-olds. "That's not what I thought you were intending for adorable Lee! This is a crisis of Youth! I cannot watch my dear student turn to a life of debauchery, using his Youth-given good looks and the self-enforced discipline I myself taught him for such _Unyouthful_ endeavours! This must be stopped! If I cannot stop him, I shall die with him as I bring an end to this madness!" he cried, making his vow to the heavens with an outstretched fist as holy rays shone down from the suddenly parted clouds and righteous fire burned in his eyes.

"Oh no you don't!" Jiraiya shouted, towering over the other man. "That's my successor, right there. The heir to the _Icha Icha_ legacy! The next generation's _ERO-SENNIN_!" Fireworks suddenly shot off behind a proudly posing Jiraiya when he made that declaration.

_He says that like it's a title to be proud of,_ the nearby youth grumbled to themselves.

A leering Lee suddenly sprang up in front of a Sakura, making the girl jump back into Sasuke who was automatically scowling at the man who dared to get so close to the kunoichi.

Lee's unique eyes quickly looked the girl before him up and down, before he flashed one of his blinding smiles and said, "Sakura-san! Angel face! I think you're sexy as heck. What do you say we head on over to my place—"

"_Fuzzy-eyebrows_," Sasuke hissed through gritted teeth, recognizing that particular line coming from Jiraiya himself and _certainly_ not relishing the thought of someone actually using it on _his_ woman. After the hell he had recently endured to get her, there was _no way_ he was going to watch as another man tried to take her away, even if he knew Sakura would never go for Lee's proposition. She'd probably smack him hard for it.

... ... ...

... ...Hmmm...

...

On second thought, she was a big girl. Strong, too. She could handle this. It might even be entertaining.

"Lee-san," Sakura spoke calmly, smiling at the older male, even if it was a little strained. "Though I think you're a wonderful person, I simply cannot have you asking me such..._things_. I'm with Sasuke-kun now, see?"

"Oh, he doesn't have to know!" Lee said amiably, waving off Sakura's gentle rejection with a movement that brought his hand _dangerously_ close to the kunoichi's chest. "Our burning Flames of Youth cannot be denied, fair and sexy Sakura-san!"

Sasuke initiated his most lethal glare and directed it squarely at the Rock, as his teeth gritted and he bit out, "_I...am right here, Fuzzy-eyebrows._"

"Oh, Sakura-chan's gonna pound him into dust, dattebayo!" Naruto stage whispered as he and Neji watched on from their position a couple metres back.

"Let's hope," the Hyuuga muttered, distaste for his teammate's new persona creasing his face.

"Hey, don't you have to get to your date with Tenten-chan?" Naruto asked, peeking in a shop window to check a clock. "It's six-thirty, man! Don't want to be late and you still gotta go change." An over-excited light sparked in his blue eyes as he bounced on his toes, waved his hand about energetically and practically squealed, "Ooh! Wear that dark gray outfit of yours. It'll go well with what Tenten-chan will be wearing, dattebayo."

"There is a special place in hell reserved for idiots like you, Naruto," Neji spat as he headed for home and a date with _fear_.

Back with Lee, Sakura, and Sasuke, things were rapidly turning violent, but not in the way Sasuke had hoped.

"Sasuke-kun, don't!" Sakura cried, putting herself between the Uchiha and Lee, her back to the latter, who took the opportunity to ogle her rear, inciting a low growl from Sasuke. "Can't you tell he's not well?" she spoke, a reproachful look upon her face. "I mean, this is kind of your fault, anyway."

"What?!" Sasuke practically shrieked in disbelief. "_I_ didn't do this to him. He was a blubbering pile of trembling tears because of what _I_ did. This has nothing to do with me."

The kunoichi was not convinced. "This is obviously a defence mechanism for him to deal with what you did to him!"

"No, it's not! It's because of that perv—" He stopped abruptly, remembering the warning they had all been given just before they had left the dingy hotel room on their very first day of tutelage under Jiraiya. They were never to disclose their therapy to others, particularly not to females. He couldn't tell Sakura what was really going on here; it would _not_ go well. Crap.

A piece of advice from Jiraiya's newest book, where they had gotten their pickup lines from, came to mind as he considered the argument he was in right now: _"Nine times out of ten, an argument can be resolved in your favour if you simply cede to the woman's assertions, whether or not she's actually right."_

Okay. Pride was going to have to take a timeout right now. Deep breaths, Sasuke.

"Right," he choked out, unable to make eye contact as he kept his pride locked up in its rarely-used holding cell and lied through his teeth for the sake of harmony. And this was only the first day of their relationship. Nice.

"What?" Sakura asked, frowning with wide eyes at Sasuke's gruff response. He didn't say what she thought he did, did he?

"You're...right," Sasuke practically gasped out, mouth feeling unto cotton as he swallowed as surreptitiously as possible.

There was an extended silence, wherein Sakura seemed to go to a place within herself, eyes glazed over and... Oh lordy! Tell him those weren't tears!

"Sakura?" Sasuke asked hesitantly, lost by her actions, as he often was.

"I have always dreamed of you saying that to me one day," she sniffed, swiping at her lashes before they lost their moisture and letting out a short laugh accompanied by a smile.

Sasuke stared at her as though she had turned green and sprouted trees from her skull. Who dreamt of _that_? And weren't they arguing? But now she was smiling widely, completely serene. Was she bipolar?

"Hey, Sasuke-kun," Sakura grinned, pulling him down the street. "We just had our first fight!"

"Uh... I'm...sorry?" he offered, completely at a loss as to how to respond to that. _Is she disappointed? Angry, but pretending not to be? But she sounded happy..._

"Sorry? What for?" she laughed, smiling back at him. "It's a memorable event! At least it happened on the day we got together, that way it will be easy for you to remember the anniversary for it."

Anniversary? Of their first fight? Why would anyone...?

He glanced over at Sakura and just by the contented look on her face, so soon after being upset with him, he _knew_ he was in over his head again.

* * *

A quiet knock carried through the door as Sasuke's knuckles rapped against the dark wood. It was embarrassing and he was loathe to do it, but Sasuke knew of no other recourse.

The door opened and he was greeted with an unsurprised, _knowing_ smile from one Toad Sannin.

"She's insane," was all he said, to which Jiraiya's smile widened as he gestured for Sasuke to enter the room.

"I've been expecting you," Jiraiya said, closing the door.

"Hey, teme."

"Uchiha."

Sasuke blinked as he realized he wasn't the only one seeking Jiraiya's help again. "What are you two doing here?"

Oppressive condescension radiated from Neji as he explained, "Naruto freaked out at Hanabi-sama when she stood too close to him, which naturally disturbed Hiashi-sama. Hinata-sama is trying to calm the situation while Naruto gets himself out of the pit of denial he's apparently backslid into."

"And Neji's date with Tenten-chan went _very_ well," Naruto said, describing the reason for the Hyuuga's presence with as much arrogance as Neji had supplied. "When he took her home, she was fiddling with her keys—_obvious_ invitation for a little lip locking, dattebayo! The idiot thought she couldn't see her keys in the dark, so he took them and did it for her! Practically shoved her inside and shut the door in her face! Moron! There was pretty much a whole battery of missiles shooting after him from her house, dattebayo."

Neji shifted the ice pack on his face enough to level a Class-1 glare at the blonde.

Sasuke stared at his two incompetent peers, wondering at the insanity and idiocy that bred such actions, when he came to a conclusion.

"I think...I can do this on my own," Sasuke said slowly, edging back toward the door. "I thought I needed this but...you guys..." He shook his head in quiet awe. "You guys are _way_ more challenged than me. I mean, you guys are _freaks_."

"That's the spirit, Sasuke!" Jiraiya boomed with a wide smile. "Confidence with women! You now have it! Now, go get some hot lovin' from—"

"Shut up!" he shouted as he headed down the hall.

"Heh, heh!" Jiraiya chuckled, closing the door quietly and leaning against it, sharing knowing looks with Naruto and Neji. "He'll be back," he sighed. "We haven't even touched on how to handle a PMSing woman. When that explosion hits, he'll come crawling back for the wondrous tutelage of the Gallant Jiraiya. Now then! Naruto! Neji! You're going to get this right! I will teach you this, even if it kills you!"

"Uhh...Ero-sennin?" Naruto said hesitantly, frowning. "Don't you mean, "Even if it kills _me_"?"

"Hell no! Why would I do something that would kill me? I'm worth ten of you. _I'm_ not the problem here. You brats are! Now get out your books," he ordered, paging through his newest work for the right chapter. "We'll pull an all-nighter if we have to!"

* * *

There were three all-important rules in the world that people had to follow to avoid misfortune. This Sasuke knew. The first two he learned from watching _The Princess Bride _(he had learned that Sakura also loved that movie, though she was not aware that she had that in common with the Uchiha; he would have to build up his courage to admit that to her), those being, "Never get involved in a land war in Asia" and "Never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line." But the third—as he did with most things—he discovered all on his own. The third being, "Never believe that you have finally hit the bottom, because the bottom will inevitably turn into a Black Hole of Doom that will suck you down even farther and send you spiralling into territory unknown."

However, since finally succeeding in getting out what he had been trying to tell Sakura for so long, or at least as close to it as he could get (those three little words that he knew she was still waiting to hear from him had taken up permanent residence in his throat, despite his efforts to evict them and have them leave his mouth already. But he was getting there...), he had come to the conclusion that "territory unknown" wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Jiraiya's therapy was a perfect example.

"Sasuke-kun? This has been bothering me for a while now. If you've been trying to get together with me, why were you hitting on those girls that day a little while back?"

...But just because it wasn't a bad thing didn't mean it would be _painless_.

"Sasuke-kun?"

"I... I just have to step out for a minute."

"Where?"

"...At this time of day...he's probably peeping in the women's hot springs."

"What?"

"Uh... I'll be right back!"

**The End**

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Okay. It's _finally_ finished. As in, _over_. As in, there will be no more chapters after this. Yeah. I turned Lee into a super-pervert. You had to see that coming. There's no way any of you can be surprised by that. At first, I was actually going to make Jiraiya afraid of women, but then I thought, "No. He would take that experience and completely pervert it into something appealing to himself." So, I wrote it thusly. And I also figured it wouldn't be much of a tribute to the guy if I ended it with him fearing that which he loved most, i.e. peeping on and pursuing the ladies. But I have no excuse for what I did to Lee. I love that guy to death, but I just couldn't resist making him a total perv. I mean, can you imagine?! I would die of laughter if he went hentai in the manga! Just positively die! Strutting about in his _sexy_ green spandex… Yep. That's the stuff!

Thanks to everyone who has read this story. An extra big thanks to those who have reviewed and/or put this story on their favourites. It means a lot. Really it does.

Now for some useless stuff, because I like to ramble! Whoot!

This is the first multi-chapter story I've ever completed! I feel marginally accomplished. I will now be focusing on finishing my uber-crack! fic _Public Service Announcement _(so the ten people who read that fic can rejoice! Ah, I'm joking. I love that fic to death. I'd finish it even if no one read it), after which I will be beginning a new uber-crack! fic called _Konoha Gangsters_. I'm not going to say what it's about yet, but you can be sure that it will be chalk-full of severe crackage like _PSA_. Also, _A Family of Sorts_ will be getting more updates now, as well as _The Eternal Soundtrack_. I've got a whole lot of SasuSaku angst fics lined up for the latter, while the former will offer the humour and some crack! that you addicts are after. Crack! and angst. Is there any sweeter pairing? I think not.

Later peeps!


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